I was a bit serious in yesterday's post, so I thought I'd be a little lighter in this one. As you can see from the photo I posted, Trish and I had some girlie fun last weekend. We first had a pedicure (Trish's treat), which was nice and luxurious. Trish was a little concerned about my sticking my feet in hot water (memories of the famous hot tub incident), but I was careful to tell the pedicurist (is that a word?) to not make it too hot and everything was fine. I especially enjoyed the foot and leg massage. It reminded me that I'm supposed to be massaging my feet every night to improve the circulation. I'm going to try to do that. Trish sent me home with a tube of foot massage cream to help me remember.
Then we went back home and treated ourselves to a mud pack facial. That was fun! We applied the mud with a paint brush - it reminded me of watercoloring - let it dry until it became white and caked, then washed it off with warm water, leaving us with baby smooth skin. What fun.
Trish has now formally and completely moved into Stan's townhouse in El Sobrante. It's further out than Oakland and a longer drive, so I opted to take public transportation. Carla dropped me off at the train station here in Redwood City. I then took the train to Millbrae, where I transferred to BART (our version of an underground) which took me to Oakland where Trish picked me up. It was easy and painless, as the BART car was right across the track from the train and was ready and waiting for me, and only took about an hour.
The trip back, however, was another story. Trish took me to a BART station in Oakland that was bigger and therefore sure to have working elevators (I don't like to take an escalator when I have a suitcase and a cane). Unfortunately, this station had two lower levels, so you had to take two separate elevators, and of course the two elevators were two blocks apart from each other. By the time I got to the relevant track, I was exhausted, plus by taking the second elevator to the lower level I seemed to have bypassed the turnstile where you use your ticket. That unfortunately meant that when I tried to exit the BART car in Millbrae, I couldn't. The turnstile wouldn't accept my ticket because I hadn't used it at the start of the journey and thus the system couldn't figure out what the fare was (I have a senior/disabled card that's 62.5% discounted). I ended up having to walk all the way to the end of the platform where someone let me exit through an official gate. Then I discovered that the track for the southbound trains were on the other side, making it necessary to take an elevator up a level, cross over the tracks, then take another elevator back down to the platform. By the time I did this, dragging my suitcase, my cane, and my legs, I'd missed my train. And the trains only run once an hour. Oy.
The adventure continued in Redwood City where I had to decide whether to take a rogue yellow cab that was allegedly illegal because it was waiting right where you get off the train, or a suspicious white limousine that had tiny tiny lettering saying "American Cab" whose driver was jumping up and down shouting that I shouldn't take the yellow "illegal" cab and should take his. I spent about a minute trying to decide who was the bigger liar and finally opted for the white limo. All's well that ends well. I made it home in one piece. The entire journey took 3 hours. But it's still better than driving in the East Bay which I HATE.
My "cancer class" ended two weeks ago, but we all bonded and have decided to continue to go on the same days at the same time. One of us is also having a holiday party in a few weeks, saying that "since we all had such a good time in class, I'm sure we'll have an equally good time at a party." Everyone is very supportive of everyone else, and it almost feels like another village. I'm not lifting as much weight as I did before, however, due to some pains in my shoulder and those bruised ribs, but I plan on getting back up there soon. I'll let you know when I do.
However, I still miss the people from my exercise class at Canada College and so will continue to drop in there now and again. After Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday (which was a wonderful, fun occasion at Stan's sister's house), I went for a vigorous walk with my sister and Stan's two sisters and was surprised and thrilled at how well I did. It gives me hope for being able to do the walk in class. Of course, I always do better at night - I've begun to think I must have some Vampire blood in me. After all, my ancestors do come from someplace in Russia. Weren't there vampires there as well?
Speaking of Stan's family, they have welcomed me into their fold and accepted me as part of the family, along with Trish. So that's another family I can count on. The riches just keep increasing!
That's all, folks.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Giving Thanks
Thanksgiving was this past Thursday and as the name implies, it has caused me to look back over the past two years and think about both what I have to give thanks for and also what I need to let go of. It was two years ago this month that Elson was arrested and my life suddenly changed overnight. My life had been in limbo for quite some time, but this was a definitive event that I knew meant some huge changes. It's been quite a ride. There have been some highs and there have been some lows. I am hugely thankful to My Village that has been there for me throughout this journey, their arms held out to catch me when I've been about to fall, to support me, to advise me, to remind me of what I knew to be true but which at times I seemed to forget, to let me know that I was loved, to help me get past my fears of the unknown, and to help me celebrate and enjoy the new happinesses and joys in my new life. It seems that every day I call on them for one thing or another, and they are always there. They know who they are.
