It's been quite a ride since Kate left. I know people have been posting comments about how brave and strong and inspiring I am, but I don't feel that way. The truth is, I often get overwhelmed and depressed and unable to see a bright, cheery future. However, I know it's out there. I think the closer I get to the date of the sale and moving out, the more frightened I get. The unknown can be a scary thing.
Fortunately, the bad days don't last very long. In the beginning they would last for upwards to a week. Last week I had a meltdown on Tuesday which lasted all the way through Thursday, with a little window of happiness on Wednesday. A new friend, Laura Taylor, invited me to San Francisco for dinner and then to join her and some friends to see one of my favorite jazz singers, Karrin Allyson, at the new Yoshi's. It was a wonderful evening. It's the first time I've driven to the city just for the evening. After Elson first left, I was very uncomfortable driving and afraid to drive at night. This was the result of all the years of criticism - of my driving and everything else I did. I didn't have any confidence that I could do anything right. When Brenda stayed with me in January, I had her do all the driving, and when I'm with Wayne in my car he does the driving. I'm gradually getting my confidence back. Brenda noticed it right away during her most recent visit where I did all the driving, and did it well, with confidence. I was fine driving to the city on Wednesday, and I was even fine driving back at night after having a glass of wine with dinner and a cocktail at Yoshi's. I loved being in Laura's apartment (there's something special about an apartment in SF, as there is with apartments in NY) and she had prepared a wonderful dinner. The jazz concert was great and I loved being with her friends. It felt like I had come home. Part of me wishes I could live in SF, but not only can I not afford it, also it would be too hard for me. There was a whole flight of stairs leading up to Laura's building, then another flight up to her apartment. Most of them would be like that.
On Friday I was back to my usual self and got back to work. Unfortunately, I hurt my back on Tuesday and it still hurts, so I have to take things slowly. I haven't done my sunset walk since then because of my back, but I'm going to try to do it today. Trish came on Friday and helped me, and my good friends Sten and Carole Mawson were here yesterday helping me pack boxes and dump the bottles of wine and champagne that Kate had christened as "no good". So there has been progress. Wayne helped me find a great storage space for Elson's things at a terrific price and I signed a year's contract on the 24th. It comes with a free truck, and so tomorrow Wayne is using it to take the boxes we've packed so far for Elson to the storage space. That will clear room in the garage for my boxes.
Wayne and Arlene's hairdresser lives in a cottage in San Carlos which she will be vacating in a few weeks. The rent is incredibly low and I'm thinking of renting it temporarily until I find the perfect apartment. It's on a creek surrounded by trees and it sounds very restful and peaceful, which everybody agrees would be the ideal situation for me. The rent is low enough that I would be able to afford getting a storage space for most of my stuff and also go visit people, like Art in Malibu and the kids in Seattle, and maybe even my friends in NY. I'd love that. It would also give me time to look for a job. I can't really decide on how much rent I can afford until I get a job. I haven't seen the cottage yet though. I've heard it's very basic and rustic, which would be a big change for me. But I think I can do it.
I'm going to put together a list of what I'm looking for in a job and also what I'm looking for in an apartment, and I'll both post the lists on this blog and also email them to everyone. I have a feeling I'll find both through networking. I'm also going to look for other cottages and apartments in San Carlos when I go to see this one.
I have 3 weeks until the estate sale people come to starting setting up for the sale. The sale is going to take place on August 8, 9 and 10. I know I'm going to only get a fraction of what everything is worth, but it's better than nothing.
