Things are moving fast now. Wayne and I met with two separate estate sale liquidators today. Each of them was very professional and knowledgeable and I can't go wrong with either one. They're different in that one of them has a warehouse and would take on consignment any antiques or other large ticket items that didn't sell in the sale and try to sell them in their warehouse or at antique auctions, swapmeets, etc. The other one doesn't do that and their only post-sale offer is to take everything and donate it to a charity. However, both of them can help me clear out the house and get it ready for the sale. That really takes a burden off our shoulders, because otherwise I don't see how we'd ever get out of here. At this point I'm thinking end of July for the estate/liquidation sale. There is a third company that I'm going to interview next week.
I've opened more boxes in the garage and found more treasures. I found my Turkish coffee set that I bought in Israel, some beautiful plates with pictures of fish (Villeroy Boch) that I'd totally forgotten about and which will become my every day dishes, a wine picnic basket (I told Wayne that once I get settled we all have to go on a picnic), etc. Each box uncovers more and more of my old self. I'm beginning to get very excited about my new life and can't wait to get started.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
My espresso maker
Here it is, in all its glory. Just seeing it perched on my stovetop brings a smile to my face. It's not the aroma of the coffee, it's the aroma of my former happy life.
They say that good things come from bad things. One of the good things has been hearing from so many people in response to this blog. I treasure each and every phone call and email. They all help. I was thinking as I took my daily sunset walk today that I am very rich. I have three wonderful families: 1) my blood family (the Druces/Sklars), 2) my Lui family, and 3) my family of friends. They are all very dear to me and I'm glad that this situation has brought me back in touch with so many of them.
I don't have anything new to report. Today was not a good day for me. The last few months I've been on an emotional roller coaster. I pretty much restricted my original blog, the one for general viewership (http://www.laureldruce.blogspot.com/) to positive entries. I'm going to be more honest and forthright here. This blog is to keep you updated on everything that's going on, and I promise to do that. Today I allowed myself to get emotional and to visit what I call my dark hole. I wrote a poem about this dark hole:
I’m at the bottom of a deep black hole
There’s a little light streaming in
I dig and I dig – dirt gets under my nails
I inch closer to the light, but still,
I can’t stand up, the ceiling’s too low.
Some hands reach in, try to pull me out
But I’m stuck.
Some hands gently push me from behind towards the light.
I can smell the air, see the bright colors.
I want to be there – I can breathe it, it’s calling me.
But I’m stuck. And it’s comfortable here. It’s warm.
And known.
But stale. And messy. I don’t like it. I want to leave.
My hand is through! I can feel the sunshine!
An inch at a time – I’m moving. I’m getting there.
Wait for me, Sun! I’m coming!
That pretty much describes how I felt today. But I'm out of the hole now and looking forward to getting back into action tomorrow. Friday I interview two estate sale liquidation companies, and this weekend Trish and her boyfriend are coming to help me clean out the house. That's it for now. Again, thanks for caring and for calling/emailing me.
They say that good things come from bad things. One of the good things has been hearing from so many people in response to this blog. I treasure each and every phone call and email. They all help. I was thinking as I took my daily sunset walk today that I am very rich. I have three wonderful families: 1) my blood family (the Druces/Sklars), 2) my Lui family, and 3) my family of friends. They are all very dear to me and I'm glad that this situation has brought me back in touch with so many of them.
I don't have anything new to report. Today was not a good day for me. The last few months I've been on an emotional roller coaster. I pretty much restricted my original blog, the one for general viewership (http://www.laureldruce.blogspot.com/) to positive entries. I'm going to be more honest and forthright here. This blog is to keep you updated on everything that's going on, and I promise to do that. Today I allowed myself to get emotional and to visit what I call my dark hole. I wrote a poem about this dark hole:
I’m at the bottom of a deep black hole
There’s a little light streaming in
I dig and I dig – dirt gets under my nails
I inch closer to the light, but still,
I can’t stand up, the ceiling’s too low.