Elson has been out of prison for almost two months now and I have not heard one word from him. This was kind of a shock for me. I had not expected this. However, I am learning to accept it and to move on. It is after all for the best. It just seems so strange and cold, after 31 years together. But it is what it is. The only Lui's I have any contact with anymore are Brenda (who is a quasi Lui, or an ex-Lui), Linda Lui (another ex-Lui -- hmm, is there a pattern here?), Charlton, Janet and Kent, Kimberly, and Cameron and Devon. It is not what I expected or hoped, and it is at times still hard for me to digest. However, I have wonderful grandchildren who hopefully still think of me as their grandma.
It has given me cause for thought however. I have been searching for a family to be a part of ever since my father died. My sister has too. We never really felt part of a family growing up (that's another story and for another blog). We both found ourselves watching tv programs like Eight Is Enough and Family, yearning for something like that. We never had it with each other. We've always been estranged until recently. When I was with Trish over the weekend, she showed me an autograph book she had from when she'd left grammar school. There were comments in it not only from her friends and classmates, but also from each of our parents - but nothing from me. Even back then we weren't close; we weren't even friendly. I would embrace and become "adopted" by the families of all the boys I dated. I even adopted France as my home country and wanted to live there forever. And then I met Elson and I felt like I could stop searching.
Why am I going into all this now? Because I think for the first time I'm beginning to not only understand the meaning of family, but I am also truly experiencing it. I am experiencing it with Trish. She commented that she was happy and touched that I had chosen to spend Thanksgiving with her and Stan when I could have stayed home and spent it with Carla and Liza, which would have been so much easier for me since I had only to cross the street. My response to her was that of course I would spend it with her - she's my FAMILY.
I have two other families. I have my family consisting of My Village and other close friends. They see me as I am, love me as I am, have been with me through it all,and I know we'll be friends forever. There will be no sudden cutting me out of their lives.
My other family is here with Carla and the friends I've made through her, particularly Liza. I truly do feel like I'm part of a family with them. I haven't had this with friends since the old days in San Francisco, pre-Elson, with Kate, Larry, Richard and Rick and Dick and Dan. We had a wonderful family then, and we're all still close, except for Larry and Dick who passed away and Dan who retreated after Dick died.
N.B. I just heard from my French cousin Martine in Paris who had read my blog and she wrote to me "Don't forget that you have family who think of you in France and who love and admire you". How could I have forgotten them? It has been a love affair between us (Martine and her husband Jean-Christophe and their children and Martine's parents Francoise and Jacques - Francoise is my father's cousin). So I have four families! How rich can one be?
So I have a lot to be thankful for. One door closes and another one opens. Even though I'm still hurt by what has happened, I can smile through my tears as I consider my new life.
Other random news bits: my wonderful Aunt Anita Schaeffer has died. Many people remember her as the one who became like a mother to me after my parents died (along with my uncle Howie, who has been struggling with his health for years). Her passing leaves a large hole in my heart. I never really felt like an "orphan" because I always knew they were there for me. I owe them so much. I couldn't fly back to Florida for the funeral, but I did keep in close touch with my cousin Joanie.
That additional bookkeeping job didn't pan out - he never returned my calls. Trish keeps reminding me of how well everything has worked out so far and to just keep trusting that it will continue to work out. I'm letting everyone know that I'm looking.
My health is about the same, except for a nasty fall I took at work where I tripped on a loose rug and bruised my ribs. I've never had bruised ribs before and now I can empathize with people. It takes a long time to heal.
The holidays are fast approaching. This will be my second holiday season in my new home and my new life. I was slightly apprehensive last year, wondering how I would spend it. I'm not worried this year. I know whatever I do, I will be with people whom I love and who love me. And I think that is a good note on which to end this posting.
Elson has been out of prison for almost two months now and I have not heard one word from him. This was kind of a shock for me. I had not expected this. However, I am learning to accept it and to move on. It is after all for the best. It just seems so strange and cold, after 31 years together. But it is what it is. The only Lui's I have any contact with anymore are Brenda (who is a quasi Lui, or an ex-Lui), Linda Lui (another ex-Lui -- hmm, is there a pattern here?), Charlton, Janet and Kent, Kimberly, and Cameron and Devon. It is not what I expected or hoped, and it is at times still hard for me to digest. However, I have wonderful grandchildren who hopefully still think of me as their grandma.