That's about it for now. I just wanted to be honest that not every day is what could be called "inspiring", but I'm basically doing ok and moving forward. I just keep picturing Mary Tyler Moore, tossing her hat up in the air to the sound of "she'll make it on her own." Of course, I'm not on my own yet. I don't know where I'd be without the tremendous help I've been getting, from Wayne and Arlene, Trish, Brenda, Kate and now my other friends who have begun pitching in - Francine, the Mawsons, etc. I can't wait until I'm settled in my new apartment and can start entertaining again and can have them all over. My apartment will not be decorated with lalique or lladro or jade and ivory carvings. I will have my water pipe from Israel (photo included), momentos from Paris, my antique oil lamp I purchased at a flea market in Paris, signed artwork by Betty Guy, a framed embroidered strip tease on handkerchiefs that someone had made for my mother, lots of family photos, etc. I want it to be uncluttered but warm and inviting. I'm very excited about it.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Monday, June 23, 2008
4 Days With Kate
Kate left tonight after a whirlwind visit. It's amazing how much we got accomplished. I've posted a slide show that kind of recaps the visit. She arrived 2 hours late Thursday night, thanks to American Airlines, not landing until 11 PM that night. Friday morning I gave her a tour of Redwood City (she hadn't seen it since she moved away 17 years ago) and she was duly impressed. We visited Cost Plus since she works at the one in Fort Worth and she was interested to see how it compared (ours is much prettier). While there she bought some wine and my first housewarming gift - a martini shaker so I can make apple martinis! We came back to find Wayne already here hard at work. We spent the day working on the house. We emptied all the old jars of sauces, etc. in the fridge, put items in large bottles into small ones, threw out all the old stuff, and ended up with a beautiful, organized fridge where I can see everything I have. There's a photo of Kate at the sink emptying the jars. She also went through all the cases of wines we had in the garage and separated the maybes from the definitely nots. She opened several of them, finding a Veuve Cliquot I'd purchased in the last 2 years which was quite fine and which helped her get through the arduous day. There's a photo of the empty bottles of all the wines we ended up pouring down the drain. We took a break for lunch with Wayne. It got really hot in the afternoon, which caused me to have a meltdown and have to take a nap. The day ended with my sunset walk and dinner and then we crashed fairly early.
Saturday was another story. It started off well. Kris Gardner, an old friend from the San Francisco heydays, dropped by for coffee and catching up. I hadn't seen her for about 20 years but she looks the same-gorgeous. She left with a plant, a sweater and a small vase. Kate and I have decided everyone has to leave with something! Kate and I then spent the day looking at apartments. Before leaving the house, we looked at Craigs List and spent a lot of time narrowing down the choices so we could focus on the ones that were the most promising. Well, I have one thing to say - they lie on Craigs List. We looked at 5 buildings, getting inside 2 apartments, and it was the most depressing day I'd had in a long time. Very very depressing. Tiny, no closet space, dark, tiny kitchens with no microwave or cupboard space, tiny bathrooms, dark, dark, dark, with coin-operated laundry machines in the basement. After the 5th one I'd had enough and we repaired to Trader Joe's where we got some wine, cheese, bread, antipasto and frozen espresso cups for dessert and headed home to drown our sorrows. There's a photo that reflects how I felt. It was a dark ending to the day.
Sunday I woke up and said to Kate that I will not accept living anywhere where I have to use coin-operated laundry machines in the basement - I'd already done that in college, Paris, and San Francisco and those days were behind me! - and that I didn't want to look at any more apartments this weekend. Kate had also been thinking that night and suggested we put some items on Craigs List. We ended up listing 8 items and I've already sold 4! I sold an ice cream maker, a Kitchenaid Mixmaster, a compact refrigerator and a breadmaker. I've got a list of more things I'm going to add. She also wants me to contact some consignment shops regarding some of my high end clothing, shoes and hats. We spent all of Sunday unpacking boxes, going through the kitchen cabinets and pulling out things for me to keep, deciding which furniture I should keep and opening several more boxes in the garage. That evening we trotted over to Michelle's across the street for more cocktails and hors-d'oevres. Kate had never met Michelle and they hit it off immediately. I made sure I didn't get drunk this time, adding tonic to my vodka tonic as I drank it. We had a great time though and it was a nice ending to the day.
