Trouble In Paradise

I'm having a tough time with the MS. I'm very low on energy, the smallest task or exertion results in heavy legs and a need to rest, my hands and feets are freezing cold most of the time. I'm hoping it's all temporary, that it's just a result of my still working through things, processing all the recent changes, still dealing with the aftermath and trying to figure out my future and my finances. I've been advised to take frequent naps, continue my daily walks, take it one step at a time.

On a more positive note, I'm still loving the carriage house. I almost love it too much, in that I'm reluctant to leave it and can't wait to come home. It's just perfect for me and I can't imagine living anywhere else.

I was planning on signing up with a temp agency and finally start working, but this recent relapse makes that impossible for the time being. What would be perfect would be to find some kind of work that I can do at home, on my own schedule.

I'll keep the blog updated with my progress on the health front.

Oops

Everything was going so well. On Sunday October 12 I was on my way from an afternoon party (where I only imbibed bottled water, I swear) to a matinee movie. I was not tired, I was not distracted, I'd had nothing to drink, so I have no explanation for what then happened, but it seems I went through a stop sign. No one was hurt, not even the cop who broadsided me (yes, a cop, can you believe it?). I had a stop sign, he didn't, and he said he was already in the intersection when he saw me so he didn't have time to avoid hitting me. Neither of us was going fast, but cop cars are like tanks and it's going take up to 6 weeks and over $13,000 to fix my Prius. Luckily my insurance covers it and also covers car rental for 30 days. As I sat there waiting for Carla to come pick me up after AAA towed away my baby, I kept trying to understand how this could have happened. That's when I noticed the tree in front of the stop sign, completely obscuring it. It just so happened I had my camera in my purse, so I snapped a photo of it. A cop was waiting with me and he noticed what I was doing. He called me later that night, at 10 PM, and told me he'd gone back to the intersection later that day and after looking again at that stop sign, decided to cancel the citation he'd written and also write on the police report that the stop sign was obscured. My insurance adjustor has assured me that this will not go on my record since I am not at fault, and that they are trying to get the city of Palo Alto to cover the claim. As they say - from his mouth to God's ears. I still can't quite believe it happened. It's been over 2 weeks and I still haven't rented the car. I really don't need one, as I have lots of food on hand and Carla has been an angel, letting me accompany her when she's gone on errands. It's been kind of nice not having a car. I'm still doing my daily walk, up to 25 minutes as of tonight, so I'm getting some exercise and fresh air. Speaking of walking, when Trish stayed overnight last week we walked all the way downtown to have breakfast and then walked back. I love it! This is the first time since the San Francisco house that I've been able to walk downtown. I feel like I'm back in civilization. I've posted some photos - of the car, the stop sign, and of me to show you that I'm in fine form post accident.

A Month Later

I've been here 6 weeks now and I love it as much as ever. I've unpacked everything except the CDs and the apartment looks great. I love waking up to it, to its neatness and warmth and brightness, to how I can see and find everything I have, to the trees and sunlight coming through the windows, to its charm. Everyone who comes here feels it. I wanted a complete change from what I had before, and I got my wish.

I've mainly been resting, showing my place off, reconnecting with people, getting organized, processing what I went through, working on myself to make sure that never happens to me again, having fun with Carla. I kind of went overboard the first month with the drinking and eating, and I'm now shooting for more moderation. I was like a kid in a candy store whose parents aren't looking, eating all the foods that I love but know aren't good for me, drinking martinis, too much wine. My body finally rebelled, screaming Stop! Please don't do this to me! So this past month I've been more reasonable with my diet, not eating any rich foods. I finally received my shipment of matcha tea, so I have a matcha latte in the mornings now instead of coffee. Not that I don't still love my cafe latte and I'll sneak it in every now and then, but not on a daily basis like before. I've gone back to drinking more tea in general. I've cut out all alcohol for 3 weeks on doctor's orders (my liver test was too high - over 60 instead of under 36 the month before) and will have the liver tested again this week. Hopefully the spike will have just been due to the sudden increase in alcohol consumption, and I can go back to having the occasional glass of wine or martini. I've gained 5 pounds as the doctor had ordered (of course, in all the wrong places!), so I think I'm pretty healthy now.

I'm now about ready to get back to work. But I still don't know what the work will be. I'm putting together a list of different opportunities that might exist, and I'm requesting that all my friends email me any ideas they might have. I have several different talents and areas that I enjoy - I would like to find something that combines my administrative talents with my love for the arts and my people skills. I'm open to anything - I just require that I be able to work out of the home.

Life is good. I almost have to pinch myself to see if it's all real. I've gone from the darkest place imaginable to all this light almost overnight. I don't take it for granted. I breathe it in and let it fill me with joy every single day.

It's over....and it's begun!

One door closes and another opens. It's been quite a whirlwind. The estate sale went by in a blur. We probably should have had it over two consecutive weekends because of the huge quantity of items for sale, but we sold quite a lot and John Favors accomplished what he promised - when they departed, the house was totally empty and clean. I didn't have to do a thing to it. I also used his company to move my furniture, which they did the following day, on Monday August 11th. I started sleeping in the carriage house that night and ever since. On Wednesday we hired a uhaul truck and two teenage boys to move the boxes, bookcases, smaller items, etc., and Brian came up and helped. I'm still moving small items, for example lamps, but will be finished by next week. I love it. I've felt at home here ever since I first saw it. It just suits me. It is filled with light and there are trees visible from every window. It is very quiet, and the garden is very healing. I ate breakfast out on my balcony the first morning. I'm still not totally unpacked, but I've already begun having people over, and Trish spent the night on Tuesday - my first overnight guest. We had a great time staying up late talking, and went to see the movie Mamma Mia the next day. We plan to have outings like this twice a month on a regular basis.

This past Monday my body finally felt the effects of the last few months and I've been experiencing the fatigue that I had several months ago, plus my legs are heavy. I'm listening to my body and taking it easy for awhile. I have a follow-up appointment with my doctor this Tuesday. I don't know if I've gained all the weight she wanted me to, but at least I've gained some. She's going to order the blood tests again to see if there's still a problem with the kidney. I know I wasn't eating well when I took the test last month. It was difficult to have a healthy diet when I only had about two inches of space to work in and I was surrounded by ants. I'm eating well now though.