It has given me cause for thought however. I have been searching for a family to be a part of ever since my father died. My sister has too. We never really felt part of a family growing up (that's another story and for another blog). We both found ourselves watching tv programs like Eight Is Enough and Family, yearning for something like that. We never had it with each other. We've always been estranged until recently. When I was with Trish over the weekend, she showed me an autograph book she had from when she'd left grammar school. There were comments in it not only from her friends and classmates, but also from each of our parents - but nothing from me. Even back then we weren't close; we weren't even friendly. I would embrace and become "adopted" by the families of all the boys I dated. I even adopted France as my home country and wanted to live there forever. And then I met Elson and I felt like I could stop searching.
Why am I going into all this now? Because I think for the first time I'm beginning to not only understand the meaning of family, but I am also truly experiencing it. I am experiencing it with Trish. She commented that she was happy and touched that I had chosen to spend Thanksgiving with her and Stan when I could have stayed home and spent it with Carla and Liza, which would have been so much easier for me since I had only to cross the street. My response to her was that of course I would spend it with her - she's my FAMILY.
I have two other families. I have my family consisting of My Village and other close friends. They see me as I am, love me as I am, have been with me through it all,and I know we'll be friends forever. There will be no sudden cutting me out of their lives.
My other family is here with Carla and the friends I've made through her, particularly Liza. I truly do feel like I'm part of a family with them. I haven't had this with friends since the old days in San Francisco, pre-Elson, with Kate, Larry, Richard and Rick and Dick and Dan. We had a wonderful family then, and we're all still close, except for Larry and Dick who passed away and Dan who retreated after Dick died.
N.B. I just heard from my French cousin Martine in Paris who had read my blog and she wrote to me "Don't forget that you have family who think of you in France and who love and admire you". How could I have forgotten them? It has been a love affair between us (Martine and her husband Jean-Christophe and their children and Martine's parents Francoise and Jacques - Francoise is my father's cousin). So I have four families! How rich can one be?
So I have a lot to be thankful for. One door closes and another one opens. Even though I'm still hurt by what has happened, I can smile through my tears as I consider my new life.
Other random news bits: my wonderful Aunt Anita Schaeffer has died. Many people remember her as the one who became like a mother to me after my parents died (along with my uncle Howie, who has been struggling with his health for years). Her passing leaves a large hole in my heart. I never really felt like an "orphan" because I always knew they were there for me. I owe them so much. I couldn't fly back to Florida for the funeral, but I did keep in close touch with my cousin Joanie.
That additional bookkeeping job didn't pan out - he never returned my calls. Trish keeps reminding me of how well everything has worked out so far and to just keep trusting that it will continue to work out. I'm letting everyone know that I'm looking.
My health is about the same, except for a nasty fall I took at work where I tripped on a loose rug and bruised my ribs. I've never had bruised ribs before and now I can empathize with people. It takes a long time to heal.
The holidays are fast approaching. This will be my second holiday season in my new home and my new life. I was slightly apprehensive last year, wondering how I would spend it. I'm not worried this year. I know whatever I do, I will be with people whom I love and who love me. And I think that is a good note on which to end this posting.
Monday, October 12, 2009
New Chapter
A new chapter has begun in both of our lives - in mine and in Elson's. He got out Friday - freedom finally,fresh air, Chinese food, people to talk to, large screen tv,comfortable shoes, a real bed, privacy - all things we take for granted and all things he hasn't had since January 16, 2008. Our wonderful son-in-law Kent drove down from Sacramento, only to do a u-turn to take Elson back up to Sacramento for the flight to Seattle. Deja and her significant other drove from San Jose to be there at Atwater for Elson's release, and also drove up to Sacramento in their car for the flight to Seattle. There was a family reunion (all 3 kids with Kent representing Janet), two of the grandkids. Elson is now ensconced at Charlton's and comfortably settled in, from what I hear. I'm happy for him. I think it's the best scenario of all scenarios that could have taken place, and everyone agrees with me. He will have surgery for his hernia, which has gotten quite large, in the next month, as well as surgery for his cataracts. Finally - good medical care. And lots of Chinese food. Let's keep our priorities straight, after all.
And life goes on for me. I wasn't sure how I would feel over this weekend, but I got through it ok. It's a bit strange to have him be out, and for us not to be together, but I know it's what's best for both of us. I'm lucky in that by the time it happened, I'd already settled into my new life. I spent a quiet weekend, resting, doing things with Carla, reading, watching tv, communing with my couch.
I've had a referral for a new part-time position as a bookkeeper for a local small company located in the town next to Redwood City. I've left him a voicemail message, but haven't heard back yet. I hope to hear soon. If that doesn't work out, I'll start putting the word out seriously and also look on Craigs List. I've been hit with some serious capital gains taxes, so I need to start supplementing my current income Pronto.