Some hands reach in, try to pull me out
But I’m stuck.
Some hands gently push me from behind towards the light.
I can smell the air, see the bright colors.
I want to be there – I can breathe it, it’s calling me.
But I’m stuck. And it’s comfortable here. It’s warm.
And known.
But stale. And messy. I don’t like it. I want to leave.
My hand is through! I can feel the sunshine!
An inch at a time – I’m moving. I’m getting there.
Wait for me, Sun! I’m coming!
That pretty much describes how I felt today. But I'm out of the hole now and looking forward to getting back into action tomorrow. Friday I interview two estate sale liquidation companies, and this weekend Trish and her boyfriend are coming to help me clean out the house. That's it for now. Again, thanks for caring and for calling/emailing me.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Today is the first day of my new life
That's not exactly true, but it sounds good. I've actually been on this path for a few months now. This is a new blog that I am creating just for my special, close friends so that I can keep them apprised on what's going on with me - just me - not for universal viewership. I've got a lot of news to share, and not a lot of time right now, but I wanted to at least give you all an overview. You've probably noticed that I haven't posted anything to my original blog A New Journey for awhile. My friends didn't want to hear anything about Elson, and I didn't want to share my personal news there. So I'm starting this blog. The last 4 months have been an emotional roller coaster for me. I've been up and down, depressed and optimistic, angry and sad, focused and overwhelmed, scared and excited, fearful and hopeful, clearsighted and confused. Every day I wake up not knowing how I will feel that day, how much I will get accomplished, what I will learn, what kind of decisions I'll have to make. I've lost 15 pounds in the process (not a diet I would recommend) and can count on my fingers the number of nights I've slept through without fitful dreams or awakening and not being able to get back to sleep. HOWEVER, I finally see light at the end of the tunnel. I finally know in my heart that I will get through this. I will emerge a better and happier and stronger person.
I told everyone that Elson being sentenced to prison was a gift from God to me, and I still believe that. I never would have had the courage or strength to get out of this marriage without his having been forcibly removed from my presence. I still dread his calls, and I still react emotionally to them, usually becoming depressed, traumatized, confused, but each time less and less so. I have spent the last 4 months working on myself. I somehow knew that I had to become strong and clear on the inside before beginning to work on my outer environment. I have been in counseling with a wonderful counselor, Kathy. I have also been working with Art Mortell, an old friend of both mine and Elson's who is a motivational speaker and has written several books on dealing with and surviving failure and abuse, etc. Hilary Clinton said it takes a village, and I agree, and I have my own village, consisting of my sister Trish (yes! we finally have a wonderful sisterly relationship! that is one of the gifts to emerge from this whole trauma), Elson's sister Arlene and her husband Wayne, my daughter-in-law and soul sister Brenda, and Art Mortell. They check in with me on a daily basis, they provide me with love, support and advice with each one of them coming from a different perspective and all of it extremely helpful. I write a journal every evening of not just the day's events, but also my feelings and reactions and any insights I might have gained, and I email it to them, and they respond back. I have finally started dealing with my childhood and how it has affected me and my decisions over the years. I now understand why I married someone like Elson and why I stayed with him through all these years of abuse and trauma, and why he married me. We were both damaged goods and we were each of us bad for the other. I know that I became an enabler and bear responsibility for what we created together. I'm dealing with the shame and embarrasment connected with that. I want to say right here that I thank you, each and every one of you, for sticking with me through all these years, as uncomfortable as it must have been.