Monday Francine drove down from San Francisco and brought a gourmet lunch with her. We had prosciutto, brie, smoked gouda, fabulous baguette, foccaccia, homemade olives (the olives came from a friend's olive orchard and Michael had marinated them), a salad that Francine made on the spot, accompanied by Louis Roederer Estate champagne that Kate had found in my garage and which was excellent. We laughed and caught up. The three of us hadn't been together since the last time Kate was here, which was several years ago. We've all known each other since 1976 and share a lot of great memories. Then we got to work. Or at least they did. I've never seen anyone pack so fast. I tried to make lists of what went into the boxes, but I finally gave up. I think they packed 7 boxes - stemware, dishes, cookware, photo albums, sweaters and jackets, cutting boards, mugs, knives, escargo plates and tongs, etc. - all destined for my new apartment, wherever that might be. I made espresso later in one of my newly found Parisian espresso makers and Francine was favorably impressed (she's Italian and drinks espresso regularly, so I was pleased). Wayne came by around 3 like he does every Monday, to prepare the garbage for pickup Tuesday morning, and he spent a couple of hours organizing things. Francine left at 4:30 along with Kate whom she dropped off at the airport on her way back to the city. I was sad to see them both go.
So here I am, on my own again, but much further ahead in this process than I was before the two powerhouses - Brenda and Kate - came to help. I now can see the light at the end of the tunnel regarding getting out of this house. The more junk I uncover, hidden in the darkest recesses of the house, the more toxic this house becomes for me and the more anxious I am to get out. I don't know where I will end up, but at least it will not be here. I might find it on Craigs List, or it might be via word of mouth, but I will find it. If it's not in time for when I'm ready to move, then I'll just put everything in storage and find a temporary situation and also take advantage of my lack of roots to go visit friends and family
Upward and onward, as they say.
Saturday was another story. It started off well. Kris Gardner, an old friend from the San Francisco heydays, dropped by for coffee and catching up. I hadn't seen her for about 20 years but she looks the same-gorgeous. She left with a plant, a sweater and a small vase. Kate and I have decided everyone has to leave with something! Kate and I then spent the day looking at apartments. Before leaving the house, we looked at Craigs List and spent a lot of time narrowing down the choices so we could focus on the ones that were the most promising. Well, I have one thing to say - they lie on Craigs List. We looked at 5 buildings, getting inside 2 apartments, and it was the most depressing day I'd had in a long time. Very very depressing. Tiny, no closet space, dark, tiny kitchens with no microwave or cupboard space, tiny bathrooms, dark, dark, dark, with coin-operated laundry machines in the basement. After the 5th one I'd had enough and we repaired to Trader Joe's where we got some wine, cheese, bread, antipasto and frozen espresso cups for dessert and headed home to drown our sorrows. There's a photo that reflects how I felt. It was a dark ending to the day.
Sunday I woke up and said to Kate that I will not accept living anywhere where I have to use coin-operated laundry machines in the basement - I'd already done that in college, Paris, and San Francisco and those days were behind me! - and that I didn't want to look at any more apartments this weekend. Kate had also been thinking that night and suggested we put some items on Craigs List. We ended up listing 8 items and I've already sold 4! I sold an ice cream maker, a Kitchenaid Mixmaster, a compact refrigerator and a breadmaker. I've got a list of more things I'm going to add. She also wants me to contact some consignment shops regarding some of my high end clothing, shoes and hats. We spent all of Sunday unpacking boxes, going through the kitchen cabinets and pulling out things for me to keep, deciding which furniture I should keep and opening several more boxes in the garage. That evening we trotted over to Michelle's across the street for more cocktails and hors-d'oevres. Kate had never met Michelle and they hit it off immediately. I made sure I didn't get drunk this time, adding tonic to my vodka tonic as I drank it. We had a great time though and it was a nice ending to the day.
Monday Francine drove down from San Francisco and brought a gourmet lunch with her. We had prosciutto, brie, smoked gouda, fabulous baguette, foccaccia, homemade olives (the olives came from a friend's olive orchard and Michael had marinated them), a salad that Francine made on the spot, accompanied by Louis Roederer Estate champagne that Kate had found in my garage and which was excellent. We laughed and caught up. The three of us hadn't been together since the last time Kate was here, which was several years ago. We've all known each other since 1976 and share a lot of great memories. Then we got to work. Or at least they did. I've never seen anyone pack so fast. I tried to make lists of what went into the boxes, but I finally gave up. I think they packed 7 boxes - stemware, dishes, cookware, photo albums, sweaters and jackets, cutting boards, mugs, knives, escargo plates and tongs, etc. - all destined for my new apartment, wherever that might be. I made espresso later in one of my newly found Parisian espresso makers and Francine was favorably impressed (she's Italian and drinks espresso regularly, so I was pleased). Wayne came by around 3 like he does every Monday, to prepare the garbage for pickup Tuesday morning, and he spent a couple of hours organizing things. Francine left at 4:30 along with Kate whom she dropped off at the airport on her way back to the city. I was sad to see them both go.