I don't think I've mentioned the wonderful gift from PG&E that Carla and I received a couple of months ago. Someone from their CARE program came out and inspected the premises and interviewed us, the result of which is that they replaced the 35 year old non-defrosting refrigerator up here with a brand new one from Sears. It's gorgeous and bright and has a large, sparkling freezer that is frost free. It's such a treat to put things in it and know that they'll be edible and not covered with bits of snow when I take them out, not to mention not having to defrost it every few weeks. They also winterized Carla's doors and windows, plugging up any leaks, did something with the insulation in the attic, and did something with the furnace. I don't know what they did exactly, but now when Carla turns the heat on, my apartment gets nice and toasty almost immediately. It's lovely. Just in time for our early winter. And to cap it all off, they replaced one of my torchiere lamps with a safer one that exactly matches my other one. How lucky can one be.
There's exciting news regarding the class I'm taking at the Y. Today I lifted the equivalent of 10,850 pounds! When I first started the class, I was lifting the equivalent of 2,450. It's been increasing every time as I both increase the repititions I do and also increase the weight, and I can feel the difference in my legs. I'm Super Woman!
And life goes on for me. I wasn't sure how I would feel over this weekend, but I got through it ok. It's a bit strange to have him be out, and for us not to be together, but I know it's what's best for both of us. I'm lucky in that by the time it happened, I'd already settled into my new life. I spent a quiet weekend, resting, doing things with Carla, reading, watching tv, communing with my couch.
I've had a referral for a new part-time position as a bookkeeper for a local small company located in the town next to Redwood City. I've left him a voicemail message, but haven't heard back yet. I hope to hear soon. If that doesn't work out, I'll start putting the word out seriously and also look on Craigs List. I've been hit with some serious capital gains taxes, so I need to start supplementing my current income Pronto.
I don't think I've mentioned the wonderful gift from PG&E that Carla and I received a couple of months ago. Someone from their CARE program came out and inspected the premises and interviewed us, the result of which is that they replaced the 35 year old non-defrosting refrigerator up here with a brand new one from Sears. It's gorgeous and bright and has a large, sparkling freezer that is frost free. It's such a treat to put things in it and know that they'll be edible and not covered with bits of snow when I take them out, not to mention not having to defrost it every few weeks. They also winterized Carla's doors and windows, plugging up any leaks, did something with the insulation in the attic, and did something with the furnace. I don't know what they did exactly, but now when Carla turns the heat on, my apartment gets nice and toasty almost immediately. It's lovely. Just in time for our early winter. And to cap it all off, they replaced one of my torchiere lamps with a safer one that exactly matches my other one. How lucky can one be.
There's exciting news regarding the class I'm taking at the Y. Today I lifted the equivalent of 10,850 pounds! When I first started the class, I was lifting the equivalent of 2,450. It's been increasing every time as I both increase the repititions I do and also increase the weight, and I can feel the difference in my legs. I'm Super Woman!
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Another Milestone
It's been over 5 months since I last posted and a lot has happened since then. The milestone referred to in the title is that I finally filed the petition for the divorce and served the papers to Elson in prison. He'd opted not to get early release to a halfway house in July and so is getting out on his official release date, October 9, less than a week from now. It's been a very rough one and a half years for him - I can't imagine what it's been like - and I'm happy for him that he's finally getting out. We still talk once a week and it's friendly and civil. The good part about having delayed for so long getting this done is that it's given him time to accept it and get used to the idea. He received the papers on Sept 23rd and immediately sent me back the required Acknowledgment of Receipt form which I then filed with the court along with the Proof of Service of Summons. After 30 days (10/23) the 6 month clock starts ticking, after which the divorce becomes final. Hopefully all goes smoothly as planned.
Another major new development is that immediately upon his release this Friday Elson is getting on a plane, along with Deja and our son-in-law Kent and flying to Seattle where he will then live with Charlton. After several months with Charlton, he will hopefully have found an apartment nearby that will accept him. This is the best arrangement for both of us. It's going to be a hard adjustment to be living apart once he's out of prison and it will make it easier if he's out of the area. He'll also be near not only Charlton but also Brenda and the two boys. It's the best of the best scenarios.
As for me, I love my new life. The bookkeeping job at the nonprofit has become permanent. I work 3 days a week, from 10-10:30 to anywhere between 5 and 7 PM. I'm usually pretty exhausted by the time I get home, so I don't do much during the week. I spend most of my weekends with Carla and Liza, who have become very close friends. I used to see Trish every two weeks, but it's gotten much less frequent due to my work schedule and her love life. She's in the process of moving in with her boyfriend and spends every weekend with him getting his house ready for her. She's coming here this Tuesday for two nights though (first time here in a long time) and we're both looking forward to that. I still plan to look for additional bookkeeping work locally that wouldn't involve a commute, but haven't had the energy to do that yet. My current job doesn't cover my monthly expenses so I will have to get cracking on that in the new year. I'm not doing loans anymore. It's become too difficult due to the new regulations (resulting from a panicked government that seems to be blaming mortgage brokers for the financial crisis) and I also don't have the energy. I spend a huge portion of my free time crashed on my lovely new couch (purchased from the former tenant).