I haven't taken a lot of photos of the apartment because I want to wait until I'm totally unpacked and all the boxes are gone, but I did post one photo of the butcherblock - you can see a little of the bedroom and the kitchen, too. I'll post a slide show when it's ready.

Suffice it to say.....I've moved on and my new life has begun. I'm happy and excited and looking forward to what the future may bring.

Only Two More Days!

Only two more days until the estate sale. I can't believe we're here already. The team has been wonderful - I couldn't have chosen a better company. We've already sold all the antiques, a lot of the clothes, all the fine crystal, the peacock, the entry table and mirror, most of the ivory. They have certain customers who get private invitations to come before the public comes and they pay top dollar. We've had people in here every day all this week, all day. I'm exhausted, but I'm also exhiliarated. I'm beginning to get very excited and I can't wait to move into the carriage house. Francine is going with me tomorrow to do some measuring so I can make final decisions on what furniture to bring, so that I can sell what I don't bring. I'm not going to be here during the sale - I've made plans for all three days. Wayne, however, is planning to be here to keep an eye on things. When I come home Sunday night, there's not going to be very much furniture. All the dishes and pots and pans I've been using will be in boxes, because we don't want to risk anyone buying them, so it's going to be very difficult to live here. I'm going to try to arrange the move for as soon as possible after the sale. I've interviewed one company already, and I'll probably just go with them. Deja's using them for the two antiques she's buying and they come highly recommended by friends of hers. What a journey this has been. And it's not over, because I'll be starting a whole new life once I move. How many people get to say that at my age?

One Week To Go

Today is the first of August. This month will be full of changes for me. The estate sale will be Friday, Saturday and Sunday, August 8, 9 and 10, from 10-4. Tell all your friends and come yourself. Some friends have already come by and all have made purchases. The liquidators have said that they've never seen an estate sale like this one - we have the equivalent of 3-4 houses. It's unbelievable. I knew we had a lot of stuff, but it really hits home when you see it all displayed. Every night I fall into bed totally exhausted, and then I wake up in the morning and get back to work. Right now I'm working on the office, tossing out old files, finding treasures (all of Larry Negri's recipes!), creating a landfill of paper. I'll be working on this all weekend. I have to get the office, the closet in the guest bathroom and the kitchen totally finished by Sunday night, so that when they come on Monday they can finish pricing everything. I'm getting a little nervous - I don't know how I'll get it all done in time, but I know I will. I'm hoping to move some of my things to the carriage house beforehand. I've put red dots on everything I'm keeping, but I've been warned that people who shop at estate sales don't respect red dots. If they really want it, they remove the dot. So I'll have to hide all my smaller items, either in the shed or a closet or by taking it to Carla's. I'm also going to make a list of the furniture I'm keeping for the staff to have, just in case. The company I'm using has been really great. They're trying to sell the high end, unique items before the estate sale, thus getting higher prices. They had their CD/book buyer come in a few days ago and he paid $2,000 for what he took, which is really very good for used CDs and books. They took the entire jade and ivory collection into San Francisco to a gallery and have already sold most of the ivory and some of the jade. I also gave John some of my good jewelry to sell in the city. Bonnie, who is arranging and pricing the clothing, took a whole bunch of it home with her to try to sell in private appointments, and she's going to have buyers come to the house to see the fur coats. They're doing their best to make sure I get the most money possible out of this, and they've also been very understanding and sensitive.

The other change in August is, of course, my move. I can't wait. When I go to sleep at night, I imagine I'm in my new bedroom in the carriage house. I've changed my email address to laureldruce@gmail.com. This way I never have to change it again, even if I end up moving somewhere else.

The Terminators

The Terminators, or rather the liquidators, arrived yesterday, en masse. There was an army of them and they swooped in and sucked the trash out. I never saw people move so fast. It was a little overwhelming and at times frightening, as I saw parts of my life being carried out the door, to destinations unknown. They divided everything into three categories - high value and therefore to be displayed inside the house, garage sale value and therefore to be gathered and eventually taken to the flea market, and no value and therefore off to the dumps. Unfortunately I had my doctor's appointment in the middle of the day, and I came home to find, much to my dismay, that some very important personal items were in the truck on their way to the dump. Luckily the truck never made it to the dump because of traffic, and I've been told the drivers found these items this morning when they searched the bags in the truck and they will be delivered to me tomorow. The Liquidator boss was explaining to me that my situation was a little unusual for them, in that usually the people aren't there when they're clearing out the house. I asked is that because they've already moved, and he kind of hemmed and hawed and didn't really answer, and then I suddenly realized it was because they were usually dead! So I apologized to him for the fact that I was still alive.

Things are progressing very quickly and I'm beginning to believe that we will actually be ready on time. I like the women who are working on pricing and arranging very much. I definitely feel I made a good decision in picking this company.

The doctor has ordered a myriad of tests because I've been losing so much weight. I feel I'll gain some of it back once I'm in my own place, but just in case, I've been told to start supplementing my meals with Ensure.

The house is starting to look nice now, and I'm beginning to remember why we fell in love with it in the first place. It'll be a bittersweet parting.

I'm Moving Into The Carriage House!

I called Carla today and notified her officially that I'm going to be her new tenant. I'm so happy. It just feels right. Carla already feels like an old friend. She's a francophile like I am - her coffee table books are French Dreams and French Tea - and we keep talking about French movies and French singers and French food. I told her how I'd found an old steno pad that I'd used to take notes during a French cooking class I'd taken when I lived in Paris, and all the notes are in French. Even though there are only two closets in the entire apartment (the house is almost 100 years old), there's lots of wall space so I'm going to be able to bring more furniture than I'd originally planned, which will help with the storage. I can't wait until my first morning when I wake up and take my morning coffee out on the balcony overlooking that gorgeous garden. I bet I sleep better that first night than I've slept in months. It's such a relief to know I have a place to go to and to be able to plan what I keep and don't keep. My sister kept telling me to stop worrying and to trust that everything would work out. She was so right.

There are so many things about the carriage house that make it perfect for me for right now, but one thing that everyone has pointed out is that there will be somebody nearby just in case something happens to me, ie I fall or something. Everyone's been so worried about me, going up and down these stairs and moving boxes and getting physically tired with no one around.