So here I am, on my own again, but much further ahead in this process than I was before the two powerhouses - Brenda and Kate - came to help. I now can see the light at the end of the tunnel regarding getting out of this house. The more junk I uncover, hidden in the darkest recesses of the house, the more toxic this house becomes for me and the more anxious I am to get out. I don't know where I will end up, but at least it will not be here. I might find it on Craigs List, or it might be via word of mouth, but I will find it. If it's not in time for when I'm ready to move, then I'll just put everything in storage and find a temporary situation and also take advantage of my lack of roots to go visit friends and family
Upward and onward, as they say.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
My New Apartment
That was just a joke. In the photo I'm actually sitting in the downstairs closet in the kitchen under the stairs after Brenda pulled out all the jackets and odds and ends, vacuumed and spread baking soda. It's now filled with the jackets I'm keeping and boxes I've already packed to bring to my new apartment once I find it (books, photo albums, the fish plates, cookbooks). Brenda was here for 2 full days (3 nights) and accomplished an amazing amount of work on the house. She is a powerhouse! We went through most of my clothes, she emptied 3 full closets, moved boxes up and down the stairs, made a run to the recycle place with the back of the Prius full of padded envelopes. We also laughed a lot, spent a drunken evening across the street with my hard-drinking neighbors, went for 2 sunset walks, had a lovely lunch along the Bay, picked up my divorce papers and traded war stories. It was wonderful and I wish she could have stayed longer. Kate arrives tomorrow from Texas for 4 days. She's already put together a portfolio with a different section for each city I'll be looking in including various pockets, she's downloaded google maps and plotted out where promising apartments are, etc. We're going to spend Friday working on the house along with Wayne and calling apartments to make appointments and then Saturday and Sunday we'll go apartment hunting. On Monday Francine comes down from San Francisco for a joyful reunion (I'm going to try out some of the Louis Roederer champagne I've got stored) and also to help us, and then she'll drop Kate off at the airport on her way back to the city. Meanwhile Wayne has been here almost every day clearing out the garage, taking boxes to the recycle and shredding places, helping me get ready for our biweekly recycle garbage pickup, organizing everything. He's been invaluable. I couldn't do this without him. I've decided on a liquidator and we've set the date for the estate sale (the weekend of August 7). I'm calling my landlady in the next day or two to let her know we're leaving.
Elson is not making it very easy for me. I won't go into details here, but things have been pretty stressful and my emotions go up and down on a daily basis. People are becoming concerned about my weight (98.5 pounds last time I weighed myself) and so I've scheduled an appointment for a check-up. I am proceeding with the divorce. Unfortunately, it probably won't be finalized before the end of the year, but I've got too much on my plate right now and can't concentrate on too many things at once. I haven't been able to do my monkey bars very much the last week because of visitors and other welcome interruptions, but I notice the difference in my state of mind and my clarity when I don't do them. I also haven't been going to exercise class, which I miss, but I can't fit that into my present schedule.
So that's it for now. I'll post more after Kate leaves.
Elson is not making it very easy for me. I won't go into details here, but things have been pretty stressful and my emotions go up and down on a daily basis. People are becoming concerned about my weight (98.5 pounds last time I weighed myself) and so I've scheduled an appointment for a check-up. I am proceeding with the divorce. Unfortunately, it probably won't be finalized before the end of the year, but I've got too much on my plate right now and can't concentrate on too many things at once. I haven't been able to do my monkey bars very much the last week because of visitors and other welcome interruptions, but I notice the difference in my state of mind and my clarity when I don't do them. I also haven't been going to exercise class, which I miss, but I can't fit that into my present schedule.