Another big change in my life involves my exercise program. After 20 years, I have stopped taking the exercise class at the local college. It was a hard decision because I'd made a lot of friends there who had become almost like family, but I couldn't go on the days I worked and I didn't have the energy to go on the days I didn't work. HOWEVER, there is a happy ending to this story. Carla and I have joined the local YMCA which is less than 2 miles from our home. The best thing about the "Y" is that I can go anytime up until 10 PM during the week and 5 or 6 on the weekends. With the other class, if I couldn't get up in time for the 7:45 AM class during the week, then that was it. I usually go the "Y" after work on Fridays, and on either Saturday or Sunday. The other two times I go are on Monday and Wednesday, the two days I don't work. Now here's where it gets really interesting. This is another example of how the Universe has been providing for and looking out for me. Carla and I visited the "Y" for the first time end of July, and the woman giving us the tour told us about a 3-month free class called Live Strong Live Well, sponsored by Stanford University, available for cancer patients and cancer survivors, that would be starting up again on August 24th - just in time for us! The class is not only free, but there are no monthly membership fees for the "Y" during those 3 months. Carla and I also applied for financial assistance with the membership and we both got it - the sign-up fee was waived and our monthly fee, when we do pay it, will only be $25.50 instead of $70. What a deal! The class has been great. There are two personal trainers working with us (there are 12 people in the class)and they've set us up on a series of weight bearing machines. I'm using only 11 of the 14 machines because of my shoulder issues. The machines are all computerized so that when we enter our unique code at each machine, a screen shows us our personal settings so we don't have to remember them. Not only that, but when we log out at the mother ship, it tells us the equivalent of how many pounds we've lifted in that session and to date. When I started a month ago, little weakling that I was, I was lifting the equivalent of 2450 pounds in a session. When I went this past Friday evening, I lifted the equivalent of 7950 pounds. Progress! I've gradually been increasing the weight I'm lifting at each machine plus the number of repititions that I do. I can feel the difference in my legs - they're definitely getting stronger, as are my arms. Carla and I were up in Sonoma County a couple of weekends ago visiting her daughter who'd invited us for the weekend and for the Blues Festival and on Saturday I walked over an hour without my legs giving out. That's the longest I've walked for a long time - usually my legs would give out after only 20 minutes.
However, my legs do still get weak after certain exertions, like vacuuming or running errands. My hands are gradually losing strength making it difficult to write or eat. I try to remember to squeeze a rubber ball while watching tv to help strengthen them. I have to pace myself and not plan too many activities too many days in a row. So some things are getting better because of the class and some things are still the same.
In addition to the machines, we spend around 15 minutes at the end of each class being shown certain breathing exercises or flexibility or balance exercises. It's a great class and I feel so lucky to be part of it. I'm also taking advantage of all the free classes available at the "Y". I've taken several Tai Chi classes, a beginner's Pilates class, and even a spinning class (I didn't do very well, couldn't stand up on the bike, and had to leave after a half hour - but at least I tried it!). Joining the "Y" is one of the best things I've ever done, and I keep pinching myself that it's so close to home. The people in the class have bonded and some of us are talking of getting together socially outside of class. Everyone is very upbeat and positive, no matter what the stage of their cancer is.
Speaking of cancer, Carla has now finished her several months of chemotherapy, and the bone marrow test and MRI done last week showed positive results. They are recommending she do a bone marrow transplant, though, and she is looking into that, although she's not very receptive to the idea (I don't blame her).
I still am totally in love with my apartment. Sometimes I just sit on the couch and look around me and feel so happy. On August 8th I celebrated my one year anniversary here with Carla and Liza, Liza's husband Frank and Edwin. Liza made cockles she'd gotten at Costco, they brought champagne, I also provided champage plus cheese and pate and crackers. We toasted my happy arrival here and to many more happy years. It's hard for me to remember how I felt a year and a half ago - the panic, despair, fear, the wracking sobs in the middle of the night, the hopelessness - they're just words now. Trish kept telling me to have faith, that everything would work out, that I didn't have to figure it all out and picture it at that moment, and she was right. Now when I think about the fact that I need to earn more money and find additional work, I'm not trying to figure out how it will happen, I'm just knowing that it will.