But I digress. Let me jump to the concrete changes and decisions that have been made. I am filing for divorce, and Elson knows and accepts it. In fact, he was the one to first suggest it after I finally said an emphatic no to a request (ie order) of his. I made it clear to him that his lifestyle and choices were too stressful for me and had impacted my health. I told him that I knew in my heart that if I'd spent one more year with him, I would have not have survived it. Because there is a 6 month waiting period in California, I must file before the end of June. It's complicated because of our financial situation, but I will get it done. I have a financial advisor helping me. I have also told Elson that I am moving out of the house and selling everything. He wasn't very happy about that either. I'm still very angry that he expected me to stay in this huge house (4500 sq ft) and pay this exorbitant rent ($3720/month) for 2 years so that he would have it to come home to. The stairs and the size are becoming too much for me, and the rent is draining the few resources I have left. I hadn't done any real estate loans for a year because I was too depressed. Now I either have to get back into it or find a regular job. I can't do the latter until I'm settled in a new place. I'm exploring parking my broker's license with a mortgage company that would provide me with some leads. I'm also exploring earning money through writing, which has always been a dream of mine.
I am in the process of interviewing estate sale liquidators. That seems the most efficient option - they would sell everything - furniture, clothing, office supplies, kitchen appliances, books, records, etc. It's going to take a couple of months to prepare for it, though, since the house is a mess. I've been gradually getting rid of stacks of newspapers and magazines and returning unopened items to Costco, but now we're (along with Wayne, my sister, and others) opening the boxes that have been stored in the garage since 1989 which we moved from San Francisco and never opened, as well as working on other rooms in the house. It's a huge process. My friend Kate who now lives in Texas has offered to fly out one weekend and help me. I'm going to feel so light and free once I get rid of all this STUFF.
Some people are recommending I not search for an apartment right away. They think I should just store my personal items and some furniture and spend time visiting people and healing and recovering and saving the expense of rent for awhile. Then there's the other camp that understands my need to have my own space and to feather my nest. It's also difficult to know what furniture to keep for myself without knowing what the new apartment looks like. I bounce back and forth between these two options on a daily basis, sometimes switching sides within the day. There are pros and cons for each.
I'm very frightened of running out of money. That's what keeps me up at night the most. I'll feel a lot better once I have some money coming in.
That's probably enough for now. I encourage you all to write me with any questions or suggestions you might have. I basically wanted you to know that I am on the road to recovery, my health is very good considering, I have lots of help and support, I am FINALLY getting free, I am becoming once again the Laurel you once knew and somehow still loved. Oh, I forgot the most exciting news. My friend and mentor and guru Art Mortell and I are going to write a book together. I am so excited. We are going to include my journals from this year, and poetry I've been writing, as well as notes from his almost daily conversations with me helping me find my way through this maze that's become my life. He's already had several books published, so I know ours will get published as well. He's still editing and working on his most recent book, so it'll be a while before we start working on ours.
Please keep in touch. You'll notice I changed the photo on my profile to include an apple martini. It's a symbol of my new life. Oh, and while I was unpacking one of the boxes in the garage, I found my old aluminum stovetop coffeemaker from Paris. I was so excited! I made myself a cappucino with it yesterday and boy did it bring back memories. Happy memories.
Wish me luck!
I told everyone that Elson being sentenced to prison was a gift from God to me, and I still believe that. I never would have had the courage or strength to get out of this marriage without his having been forcibly removed from my presence. I still dread his calls, and I still react emotionally to them, usually becoming depressed, traumatized, confused, but each time less and less so. I have spent the last 4 months working on myself. I somehow knew that I had to become strong and clear on the inside before beginning to work on my outer environment. I have been in counseling with a wonderful counselor, Kathy. I have also been working with Art Mortell, an old friend of both mine and Elson's who is a motivational speaker and has written several books on dealing with and surviving failure and abuse, etc. Hilary Clinton said it takes a village, and I agree, and I have my own village, consisting of my sister Trish (yes! we finally have a wonderful sisterly relationship! that is one of the gifts to emerge from this whole trauma), Elson's sister Arlene and her husband Wayne, my daughter-in-law and soul sister Brenda, and Art Mortell. They check in with me on a daily basis, they provide me with love, support and advice with each one of them coming from a different perspective and all of it extremely helpful. I write a journal every evening of not just the day's events, but also my feelings and reactions and any insights I might have gained, and I email it to them, and they respond back. I have finally started dealing with my childhood and how it has affected me and my decisions over the years. I now understand why I married someone like Elson and why I stayed with him through all these years of abuse and trauma, and why he married me. We were both damaged goods and we were each of us bad for the other. I know that I became an enabler and bear responsibility for what we created together. I'm dealing with the shame and embarrasment connected with that. I want to say right here that I thank you, each and every one of you, for sticking with me through all these years, as uncomfortable as it must have been.
