Ups and Downs and Search for Apartment

It's been quite a ride since Kate left. I know people have been posting comments about how brave and strong and inspiring I am, but I don't feel that way. The truth is, I often get overwhelmed and depressed and unable to see a bright, cheery future. However, I know it's out there. I think the closer I get to the date of the sale and moving out, the more frightened I get. The unknown can be a scary thing.

Fortunately, the bad days don't last very long. In the beginning they would last for upwards to a week. Last week I had a meltdown on Tuesday which lasted all the way through Thursday, with a little window of happiness on Wednesday. A new friend, Laura Taylor, invited me to San Francisco for dinner and then to join her and some friends to see one of my favorite jazz singers, Karrin Allyson, at the new Yoshi's. It was a wonderful evening. It's the first time I've driven to the city just for the evening. After Elson first left, I was very uncomfortable driving and afraid to drive at night. This was the result of all the years of criticism - of my driving and everything else I did. I didn't have any confidence that I could do anything right. When Brenda stayed with me in January, I had her do all the driving, and when I'm with Wayne in my car he does the driving. I'm gradually getting my confidence back. Brenda noticed it right away during her most recent visit where I did all the driving, and did it well, with confidence. I was fine driving to the city on Wednesday, and I was even fine driving back at night after having a glass of wine with dinner and a cocktail at Yoshi's. I loved being in Laura's apartment (there's something special about an apartment in SF, as there is with apartments in NY) and she had prepared a wonderful dinner. The jazz concert was great and I loved being with her friends. It felt like I had come home. Part of me wishes I could live in SF, but not only can I not afford it, also it would be too hard for me. There was a whole flight of stairs leading up to Laura's building, then another flight up to her apartment. Most of them would be like that.

On Friday I was back to my usual self and got back to work. Unfortunately, I hurt my back on Tuesday and it still hurts, so I have to take things slowly. I haven't done my sunset walk since then because of my back, but I'm going to try to do it today. Trish came on Friday and helped me, and my good friends Sten and Carole Mawson were here yesterday helping me pack boxes and dump the bottles of wine and champagne that Kate had christened as "no good". So there has been progress. Wayne helped me find a great storage space for Elson's things at a terrific price and I signed a year's contract on the 24th. It comes with a free truck, and so tomorrow Wayne is using it to take the boxes we've packed so far for Elson to the storage space. That will clear room in the garage for my boxes.

Wayne and Arlene's hairdresser lives in a cottage in San Carlos which she will be vacating in a few weeks. The rent is incredibly low and I'm thinking of renting it temporarily until I find the perfect apartment. It's on a creek surrounded by trees and it sounds very restful and peaceful, which everybody agrees would be the ideal situation for me. The rent is low enough that I would be able to afford getting a storage space for most of my stuff and also go visit people, like Art in Malibu and the kids in Seattle, and maybe even my friends in NY. I'd love that. It would also give me time to look for a job. I can't really decide on how much rent I can afford until I get a job. I haven't seen the cottage yet though. I've heard it's very basic and rustic, which would be a big change for me. But I think I can do it.

I'm going to put together a list of what I'm looking for in a job and also what I'm looking for in an apartment, and I'll both post the lists on this blog and also email them to everyone. I have a feeling I'll find both through networking. I'm also going to look for other cottages and apartments in San Carlos when I go to see this one.

I have 3 weeks until the estate sale people come to starting setting up for the sale. The sale is going to take place on August 8, 9 and 10. I know I'm going to only get a fraction of what everything is worth, but it's better than nothing.

That's about it for now. I just wanted to be honest that not every day is what could be called "inspiring", but I'm basically doing ok and moving forward. I just keep picturing Mary Tyler Moore, tossing her hat up in the air to the sound of "she'll make it on her own." Of course, I'm not on my own yet. I don't know where I'd be without the tremendous help I've been getting, from Wayne and Arlene, Trish, Brenda, Kate and now my other friends who have begun pitching in - Francine, the Mawsons, etc. I can't wait until I'm settled in my new apartment and can start entertaining again and can have them all over. My apartment will not be decorated with lalique or lladro or jade and ivory carvings. I will have my water pipe from Israel (photo included), momentos from Paris, my antique oil lamp I purchased at a flea market in Paris, signed artwork by Betty Guy, a framed embroidered strip tease on handkerchiefs that someone had made for my mother, lots of family photos, etc. I want it to be uncluttered but warm and inviting. I'm very excited about it.