Elson gets out this Friday and thus we will both enter an entirely new chapter of our life together. We first met 32 years ago this Thursday, and October 21st would have been our 31st anniversary. That's a long time, some of it very good, some of it very bad. We will always be connected in some way. That is not necessarily a bad thing, not if I remain strong and secure in who I am. I feel confident that I will. I'm very comfortable with who I am now. When I was a young girl, I couldn't accept that anyone could not like me. I found out this girl in my class didn't like me and it bothered me to no end, kept me up nights, even though I didn't particularly like her! Well, Arlene and Wayne no longer speak to me, Deja doesn't speak to me, Charlton's new girlfriend doesn't seem particularly crazy about me......and it's all ok. I don't focus on the negative anymore - as the song goes, I accentuate the positive.
I just reread this post, and I see that I use the word "energy" a lot. That's my biggest problem resulting from the MS - lack of energy, or the impact on my energy leve. I'm hoping the class will help with this too.
Speaking of energy, I think this is more than enough for one post!
Another major new development is that immediately upon his release this Friday Elson is getting on a plane, along with Deja and our son-in-law Kent and flying to Seattle where he will then live with Charlton. After several months with Charlton, he will hopefully have found an apartment nearby that will accept him. This is the best arrangement for both of us. It's going to be a hard adjustment to be living apart once he's out of prison and it will make it easier if he's out of the area. He'll also be near not only Charlton but also Brenda and the two boys. It's the best of the best scenarios.
As for me, I love my new life. The bookkeeping job at the nonprofit has become permanent. I work 3 days a week, from 10-10:30 to anywhere between 5 and 7 PM. I'm usually pretty exhausted by the time I get home, so I don't do much during the week. I spend most of my weekends with Carla and Liza, who have become very close friends. I used to see Trish every two weeks, but it's gotten much less frequent due to my work schedule and her love life. She's in the process of moving in with her boyfriend and spends every weekend with him getting his house ready for her. She's coming here this Tuesday for two nights though (first time here in a long time) and we're both looking forward to that. I still plan to look for additional bookkeeping work locally that wouldn't involve a commute, but haven't had the energy to do that yet. My current job doesn't cover my monthly expenses so I will have to get cracking on that in the new year. I'm not doing loans anymore. It's become too difficult due to the new regulations (resulting from a panicked government that seems to be blaming mortgage brokers for the financial crisis) and I also don't have the energy. I spend a huge portion of my free time crashed on my lovely new couch (purchased from the former tenant).
Another big change in my life involves my exercise program. After 20 years, I have stopped taking the exercise class at the local college. It was a hard decision because I'd made a lot of friends there who had become almost like family, but I couldn't go on the days I worked and I didn't have the energy to go on the days I didn't work. HOWEVER, there is a happy ending to this story. Carla and I have joined the local YMCA which is less than 2 miles from our home. The best thing about the "Y" is that I can go anytime up until 10 PM during the week and 5 or 6 on the weekends. With the other class, if I couldn't get up in time for the 7:45 AM class during the week, then that was it. I usually go the "Y" after work on Fridays, and on either Saturday or Sunday. The other two times I go are on Monday and Wednesday, the two days I don't work. Now here's where it gets really interesting. This is another example of how the Universe has been providing for and looking out for me. Carla and I visited the "Y" for the first time end of July, and the woman giving us the tour told us about a 3-month free class called Live Strong Live Well, sponsored by Stanford University, available for cancer patients and cancer survivors, that would be starting up again on August 24th - just in time for us! The class is not only free, but there are no monthly membership fees for the "Y" during those 3 months. Carla and I also applied for financial assistance with the membership and we both got it - the sign-up fee was waived and our monthly fee, when we do pay it, will only be $25.50 instead of $70. What a deal! The class has been great. There are two personal trainers working with us (there are 12 people in the class)and they've set us up on a series of weight bearing machines. I'm using only 11 of the 14 machines because of my shoulder issues. The machines are all computerized so that when we enter our unique code at each machine, a screen shows us our personal settings so we don't have to remember them. Not only that, but when we log out at the mother ship, it tells us the equivalent of how many pounds we've lifted in that session and to date. When I started a month ago, little weakling that I was, I was lifting the equivalent of 2450 pounds in a session. When I went this past Friday evening, I lifted the equivalent of 7950 pounds. Progress! I've gradually been increasing the weight I'm lifting at each machine plus the number of repititions that I do. I can feel the difference in my legs - they're definitely getting stronger, as are my arms. Carla and I were up in Sonoma County a couple of weekends ago visiting her daughter who'd invited us for the weekend and for the Blues Festival and on Saturday I walked over an hour without my legs giving out. That's the longest I've walked for a long time - usually my legs would give out after only 20 minutes.