So I go to sleep tonight with sweet dreams in my head. The clock is still ticking, but there's a yellow brick road leading to a happy destination.

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Christian the Lion - the full story (in HQ)

This is so uplifting and a wonderful message I want to send to all my terrific friends out there.

Stuff and a great video

I'm buried in stuff. I can't believe how much STUFF I've accumulated. It's suffocating. I can't wait to get to my new, small apartment, wherever it might be, and start all over again and stop accumulating. I will never do this again, I promise.

A good friend sent me the most wonderful, uplifting video today. I'm posting it on this website so everyone can see it. Please do look at it, and know that I am thinking of you, of all my wonderful friends and family who have been so supportive of me.

I'm going to look at the carriage house again tomorrow, along with Wayne and Arlene. I've taken measurements of all the furniture I'd like to keep and Wayne is bringing a tape measure and is going to sketch the floorplan. I'll let you know how it goes. I'm also bringing my camera. I've also been looking at other listings and am going to look at a cottage in Woodside on Sunday. This is my life now - looking for apartments, sorting through STUFF, trying to plan my future and figure out how I'm going to survive financially, trying to stay healthy (everyone complains I'm too thin, but I think it's the stress and I'll gain weight once I get settled), writing my journal daily, taking photos to document the process of getting the house ready for the sale, etc.

The estate sale will be August 8, 9 and 10, so please tell anybody in the area to come by. I won't be here myself, so you don't have to worry about the prices!

The Clock Is Ticking

The estate sale liquidators come a week from today. Then they'll be here 3 weeks setting things up for the estate sale, which will take place August 8, 9 and 10. I'm starting to get a little nervous. When I come back Sunday night, August 10th, a large part of my life from the past 30 years will be gone. I think it's going to be hard living here for the final 3 weeks. I'll be concentrating on looking for an apartment, packing my things and getting them ready for storage, taking care of change of address notifications, looking for a laptop, etc. My life will be very different. The plan right now is, if I haven't found an apartment by end of August, to move in with Deja for a month or two until I find something. Roxy will have gone back to college, so I can have her room. It will be strange not having my own place, but it might be liberating as well. I will take advantage of that time to recover and heal, but also to travel and visit friends and family.

I've had an idea for future employment. Someone suggested to me that I try commercial mortgages. This could be a good fit. I already have the tools, but it's different enough that it would feel like something new, I could work from my home, and I could earn good income, more than from residential mortgages. If anyone knows anyone who is looking for an intern or for someone like me, please let me know. The best part is that I would be able to do my writing on the side.

Most of my time is spent getting the house ready for the estate sale. Wayne is here almost every day now, as we get close to our deadline. Tick, tock, tick, tock.....

No Carriage House

I just wanted to let everyone know that I've released the dream of moving into that carriage house. The owner, Carla, was not very receptive to the idea of installing a stairlift, which I totally understand, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I cannot rent a place with stairs. One of the major appeals of the carriage house was that I could rent it right away and start moving in gradually a little at a time. Well, how can I do that when I can't carry anything up the stairs?

I was a little down today, but I've recovered and am moving on. As Trish says, I've broken the barrier of at least having seen one apartment I could see myself being happy in. Up until now they were all depressing. So I'm back to looking.

I was gathering up all the videotapes I've recorded over the years to take to be recycled and I found a videotape of my aunt and uncle's 50th wedding anniversary bash over 10 years ago. I'd written them a poem and read it out loud at the front of the room - I wish I could post a photo of me from it on this blog. I looked EXACTLY like Natalie Wood! I know I'd always been told that, but it's been awhile since I looked like her so I'd forgotten. I had the big hair and heavy dark eyeliner around my eyes and even the way I spoke...it was just like her. There was a documentary on her the other night that I'd watched so she was fresh in my mind. Wow.

Happy July 4th - Freedom Day!

This has been one of the best July 4ths I've ever had. The day started out with LOTS of phone calls - Wayne and Arlene, Brenda, Carla (I'll explain her later). I barely had time to get ready for Trish's arrival. She drove down with her friend Ronnie who wanted to buy one of my microwaves and maybe some other things, and they wanted to take me out for lunch. They got here around 1:30. The first sign that today was going to be a good day was when I went into a part of my closet I hadn't gone through yet and tried on some shorts. Most of them were huge, but one pair not only fit perfectly, but I loved them! They're beige cargo shorts that flare out a little like in the 1940's. It was like finding my treasures in the garage (ie the French espresso maker, the water pipe, etc.) We went straight to the restaurant since I was really hungry. What a magical place it was. I'd been there once after it first opened, but it was in winter and we'd eaten inside. It's called Angelica's Bistro and it's in the back of an antique store. I wanted to go somewhere where you could eat outside and I knew they had this wonderful garden in the back with all these Italian fountains imported from Italy. We went straight to the garden, walking down this narrow path framed by trees and lined with ornate, wonderful fountains. They gave us the best table - right next to the owner Peter, a Londoner who is outgoing and warm and who immediately welcomed us and started telling us all about the restaurant and the evening musical concerts they put on. He couldn't believe we were all Senior Citizens (well, I will be in a couple of years) and said we made him look forward to getting there. We were there several hours. Each of us loved our entrees and we shared a scrumptious dessert crepe. Then I took them for a walking tour of downtown Redwood City, which they loved. We didn't get back home until 5 PM and it was 7 PM by the time they left. It was a wonderful, delightful, exhiliarating day and I loved being with my sister and one of her close friends.

Now I'll get to who Clara is. I found the perfect apartment. I fell in love with it as soon as I saw it. First yesterday morning I saw the cottage and it was horrid. I won't even give any details. I was extremely disappointed, and then after that I had some upsetting news, and I was in tears when Trish called me on my cell phone, wanting to find out how the cottage was. She talked to me for awhile, and offered to come that evening if I needed her. What I did next is an important sign of how far I've come in the last 6 months. Instead of just canceling my plans for the rest of the day (to look at more apartments, run errands, go to the bank, etc.) and going home to be depressed and cry, I pulled myself together and carried through with the items on my list. I saw a few places in San Carlos, which were all horrible, then walked into this really pretty, peaceful looking building to inquire about apartments. I thought it was strange there were so many really really old people milling about in wheelchairs and walkers and it turned out it was an Assistd Living place! Well, I'm not there yet. Then I called Carla to see if I could come by and see her place. She'd placed an ad on Craig's List and I'd called her that morning. I liked her right away and was excited about her place, but there were stairs involved - it's the second story of a 2-story house above where she lives. She'd encouraged me to come see it anyway, and I felt I needed a lift.