So that's it for now. I'll post more after Kate leaves.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
A Weekend In The Country
During the first season of the tv show Desperate Housewives, the creator Marc Cherry named each episode after a Stephen Sondheim song. I'm not going to limit myself to Stephen Sondheim (my original blog A New Journey used the song about Sisters for one posting), but I thought it was accurate for this posting. This song is from the Sondheim musical A Little Night Music.
The parts of the weekend that involved Wayne and Arlene were idyllic. As you can see from the photos in the slide show, we had a wonderful time. We stayed at the Hooper Bear Creek Inn situated along Bear Creek in a beautiful residential area in Merced. We had the whole house to ourselves as it seems most guests come during the week to visit their children at school and check out their classes. We picnicked at the mall during a Latin Jazz concert, walked along the creek at sunset, had coffee and sweets in the formal dining room at 9 PM after our walk, had breakfast in the Sun Room, visited a large, wonderful cheese factory on the way home. It was lovely. It was also extremely helpful to have them with me after each visit and phone call. They provided a safety net and a cushion as well as a sounding board.
The rest of the weekend, the parts that involved Elson, were hard but necessary. I found out when I visited him on Saturday that he had not fully understood that this was a full fledged divorce. At least that's what he said. He got very upset and spent the whole day letting me know how upset he was. It was a physical version of the phone calls I've been getting. However, I stood firm. I ended up telling him everything I'd come intending to tell him. My practice with Wayne and Arlene on the way up paid off. I kept reminding myself of all the realizations I've had the last few months. Sunday wasn't any better and I told him I was not coming until 10:30 AM and I was leaving early at 12:30 PM. There really wasn't any reason to stay any longer. I've made it clear to him that I will not accept any more of those phone calls. I began to see him in a new light. I'm beginning to think that this deep depression is not really a depression, but an effort to get me to change my mind. After all, why wouldn't it - it worked all those years of our marriage. I recognize the pattern now, his modus operandi. I'm hearing from more and more people that they found it painful to be around us because of the way he treated me and the way I kept taking it. Even though I knew how stifling and crippling it was for me in that relationship, I really had not been aware it was so visible to everyone else. There was another song that began to filter through my head this past weekend - "what kind of fool am I?" I know now that I've truly had my head buried in the sand for a long time.
All these realizations are resulting in my finally feeling free of him, but it is not easy. I'm in a state of shock right now. I know he loved me as much as he can love anyone, but it's not the kind of love I thought it was or that I now know I deserve. I still feel sad, and sometimes on the verge of tears, and maybe a little fragile, but the sadness is for different reasons now and I know I have a wonderful life ahead of me. Every day I move closer to it. Kate emailed me today some apartment listings on Craigs List and each one sounds perfect. Brenda arrives tomorrow ready to get to work. I called the liquidator Jordan today and he's probably coming next Monday with his partner to give me some price estimates and to have another walk through the house now that I've got a lot more items showing.
There were a lot of wonderful moments in our marriage and I will always treasure those. I gained the most loving, accepting, nurturing, supportive family on the planet who have taught me all about unconditional love. I refuse to negate any of that and I reject the notion of time wasted. However, I want to assure all of those who have expressed a concern that I might renege and go back to him....it ain't gonna happen. My eyes are finally open - wide open. This journey is finished, done, ended. I'm ready for my next journey.
The parts of the weekend that involved Wayne and Arlene were idyllic. As you can see from the photos in the slide show, we had a wonderful time. We stayed at the Hooper Bear Creek Inn situated along Bear Creek in a beautiful residential area in Merced. We had the whole house to ourselves as it seems most guests come during the week to visit their children at school and check out their classes. We picnicked at the mall during a Latin Jazz concert, walked along the creek at sunset, had coffee and sweets in the formal dining room at 9 PM after our walk, had breakfast in the Sun Room, visited a large, wonderful cheese factory on the way home. It was lovely. It was also extremely helpful to have them with me after each visit and phone call. They provided a safety net and a cushion as well as a sounding board.