However, my legs do still get weak after certain exertions, like vacuuming or running errands. My hands are gradually losing strength making it difficult to write or eat. I try to remember to squeeze a rubber ball while watching tv to help strengthen them. I have to pace myself and not plan too many activities too many days in a row. So some things are getting better because of the class and some things are still the same.
In addition to the machines, we spend around 15 minutes at the end of each class being shown certain breathing exercises or flexibility or balance exercises. It's a great class and I feel so lucky to be part of it. I'm also taking advantage of all the free classes available at the "Y". I've taken several Tai Chi classes, a beginner's Pilates class, and even a spinning class (I didn't do very well, couldn't stand up on the bike, and had to leave after a half hour - but at least I tried it!). Joining the "Y" is one of the best things I've ever done, and I keep pinching myself that it's so close to home. The people in the class have bonded and some of us are talking of getting together socially outside of class. Everyone is very upbeat and positive, no matter what the stage of their cancer is.
Speaking of cancer, Carla has now finished her several months of chemotherapy, and the bone marrow test and MRI done last week showed positive results. They are recommending she do a bone marrow transplant, though, and she is looking into that, although she's not very receptive to the idea (I don't blame her).
I still am totally in love with my apartment. Sometimes I just sit on the couch and look around me and feel so happy. On August 8th I celebrated my one year anniversary here with Carla and Liza, Liza's husband Frank and Edwin. Liza made cockles she'd gotten at Costco, they brought champagne, I also provided champage plus cheese and pate and crackers. We toasted my happy arrival here and to many more happy years. It's hard for me to remember how I felt a year and a half ago - the panic, despair, fear, the wracking sobs in the middle of the night, the hopelessness - they're just words now. Trish kept telling me to have faith, that everything would work out, that I didn't have to figure it all out and picture it at that moment, and she was right. Now when I think about the fact that I need to earn more money and find additional work, I'm not trying to figure out how it will happen, I'm just knowing that it will.
Elson gets out this Friday and thus we will both enter an entirely new chapter of our life together. We first met 32 years ago this Thursday, and October 21st would have been our 31st anniversary. That's a long time, some of it very good, some of it very bad. We will always be connected in some way. That is not necessarily a bad thing, not if I remain strong and secure in who I am. I feel confident that I will. I'm very comfortable with who I am now. When I was a young girl, I couldn't accept that anyone could not like me. I found out this girl in my class didn't like me and it bothered me to no end, kept me up nights, even though I didn't particularly like her! Well, Arlene and Wayne no longer speak to me, Deja doesn't speak to me, Charlton's new girlfriend doesn't seem particularly crazy about me......and it's all ok. I don't focus on the negative anymore - as the song goes, I accentuate the positive.
I just reread this post, and I see that I use the word "energy" a lot. That's my biggest problem resulting from the MS - lack of energy, or the impact on my energy leve. I'm hoping the class will help with this too.
Speaking of energy, I think this is more than enough for one post!
Saturday, April 25, 2009
I Got A Job!
I can't believe it's been 2 months since I last posted on this blog. It's been a very full 2 months though. I'll start with the exciting news that I have a new job. And it happened just as I said it would - it just fell into place without my doing anything. I did apply for several jobs online (tutoring, editing, etc.) but never heard anything back. I also had a free consultation through the Redwood City library on updating my resume. In the meantime, I continued doing mortgages (I've closed two now and am working on two more) and started working part-time for Carla's friend Edwin who has an estate sale company. Carla and her whole group of friends work for and with Edwin (some get paid, some just volunteer because they don't need the money) and I kept hearing about the great times they had and the wonderful finds they would bring home for either nothing or next to nothing. Carla would even bring me things that she thought I would like. Then Carla had surgery on her right hand beginning of February and couldn't work at the sale Edwin had that month. I offered to help out in her place, which I did, and I loved it and was happily surprised and thrilled when I even got paid for it. I brought a whole bag of things home with me, and even sold my fur coats that the estate sale company I had used had not been able to sell. I liked working there, and they liked having me work there, and so I have been added to the group. I'm at the bottom of the list and so only get to work when someone else can't make it, but that's ok. I've worked at one other sale (last weekend) and also sporadically in between sales helping pack up and unpack boxes.