Well. It's paradise. It's a carriage house built in 1910 set in the most beautiful English garden. The master bedroom even has a balcony overlooking the garden. It's in a lovely part of Redwood City and I've been wanting to stay in Redwood City. Carla and I hit it off right away and I fell in love with the whole package - the setting, the apartment, living above her. I knew she liked me, too. But there was the issue of the stairs. I came home and called Deja, Trish, Wayne and Kate. They all agreed the stairs presented a major problem and counseled me not to go back and to continue looking. However, they all pointed out that this was a good sign, at least I'd found something I liked. So I released it and left a message for Carla reluctantly telling her I couldn't handle the stairs.

Then this morning two things happened. Carla called and said she really wanted me to have it and asking if there was any way I could manage it. I said no, and we agreed to keep in touch and she invited me to come by sometime for a drink or tea. Then Wayne called and said, since my heart was so taken by this apartment, that I needed to find a solution and he suggested getting an electric stairlift installed. Hmm. He'd even found a website and a company. I later looked on Craigs List and there are several companies around. Hmm. I started thinking more and more about it. It seems to me that what is most important for me right now is to be someplace peaceful, healing, where I can be happy and recuperate from all the trauma of the last several years. I can always move someplace else after a year or two. She doesn't even want me to sign a 1-year lease - it's month-to-month. I took Trish and Ronnie by there after our tour of Redwood City and they were enchanted by the garden. Trish said she had told me no yesterday to see how attached to it I was. We all talked about how my MS improves when I'm happy or away from the house and there's the possibility that I might not even need the stairlift. Arlene even said that going up and down stairs is good exercise, especially for the bones. So I left a message for Carla asking her to call me because I might have a way to make it work. I'm going to ask if she is open to the idea of my installing one later on if I need it, but I would try it without at first. It wouldn't be like living here, where I'm constantly going up and down the stairs. Once I'm in the apartment, everything is level.

I'm not going to give any more details about it in case I end up not getting it. And if I don't get it, that's ok, too, because now I know there are apartments out there like this. But it would really make the next month a lot easier if I knew I already had a place to go to. It would even facilitate my choosing what to keep and what to sell.

I'll end this VERY LONG post (sorry) with a very nice thing that Trish said at lunch. Ronnie is taking a class on "Awakening The Joy" and she thought I might be interested in taking it, too. Trish said I didn't need it, because even though I've had many low periods in the last few years, I've never lost my capacity to feel joy, and that is so true. I'll bounce back and forth multiple times in one day. I'm only a song or a joke or a good meal or good book or being with a good friend away from feeling deep joy - no matter what's going on in my life. Trish had asked me once, a long time ago, if I'd thought about what I wanted written on my tombstone. My answer was "She never lost her sense of humor." I've never lost my joy, my joie de vivre. I am so thankful for that.

So Happy 4th - Happy Day of Freedom.

Ups and Downs and Search for Apartment

It's been quite a ride since Kate left. I know people have been posting comments about how brave and strong and inspiring I am, but I don't feel that way. The truth is, I often get overwhelmed and depressed and unable to see a bright, cheery future. However, I know it's out there. I think the closer I get to the date of the sale and moving out, the more frightened I get. The unknown can be a scary thing.

Fortunately, the bad days don't last very long. In the beginning they would last for upwards to a week. Last week I had a meltdown on Tuesday which lasted all the way through Thursday, with a little window of happiness on Wednesday. A new friend, Laura Taylor, invited me to San Francisco for dinner and then to join her and some friends to see one of my favorite jazz singers, Karrin Allyson, at the new Yoshi's. It was a wonderful evening. It's the first time I've driven to the city just for the evening. After Elson first left, I was very uncomfortable driving and afraid to drive at night. This was the result of all the years of criticism - of my driving and everything else I did. I didn't have any confidence that I could do anything right. When Brenda stayed with me in January, I had her do all the driving, and when I'm with Wayne in my car he does the driving. I'm gradually getting my confidence back. Brenda noticed it right away during her most recent visit where I did all the driving, and did it well, with confidence. I was fine driving to the city on Wednesday, and I was even fine driving back at night after having a glass of wine with dinner and a cocktail at Yoshi's. I loved being in Laura's apartment (there's something special about an apartment in SF, as there is with apartments in NY) and she had prepared a wonderful dinner. The jazz concert was great and I loved being with her friends. It felt like I had come home. Part of me wishes I could live in SF, but not only can I not afford it, also it would be too hard for me. There was a whole flight of stairs leading up to Laura's building, then another flight up to her apartment. Most of them would be like that.

On Friday I was back to my usual self and got back to work. Unfortunately, I hurt my back on Tuesday and it still hurts, so I have to take things slowly. I haven't done my sunset walk since then because of my back, but I'm going to try to do it today. Trish came on Friday and helped me, and my good friends Sten and Carole Mawson were here yesterday helping me pack boxes and dump the bottles of wine and champagne that Kate had christened as "no good". So there has been progress. Wayne helped me find a great storage space for Elson's things at a terrific price and I signed a year's contract on the 24th. It comes with a free truck, and so tomorrow Wayne is using it to take the boxes we've packed so far for Elson to the storage space. That will clear room in the garage for my boxes.

Wayne and Arlene's hairdresser lives in a cottage in San Carlos which she will be vacating in a few weeks. The rent is incredibly low and I'm thinking of renting it temporarily until I find the perfect apartment. It's on a creek surrounded by trees and it sounds very restful and peaceful, which everybody agrees would be the ideal situation for me. The rent is low enough that I would be able to afford getting a storage space for most of my stuff and also go visit people, like Art in Malibu and the kids in Seattle, and maybe even my friends in NY. I'd love that. It would also give me time to look for a job. I can't really decide on how much rent I can afford until I get a job. I haven't seen the cottage yet though. I've heard it's very basic and rustic, which would be a big change for me. But I think I can do it.