The rest of the weekend, the parts that involved Elson, were hard but necessary. I found out when I visited him on Saturday that he had not fully understood that this was a full fledged divorce. At least that's what he said. He got very upset and spent the whole day letting me know how upset he was. It was a physical version of the phone calls I've been getting. However, I stood firm. I ended up telling him everything I'd come intending to tell him. My practice with Wayne and Arlene on the way up paid off. I kept reminding myself of all the realizations I've had the last few months. Sunday wasn't any better and I told him I was not coming until 10:30 AM and I was leaving early at 12:30 PM. There really wasn't any reason to stay any longer. I've made it clear to him that I will not accept any more of those phone calls. I began to see him in a new light. I'm beginning to think that this deep depression is not really a depression, but an effort to get me to change my mind. After all, why wouldn't it - it worked all those years of our marriage. I recognize the pattern now, his modus operandi. I'm hearing from more and more people that they found it painful to be around us because of the way he treated me and the way I kept taking it. Even though I knew how stifling and crippling it was for me in that relationship, I really had not been aware it was so visible to everyone else. There was another song that began to filter through my head this past weekend - "what kind of fool am I?" I know now that I've truly had my head buried in the sand for a long time.
All these realizations are resulting in my finally feeling free of him, but it is not easy. I'm in a state of shock right now. I know he loved me as much as he can love anyone, but it's not the kind of love I thought it was or that I now know I deserve. I still feel sad, and sometimes on the verge of tears, and maybe a little fragile, but the sadness is for different reasons now and I know I have a wonderful life ahead of me. Every day I move closer to it. Kate emailed me today some apartment listings on Craigs List and each one sounds perfect. Brenda arrives tomorrow ready to get to work. I called the liquidator Jordan today and he's probably coming next Monday with his partner to give me some price estimates and to have another walk through the house now that I've got a lot more items showing.
There were a lot of wonderful moments in our marriage and I will always treasure those. I gained the most loving, accepting, nurturing, supportive family on the planet who have taught me all about unconditional love. I refuse to negate any of that and I reject the notion of time wasted. However, I want to assure all of those who have expressed a concern that I might renege and go back to him....it ain't gonna happen. My eyes are finally open - wide open. This journey is finished, done, ended. I'm ready for my next journey.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Strong versus Fragile
A friend who's been reading the blog said to me in an email: "how can you be so strong and look so fragile?" This struck me because I'd never thought of myself as looking fragile. Then I remembered that I'd been looking fragile in photos the last year - my eyes were red and I seemed always on the verge of tears - even though in actuality I'd been fine, as far as I could recall. I hadn't liked these photos and have deleted most of them. But today I went through my file and found a couple. Sure enough - red eyes, weepy look, trembly lips. I started mentioning it to Wayne when he arrived here today to work on the house, and he exclaimed that they'd noticed last night at dinner how different I looked from how I'd looked just several months ago. He said that when we'd had dinner together back in October I looked beaten, crushed, folded within as though in a fetal position. Last night, however, he said I was exuberant, outgoing, relaxed, happy, and he was wishing he'd taken a photograph. I wish he had, too. I want to eradicate those old images from my mind. I'm so happy to have outer confirmation that I am NO LONGER FRAGILE.
Wayne and Arlene are driving me to Atwater tomorrow to visit Elson. This will be the first time in 2 months that I will have seen him and the first time we agreed on a divorce and I told him I'm moving out of the house. A lot has happened since then. I will be posting a summary on Monday of how it went.
Wayne and Arlene are driving me to Atwater tomorrow to visit Elson. This will be the first time in 2 months that I will have seen him and the first time we agreed on a divorce and I told him I'm moving out of the house. A lot has happened since then. I will be posting a summary on Monday of how it went.
Monday, June 2, 2008
Monkey Bars and Optimism
There has been lots of progress on the house. My sister Trish and her boyfriend spent the weekend with me and we filled up many many hefty garbage bags with trash and clothing to be sold, and cleared off at least half a dozen shelves of magazines and old papers. The important thing is that we attacked a room that I'd been planning to start clearing out for months, but which had always ended up overwhelming me and sending me running back to bed. Now I'm able to continue the task on my own. The living room is slowly filling up with objects to be sold. I don't know how the liquidator (it sounds like The Terminator - I guess it is in a way, it'll be a termination of my old life - maybe I should start calling him The Initiator because it'll lead to the beginning of my new life) is going to manage finding space to display everything, but neither one of them seemed to think that would be a problem. Today Wayne and Arlene came and helped me haul everything out to the driveway for the garbage and recycle pickup tomorrow morning. They also filled their car with bags of recycle materials to be dropped off on their way home.