But I digress. Let me jump to the concrete changes and decisions that have been made. I am filing for divorce, and Elson knows and accepts it. In fact, he was the one to first suggest it after I finally said an emphatic no to a request (ie order) of his. I made it clear to him that his lifestyle and choices were too stressful for me and had impacted my health. I told him that I knew in my heart that if I'd spent one more year with him, I would have not have survived it. Because there is a 6 month waiting period in California, I must file before the end of June. It's complicated because of our financial situation, but I will get it done. I have a financial advisor helping me. I have also told Elson that I am moving out of the house and selling everything. He wasn't very happy about that either. I'm still very angry that he expected me to stay in this huge house (4500 sq ft) and pay this exorbitant rent ($3720/month) for 2 years so that he would have it to come home to. The stairs and the size are becoming too much for me, and the rent is draining the few resources I have left. I hadn't done any real estate loans for a year because I was too depressed. Now I either have to get back into it or find a regular job. I can't do the latter until I'm settled in a new place. I'm exploring parking my broker's license with a mortgage company that would provide me with some leads. I'm also exploring earning money through writing, which has always been a dream of mine.
I am in the process of interviewing estate sale liquidators. That seems the most efficient option - they would sell everything - furniture, clothing, office supplies, kitchen appliances, books, records, etc. It's going to take a couple of months to prepare for it, though, since the house is a mess. I've been gradually getting rid of stacks of newspapers and magazines and returning unopened items to Costco, but now we're (along with Wayne, my sister, and others) opening the boxes that have been stored in the garage since 1989 which we moved from San Francisco and never opened, as well as working on other rooms in the house. It's a huge process. My friend Kate who now lives in Texas has offered to fly out one weekend and help me. I'm going to feel so light and free once I get rid of all this STUFF.
Some people are recommending I not search for an apartment right away. They think I should just store my personal items and some furniture and spend time visiting people and healing and recovering and saving the expense of rent for awhile. Then there's the other camp that understands my need to have my own space and to feather my nest. It's also difficult to know what furniture to keep for myself without knowing what the new apartment looks like. I bounce back and forth between these two options on a daily basis, sometimes switching sides within the day. There are pros and cons for each.
I'm very frightened of running out of money. That's what keeps me up at night the most. I'll feel a lot better once I have some money coming in.
That's probably enough for now. I encourage you all to write me with any questions or suggestions you might have. I basically wanted you to know that I am on the road to recovery, my health is very good considering, I have lots of help and support, I am FINALLY getting free, I am becoming once again the Laurel you once knew and somehow still loved. Oh, I forgot the most exciting news. My friend and mentor and guru Art Mortell and I are going to write a book together. I am so excited. We are going to include my journals from this year, and poetry I've been writing, as well as notes from his almost daily conversations with me helping me find my way through this maze that's become my life. He's already had several books published, so I know ours will get published as well. He's still editing and working on his most recent book, so it'll be a while before we start working on ours.
Please keep in touch. You'll notice I changed the photo on my profile to include an apple martini. It's a symbol of my new life. Oh, and while I was unpacking one of the boxes in the garage, I found my old aluminum stovetop coffeemaker from Paris. I was so excited! I made myself a cappucino with it yesterday and boy did it bring back memories. Happy memories.
Wish me luck!
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