I'm going to put together a list of what I'm looking for in a job and also what I'm looking for in an apartment, and I'll both post the lists on this blog and also email them to everyone. I have a feeling I'll find both through networking. I'm also going to look for other cottages and apartments in San Carlos when I go to see this one.

I have 3 weeks until the estate sale people come to starting setting up for the sale. The sale is going to take place on August 8, 9 and 10. I know I'm going to only get a fraction of what everything is worth, but it's better than nothing.

That's about it for now. I just wanted to be honest that not every day is what could be called "inspiring", but I'm basically doing ok and moving forward. I just keep picturing Mary Tyler Moore, tossing her hat up in the air to the sound of "she'll make it on her own." Of course, I'm not on my own yet. I don't know where I'd be without the tremendous help I've been getting, from Wayne and Arlene, Trish, Brenda, Kate and now my other friends who have begun pitching in - Francine, the Mawsons, etc. I can't wait until I'm settled in my new apartment and can start entertaining again and can have them all over. My apartment will not be decorated with lalique or lladro or jade and ivory carvings. I will have my water pipe from Israel (photo included), momentos from Paris, my antique oil lamp I purchased at a flea market in Paris, signed artwork by Betty Guy, a framed embroidered strip tease on handkerchiefs that someone had made for my mother, lots of family photos, etc. I want it to be uncluttered but warm and inviting. I'm very excited about it.

4 Days With Kate

Kate left tonight after a whirlwind visit. It's amazing how much we got accomplished. I've posted a slide show that kind of recaps the visit. She arrived 2 hours late Thursday night, thanks to American Airlines, not landing until 11 PM that night. Friday morning I gave her a tour of Redwood City (she hadn't seen it since she moved away 17 years ago) and she was duly impressed. We visited Cost Plus since she works at the one in Fort Worth and she was interested to see how it compared (ours is much prettier). While there she bought some wine and my first housewarming gift - a martini shaker so I can make apple martinis! We came back to find Wayne already here hard at work. We spent the day working on the house. We emptied all the old jars of sauces, etc. in the fridge, put items in large bottles into small ones, threw out all the old stuff, and ended up with a beautiful, organized fridge where I can see everything I have. There's a photo of Kate at the sink emptying the jars. She also went through all the cases of wines we had in the garage and separated the maybes from the definitely nots. She opened several of them, finding a Veuve Cliquot I'd purchased in the last 2 years which was quite fine and which helped her get through the arduous day. There's a photo of the empty bottles of all the wines we ended up pouring down the drain. We took a break for lunch with Wayne. It got really hot in the afternoon, which caused me to have a meltdown and have to take a nap. The day ended with my sunset walk and dinner and then we crashed fairly early.


Saturday was another story. It started off well. Kris Gardner, an old friend from the San Francisco heydays, dropped by for coffee and catching up. I hadn't seen her for about 20 years but she looks the same-gorgeous. She left with a plant, a sweater and a small vase. Kate and I have decided everyone has to leave with something! Kate and I then spent the day looking at apartments. Before leaving the house, we looked at Craigs List and spent a lot of time narrowing down the choices so we could focus on the ones that were the most promising. Well, I have one thing to say - they lie on Craigs List. We looked at 5 buildings, getting inside 2 apartments, and it was the most depressing day I'd had in a long time. Very very depressing. Tiny, no closet space, dark, tiny kitchens with no microwave or cupboard space, tiny bathrooms, dark, dark, dark, with coin-operated laundry machines in the basement. After the 5th one I'd had enough and we repaired to Trader Joe's where we got some wine, cheese, bread, antipasto and frozen espresso cups for dessert and headed home to drown our sorrows. There's a photo that reflects how I felt. It was a dark ending to the day.

Sunday I woke up and said to Kate that I will not accept living anywhere where I have to use coin-operated laundry machines in the basement - I'd already done that in college, Paris, and San Francisco and those days were behind me! - and that I didn't want to look at any more apartments this weekend. Kate had also been thinking that night and suggested we put some items on Craigs List. We ended up listing 8 items and I've already sold 4! I sold an ice cream maker, a Kitchenaid Mixmaster, a compact refrigerator and a breadmaker. I've got a list of more things I'm going to add. She also wants me to contact some consignment shops regarding some of my high end clothing, shoes and hats. We spent all of Sunday unpacking boxes, going through the kitchen cabinets and pulling out things for me to keep, deciding which furniture I should keep and opening several more boxes in the garage. That evening we trotted over to Michelle's across the street for more cocktails and hors-d'oevres. Kate had never met Michelle and they hit it off immediately. I made sure I didn't get drunk this time, adding tonic to my vodka tonic as I drank it. We had a great time though and it was a nice ending to the day.

Monday Francine drove down from San Francisco and brought a gourmet lunch with her. We had prosciutto, brie, smoked gouda, fabulous baguette, foccaccia, homemade olives (the olives came from a friend's olive orchard and Michael had marinated them), a salad that Francine made on the spot, accompanied by Louis Roederer Estate champagne that Kate had found in my garage and which was excellent. We laughed and caught up. The three of us hadn't been together since the last time Kate was here, which was several years ago. We've all known each other since 1976 and share a lot of great memories. Then we got to work. Or at least they did. I've never seen anyone pack so fast. I tried to make lists of what went into the boxes, but I finally gave up. I think they packed 7 boxes - stemware, dishes, cookware, photo albums, sweaters and jackets, cutting boards, mugs, knives, escargo plates and tongs, etc. - all destined for my new apartment, wherever that might be. I made espresso later in one of my newly found Parisian espresso makers and Francine was favorably impressed (she's Italian and drinks espresso regularly, so I was pleased). Wayne came by around 3 like he does every Monday, to prepare the garbage for pickup Tuesday morning, and he spent a couple of hours organizing things. Francine left at 4:30 along with Kate whom she dropped off at the airport on her way back to the city. I was sad to see them both go.

So here I am, on my own again, but much further ahead in this process than I was before the two powerhouses - Brenda and Kate - came to help. I now can see the light at the end of the tunnel regarding getting out of this house. The more junk I uncover, hidden in the darkest recesses of the house, the more toxic this house becomes for me and the more anxious I am to get out. I don't know where I will end up, but at least it will not be here. I might find it on Craigs List, or it might be via word of mouth, but I will find it. If it's not in time for when I'm ready to move, then I'll just put everything in storage and find a temporary situation and also take advantage of my lack of roots to go visit friends and family

Upward and onward, as they say.