My daughter-in-law Brenda is flying in from Seattle a week from Wednesday for a few days to help me with the sorting and clearing out, and then my good friend Kate is flying in from Texas on June 19 to not only help with that, but also to help me start looking for an apartment. That's a big step. I already know what I DON'T want (I don't want anything depressing with cottage cheese ceilings and shaggy carpets - I did all that in my youth) and I'm beginning to make a list of what I do want. I'd like to have a 2 bedroom 1 bath so I can have an office that would double as a guest bedroom, I'd like a building with security, I want lots of closet space and storage (I had a walk-in closet with my studio, so I should be able to have one with an apartment), it would be nice to have a deck or patio, it has to be on the ground floor or have an elevator, I'd like an exercise facility on the premises, covered parking space, wi-fi, lots of light....I can have that, right? I'm willing to pay a little more so that I can be happy. I'm too old to compromise on my comfort! I don't know yet if I'll be able to find a 2 bedroom in my price range, but I'm going to look for one and be optimistic. Besides, maybe it's like that old saying that nature abhors a vacuum. If I end up renting an apartment that's a little bit more expensive than what I had planned on, then doesn't that mean I'll end up finding a source of income that's a little bit more than I'd envisioned? Why not. Today I'm optimistic and positive.
There are many things that are helping me get through this period of my life, and one of them is having monkey bars. That's what Art Mortell calls them. I try to give each day a certain structure and to do certain things which help focus me and give me the strength to stay on top of my challenges, like climbing monkey bars in a playground. My monkey bars consist of: daily meditative nap in the middle of the day; making lists where I can cross things off; 20 minute walk at sunset; writing a daily journal; listening to my body and resting when it tells me I need to; letting people help me (this is a first for me and it has turned out to be my most important monkey bar); working on at least one room in the house every day; concentrating on not being externally driven. These are just a few of them. Everything is helping.
My daughter-in-law Brenda is flying in from Seattle a week from Wednesday for a few days to help me with the sorting and clearing out, and then my good friend Kate is flying in from Texas on June 19 to not only help with that, but also to help me start looking for an apartment. That's a big step. I already know what I DON'T want (I don't want anything depressing with cottage cheese ceilings and shaggy carpets - I did all that in my youth) and I'm beginning to make a list of what I do want. I'd like to have a 2 bedroom 1 bath so I can have an office that would double as a guest bedroom, I'd like a building with security, I want lots of closet space and storage (I had a walk-in closet with my studio, so I should be able to have one with an apartment), it would be nice to have a deck or patio, it has to be on the ground floor or have an elevator, I'd like an exercise facility on the premises, covered parking space, wi-fi, lots of light....I can have that, right? I'm willing to pay a little more so that I can be happy. I'm too old to compromise on my comfort! I don't know yet if I'll be able to find a 2 bedroom in my price range, but I'm going to look for one and be optimistic. Besides, maybe it's like that old saying that nature abhors a vacuum. If I end up renting an apartment that's a little bit more expensive than what I had planned on, then doesn't that mean I'll end up finding a source of income that's a little bit more than I'd envisioned? Why not. Today I'm optimistic and positive.
There are many things that are helping me get through this period of my life, and one of them is having monkey bars. That's what Art Mortell calls them. I try to give each day a certain structure and to do certain things which help focus me and give me the strength to stay on top of my challenges, like climbing monkey bars in a playground. My monkey bars consist of: daily meditative nap in the middle of the day; making lists where I can cross things off; 20 minute walk at sunset; writing a daily journal; listening to my body and resting when it tells me I need to; letting people help me (this is a first for me and it has turned out to be my most important monkey bar); working on at least one room in the house every day; concentrating on not being externally driven. These are just a few of them. Everything is helping.
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