My New Apartment

That was just a joke. In the photo I'm actually sitting in the downstairs closet in the kitchen under the stairs after Brenda pulled out all the jackets and odds and ends, vacuumed and spread baking soda. It's now filled with the jackets I'm keeping and boxes I've already packed to bring to my new apartment once I find it (books, photo albums, the fish plates, cookbooks). Brenda was here for 2 full days (3 nights) and accomplished an amazing amount of work on the house. She is a powerhouse! We went through most of my clothes, she emptied 3 full closets, moved boxes up and down the stairs, made a run to the recycle place with the back of the Prius full of padded envelopes. We also laughed a lot, spent a drunken evening across the street with my hard-drinking neighbors, went for 2 sunset walks, had a lovely lunch along the Bay, picked up my divorce papers and traded war stories. It was wonderful and I wish she could have stayed longer. Kate arrives tomorrow from Texas for 4 days. She's already put together a portfolio with a different section for each city I'll be looking in including various pockets, she's downloaded google maps and plotted out where promising apartments are, etc. We're going to spend Friday working on the house along with Wayne and calling apartments to make appointments and then Saturday and Sunday we'll go apartment hunting. On Monday Francine comes down from San Francisco for a joyful reunion (I'm going to try out some of the Louis Roederer champagne I've got stored) and also to help us, and then she'll drop Kate off at the airport on her way back to the city. Meanwhile Wayne has been here almost every day clearing out the garage, taking boxes to the recycle and shredding places, helping me get ready for our biweekly recycle garbage pickup, organizing everything. He's been invaluable. I couldn't do this without him. I've decided on a liquidator and we've set the date for the estate sale (the weekend of August 7). I'm calling my landlady in the next day or two to let her know we're leaving.


Elson is not making it very easy for me. I won't go into details here, but things have been pretty stressful and my emotions go up and down on a daily basis. People are becoming concerned about my weight (98.5 pounds last time I weighed myself) and so I've scheduled an appointment for a check-up. I am proceeding with the divorce. Unfortunately, it probably won't be finalized before the end of the year, but I've got too much on my plate right now and can't concentrate on too many things at once. I haven't been able to do my monkey bars very much the last week because of visitors and other welcome interruptions, but I notice the difference in my state of mind and my clarity when I don't do them. I also haven't been going to exercise class, which I miss, but I can't fit that into my present schedule.

So that's it for now. I'll post more after Kate leaves.

A Weekend In The Country

During the first season of the tv show Desperate Housewives, the creator Marc Cherry named each episode after a Stephen Sondheim song. I'm not going to limit myself to Stephen Sondheim (my original blog A New Journey used the song about Sisters for one posting), but I thought it was accurate for this posting. This song is from the Sondheim musical A Little Night Music.

The parts of the weekend that involved Wayne and Arlene were idyllic. As you can see from the photos in the slide show, we had a wonderful time. We stayed at the Hooper Bear Creek Inn situated along Bear Creek in a beautiful residential area in Merced. We had the whole house to ourselves as it seems most guests come during the week to visit their children at school and check out their classes. We picnicked at the mall during a Latin Jazz concert, walked along the creek at sunset, had coffee and sweets in the formal dining room at 9 PM after our walk, had breakfast in the Sun Room, visited a large, wonderful cheese factory on the way home. It was lovely. It was also extremely helpful to have them with me after each visit and phone call. They provided a safety net and a cushion as well as a sounding board.

The rest of the weekend, the parts that involved Elson, were hard but necessary. I found out when I visited him on Saturday that he had not fully understood that this was a full fledged divorce. At least that's what he said. He got very upset and spent the whole day letting me know how upset he was. It was a physical version of the phone calls I've been getting. However, I stood firm. I ended up telling him everything I'd come intending to tell him. My practice with Wayne and Arlene on the way up paid off. I kept reminding myself of all the realizations I've had the last few months. Sunday wasn't any better and I told him I was not coming until 10:30 AM and I was leaving early at 12:30 PM. There really wasn't any reason to stay any longer. I've made it clear to him that I will not accept any more of those phone calls. I began to see him in a new light. I'm beginning to think that this deep depression is not really a depression, but an effort to get me to change my mind. After all, why wouldn't it - it worked all those years of our marriage. I recognize the pattern now, his modus operandi. I'm hearing from more and more people that they found it painful to be around us because of the way he treated me and the way I kept taking it. Even though I knew how stifling and crippling it was for me in that relationship, I really had not been aware it was so visible to everyone else. There was another song that began to filter through my head this past weekend - "what kind of fool am I?" I know now that I've truly had my head buried in the sand for a long time.

All these realizations are resulting in my finally feeling free of him, but it is not easy. I'm in a state of shock right now. I know he loved me as much as he can love anyone, but it's not the kind of love I thought it was or that I now know I deserve. I still feel sad, and sometimes on the verge of tears, and maybe a little fragile, but the sadness is for different reasons now and I know I have a wonderful life ahead of me. Every day I move closer to it. Kate emailed me today some apartment listings on Craigs List and each one sounds perfect. Brenda arrives tomorrow ready to get to work. I called the liquidator Jordan today and he's probably coming next Monday with his partner to give me some price estimates and to have another walk through the house now that I've got a lot more items showing.

There were a lot of wonderful moments in our marriage and I will always treasure those. I gained the most loving, accepting, nurturing, supportive family on the planet who have taught me all about unconditional love. I refuse to negate any of that and I reject the notion of time wasted. However, I want to assure all of those who have expressed a concern that I might renege and go back to him....it ain't gonna happen. My eyes are finally open - wide open. This journey is finished, done, ended. I'm ready for my next journey.

Strong versus Fragile

A friend who's been reading the blog said to me in an email: "how can you be so strong and look so fragile?" This struck me because I'd never thought of myself as looking fragile. Then I remembered that I'd been looking fragile in photos the last year - my eyes were red and I seemed always on the verge of tears - even though in actuality I'd been fine, as far as I could recall. I hadn't liked these photos and have deleted most of them. But today I went through my file and found a couple. Sure enough - red eyes, weepy look, trembly lips. I started mentioning it to Wayne when he arrived here today to work on the house, and he exclaimed that they'd noticed last night at dinner how different I looked from how I'd looked just several months ago. He said that when we'd had dinner together back in October I looked beaten, crushed, folded within as though in a fetal position. Last night, however, he said I was exuberant, outgoing, relaxed, happy, and he was wishing he'd taken a photograph. I wish he had, too. I want to eradicate those old images from my mind. I'm so happy to have outer confirmation that I am NO LONGER FRAGILE.

Wayne and Arlene are driving me to Atwater tomorrow to visit Elson. This will be the first time in 2 months that I will have seen him and the first time we agreed on a divorce and I told him I'm moving out of the house. A lot has happened since then. I will be posting a summary on Monday of how it went.

Monkey Bars and Optimism

There has been lots of progress on the house. My sister Trish and her boyfriend spent the weekend with me and we filled up many many hefty garbage bags with trash and clothing to be sold, and cleared off at least half a dozen shelves of magazines and old papers. The important thing is that we attacked a room that I'd been planning to start clearing out for months, but which had always ended up overwhelming me and sending me running back to bed. Now I'm able to continue the task on my own. The living room is slowly filling up with objects to be sold. I don't know how the liquidator (it sounds like The Terminator - I guess it is in a way, it'll be a termination of my old life - maybe I should start calling him The Initiator because it'll lead to the beginning of my new life) is going to manage finding space to display everything, but neither one of them seemed to think that would be a problem. Today Wayne and Arlene came and helped me haul everything out to the driveway for the garbage and recycle pickup tomorrow morning. They also filled their car with bags of recycle materials to be dropped off on their way home.

My daughter-in-law Brenda is flying in from Seattle a week from Wednesday for a few days to help me with the sorting and clearing out, and then my good friend Kate is flying in from Texas on June 19 to not only help with that, but also to help me start looking for an apartment. That's a big step. I already know what I DON'T want (I don't want anything depressing with cottage cheese ceilings and shaggy carpets - I did all that in my youth) and I'm beginning to make a list of what I do want. I'd like to have a 2 bedroom 1 bath so I can have an office that would double as a guest bedroom, I'd like a building with security, I want lots of closet space and storage (I had a walk-in closet with my studio, so I should be able to have one with an apartment), it would be nice to have a deck or patio, it has to be on the ground floor or have an elevator, I'd like an exercise facility on the premises, covered parking space, wi-fi, lots of light....I can have that, right? I'm willing to pay a little more so that I can be happy. I'm too old to compromise on my comfort! I don't know yet if I'll be able to find a 2 bedroom in my price range, but I'm going to look for one and be optimistic. Besides, maybe it's like that old saying that nature abhors a vacuum. If I end up renting an apartment that's a little bit more expensive than what I had planned on, then doesn't that mean I'll end up finding a source of income that's a little bit more than I'd envisioned? Why not. Today I'm optimistic and positive.

There are many things that are helping me get through this period of my life, and one of them is having monkey bars. That's what Art Mortell calls them. I try to give each day a certain structure and to do certain things which help focus me and give me the strength to stay on top of my challenges, like climbing monkey bars in a playground. My monkey bars consist of: daily meditative nap in the middle of the day; making lists where I can cross things off; 20 minute walk at sunset; writing a daily journal; listening to my body and resting when it tells me I need to; letting people help me (this is a first for me and it has turned out to be my most important monkey bar); working on at least one room in the house every day; concentrating on not being externally driven. These are just a few of them. Everything is helping.

Progress Report

Things are moving fast now. Wayne and I met with two separate estate sale liquidators today. Each of them was very professional and knowledgeable and I can't go wrong with either one. They're different in that one of them has a warehouse and would take on consignment any antiques or other large ticket items that didn't sell in the sale and try to sell them in their warehouse or at antique auctions, swapmeets, etc. The other one doesn't do that and their only post-sale offer is to take everything and donate it to a charity. However, both of them can help me clear out the house and get it ready for the sale. That really takes a burden off our shoulders, because otherwise I don't see how we'd ever get out of here. At this point I'm thinking end of July for the estate/liquidation sale. There is a third company that I'm going to interview next week.

I've opened more boxes in the garage and found more treasures. I found my Turkish coffee set that I bought in Israel, some beautiful plates with pictures of fish (Villeroy Boch) that I'd totally forgotten about and which will become my every day dishes, a wine picnic basket (I told Wayne that once I get settled we all have to go on a picnic), etc. Each box uncovers more and more of my old self. I'm beginning to get very excited about my new life and can't wait to get started.

My espresso maker

Here it is, in all its glory. Just seeing it perched on my stovetop brings a smile to my face. It's not the aroma of the coffee, it's the aroma of my former happy life.

They say that good things come from bad things. One of the good things has been hearing from so many people in response to this blog. I treasure each and every phone call and email. They all help. I was thinking as I took my daily sunset walk today that I am very rich. I have three wonderful families: 1) my blood family (the Druces/Sklars), 2) my Lui family, and 3) my family of friends. They are all very dear to me and I'm glad that this situation has brought me back in touch with so many of them.

I don't have anything new to report. Today was not a good day for me. The last few months I've been on an emotional roller coaster. I pretty much restricted my original blog, the one for general viewership (http://www.laureldruce.blogspot.com/) to positive entries. I'm going to be more honest and forthright here. This blog is to keep you updated on everything that's going on, and I promise to do that. Today I allowed myself to get emotional and to visit what I call my dark hole. I wrote a poem about this dark hole:
I’m at the bottom of a deep black hole
There’s a little light streaming in
I dig and I dig – dirt gets under my nails
I inch closer to the light, but still,
I can’t stand up, the ceiling’s too low.
Some hands reach in, try to pull me out
But I’m stuck.
Some hands gently push me from behind towards the light.
I can smell the air, see the bright colors.
I want to be there – I can breathe it, it’s calling me.
But I’m stuck. And it’s comfortable here. It’s warm.
And known.
But stale. And messy. I don’t like it. I want to leave.
My hand is through! I can feel the sunshine!
An inch at a time – I’m moving. I’m getting there.
Wait for me, Sun! I’m coming!
That pretty much describes how I felt today. But I'm out of the hole now and looking forward to getting back into action tomorrow. Friday I interview two estate sale liquidation companies, and this weekend Trish and her boyfriend are coming to help me clean out the house. That's it for now. Again, thanks for caring and for calling/emailing me.

Today is the first day of my new life

That's not exactly true, but it sounds good. I've actually been on this path for a few months now. This is a new blog that I am creating just for my special, close friends so that I can keep them apprised on what's going on with me - just me - not for universal viewership. I've got a lot of news to share, and not a lot of time right now, but I wanted to at least give you all an overview. You've probably noticed that I haven't posted anything to my original blog A New Journey for awhile. My friends didn't want to hear anything about Elson, and I didn't want to share my personal news there. So I'm starting this blog. The last 4 months have been an emotional roller coaster for me. I've been up and down, depressed and optimistic, angry and sad, focused and overwhelmed, scared and excited, fearful and hopeful, clearsighted and confused. Every day I wake up not knowing how I will feel that day, how much I will get accomplished, what I will learn, what kind of decisions I'll have to make. I've lost 15 pounds in the process (not a diet I would recommend) and can count on my fingers the number of nights I've slept through without fitful dreams or awakening and not being able to get back to sleep. HOWEVER, I finally see light at the end of the tunnel. I finally know in my heart that I will get through this. I will emerge a better and happier and stronger person.

I told everyone that Elson being sentenced to prison was a gift from God to me, and I still believe that. I never would have had the courage or strength to get out of this marriage without his having been forcibly removed from my presence. I still dread his calls, and I still react emotionally to them, usually becoming depressed, traumatized, confused, but each time less and less so. I have spent the last 4 months working on myself. I somehow knew that I had to become strong and clear on the inside before beginning to work on my outer environment. I have been in counseling with a wonderful counselor, Kathy. I have also been working with Art Mortell, an old friend of both mine and Elson's who is a motivational speaker and has written several books on dealing with and surviving failure and abuse, etc. Hilary Clinton said it takes a village, and I agree, and I have my own village, consisting of my sister Trish (yes! we finally have a wonderful sisterly relationship! that is one of the gifts to emerge from this whole trauma), Elson's sister Arlene and her husband Wayne, my daughter-in-law and soul sister Brenda, and Art Mortell. They check in with me on a daily basis, they provide me with love, support and advice with each one of them coming from a different perspective and all of it extremely helpful. I write a journal every evening of not just the day's events, but also my feelings and reactions and any insights I might have gained, and I email it to them, and they respond back. I have finally started dealing with my childhood and how it has affected me and my decisions over the years. I now understand why I married someone like Elson and why I stayed with him through all these years of abuse and trauma, and why he married me. We were both damaged goods and we were each of us bad for the other. I know that I became an enabler and bear responsibility for what we created together. I'm dealing with the shame and embarrasment connected with that. I want to say right here that I thank you, each and every one of you, for sticking with me through all these years, as uncomfortable as it must have been.

But I digress. Let me jump to the concrete changes and decisions that have been made. I am filing for divorce, and Elson knows and accepts it. In fact, he was the one to first suggest it after I finally said an emphatic no to a request (ie order) of his. I made it clear to him that his lifestyle and choices were too stressful for me and had impacted my health. I told him that I knew in my heart that if I'd spent one more year with him, I would have not have survived it. Because there is a 6 month waiting period in California, I must file before the end of June. It's complicated because of our financial situation, but I will get it done. I have a financial advisor helping me. I have also told Elson that I am moving out of the house and selling everything. He wasn't very happy about that either. I'm still very angry that he expected me to stay in this huge house (4500 sq ft) and pay this exorbitant rent ($3720/month) for 2 years so that he would have it to come home to. The stairs and the size are becoming too much for me, and the rent is draining the few resources I have left. I hadn't done any real estate loans for a year because I was too depressed. Now I either have to get back into it or find a regular job. I can't do the latter until I'm settled in a new place. I'm exploring parking my broker's license with a mortgage company that would provide me with some leads. I'm also exploring earning money through writing, which has always been a dream of mine.

I am in the process of interviewing estate sale liquidators. That seems the most efficient option - they would sell everything - furniture, clothing, office supplies, kitchen appliances, books, records, etc. It's going to take a couple of months to prepare for it, though, since the house is a mess. I've been gradually getting rid of stacks of newspapers and magazines and returning unopened items to Costco, but now we're (along with Wayne, my sister, and others) opening the boxes that have been stored in the garage since 1989 which we moved from San Francisco and never opened, as well as working on other rooms in the house. It's a huge process. My friend Kate who now lives in Texas has offered to fly out one weekend and help me. I'm going to feel so light and free once I get rid of all this STUFF.

Some people are recommending I not search for an apartment right away. They think I should just store my personal items and some furniture and spend time visiting people and healing and recovering and saving the expense of rent for awhile. Then there's the other camp that understands my need to have my own space and to feather my nest. It's also difficult to know what furniture to keep for myself without knowing what the new apartment looks like. I bounce back and forth between these two options on a daily basis, sometimes switching sides within the day. There are pros and cons for each.

I'm very frightened of running out of money. That's what keeps me up at night the most. I'll feel a lot better once I have some money coming in.

That's probably enough for now. I encourage you all to write me with any questions or suggestions you might have. I basically wanted you to know that I am on the road to recovery, my health is very good considering, I have lots of help and support, I am FINALLY getting free, I am becoming once again the Laurel you once knew and somehow still loved. Oh, I forgot the most exciting news. My friend and mentor and guru Art Mortell and I are going to write a book together. I am so excited. We are going to include my journals from this year, and poetry I've been writing, as well as notes from his almost daily conversations with me helping me find my way through this maze that's become my life. He's already had several books published, so I know ours will get published as well. He's still editing and working on his most recent book, so it'll be a while before we start working on ours.

Please keep in touch. You'll notice I changed the photo on my profile to include an apple martini. It's a symbol of my new life. Oh, and while I was unpacking one of the boxes in the garage, I found my old aluminum stovetop coffeemaker from Paris. I was so excited! I made myself a cappucino with it yesterday and boy did it bring back memories. Happy memories.

Wish me luck!