The JOB, though, is something entirely different. A friend of Liza's (Liza lives across the street, is Carla's closest friend and hosts the Poker Night parties once a month) is the executive director of a non-profit agency that helps abused and neglected children. Her name is Vickie and the agency is called Child Advocates of Silicon Valley (www.BeMyAdvocate.org). Their bookkeeper suddenly quit two weeks ago and Vickie was desperately searching for a replacement and Liza recommended she call me. I started there a week ago Friday. The only negative is that it involves a commute - it's 22 miles away in Silicon Valley and I have to take the horrible 101 Freeway to get there. But I get to pick my hours, so I've been going in around 10-10:30 and leaving at either 3:30 or 6:30, so I avoid the busy commute times. Even if I did travel during the rush hours, I would be able to drive in the commuter lane because I have a Prius. I'm working part-time, about 3 days a week, and I love it. It's a bit challenging, because I only got to spend 4 hours with the person I'm replacing before she left. It's a little bit of hit or miss. But I like the people, and I've always liked bookkeeping, and I like having a job and going into an office. It's funny, because this is exactly what I was doing 32 years ago when I met Elson. I'd quit my corporate job and had my own freelance bookkeeping company with several small businesses as clients. I hope to eventually add some more clients that are located closer to home. I don't know whether this will be a permanent position. Vickie was very open with me that they might end up outsourcing it. I'm just enjoying it while I have it, and it's serving the great purpose of allowing me to refresh myself in this field plus learn to use the software that everyone seems to be using these days. It was all done manually 32 years ago.
So, my life consists of the job in Milpitas, working on loans, working estate sales, exercising when I can, seeing friends, seeing Trish and spending time with Carla. We became really close when she had her operation. I spent a lot of time with her, helping her, doing things for her, etc. She had just started to recover the use of her hand and to become active again when she started experiencing debilitating pain in her back and legs. I'm not going to go through the whole story, because it's a long one and very upsetting, but the upshot is that her doctors were wrong when they told her it was not related to her cancer (she'd been in remission from multiple myeloma) and that it was sciatica. She wasted two months going from doctor to doctor and trying all kinds of pain medications. She finally had an MRI 10 days ago that isolated a tumor and they rushed her into a 10 day treatment of radiation. They knew they had blown it. We got copies of the CT scan and bone survey she'd had done in December and it mentioned the probable connection to her cancer on both of them. Her last radiation treatment was on Thursday. I accompanied her to the appointment, spoke with her doctor, and then took her out for a celebratory lunch. She leaves on Wednesday for England to attend a wedding and spend two weeks vacation. She certainly deserves it.
I know everyone wants to know what's happening with the divorce. Well, Trish accompanied me to a free workshop in Redwood City on doing your own divorce and I left with the paperwork partially filled in. I'm working on finishing it now. Elson has chosen not to accept early release to a halfway house because he heard how horrible they are, and is now applying for early release in July to home detention. A law was passed in February of this year authorizing early release to homes for prisoners of non-violent crimes once they've served 75% of their sentences (that would be July 15 for Elson). Hopefully they will accept an apartment near Deja as a suitable home for this. I speak to Elson about once a week. He has accepted the divorce, takes full responsibility for what went wrong in our marriage, and we have very civil conversations. I still care about him, always will and want nothing but the best for him. I know it's going to be very difficult for him once he gets out. I know it's not my problem (as everyone keeps telling me) but that doesn't mean I'm not concerned. I'm glad that his kids have been so supportive and will be there for him when he gets out. Deja visits him once a month and has brought Roxy (age 19)twice, Charlton visits as often as he can and has brought the boys (ages 10 and 15) a couple of times, and Kent has visited from Sacramento several times with Kristopher (age 14).
I still love my apartment. I finally unpacked all the CDs and not only did they fit on the racks that I brought, but there's room for more! I play my music often - sometimes on the PC, sometimes on the iPod on the special mp3 speakers I brought with me, sometimes on the CD player, and sometimes I just listen on my headphones to the iPod or my cell phone. Music is still a very important part of my life. The garden is starting to bloom again and the wisteria is starting to grow back on my balcony. Carla has given me several gorgeous bouquets of flowers from the garden to put in my apartment. I've started to cook again, beginning with Larry Negri's recipe for Dijon chicken. It was delicious. I made it for Trish one time when she stayed with me. I'm looking forward to working my way through Larry's recipes.
The MS is about the same as the last time I wrote. My legs get tired after I walk around 20 minutes, so I can't do too many errands at one time. I still haven't gone back to the way I was before the infamous hot tub incident, but I'm not as bad I was the two months after it.
That's about it. Life is good. I don't stress about things anymore, I go with the flow as they say, and let things happen. And they do. In a good way.
The JOB, though, is something entirely different. A friend of Liza's (Liza lives across the street, is Carla's closest friend and hosts the Poker Night parties once a month) is the executive director of a non-profit agency that helps abused and neglected children. Her name is Vickie and the agency is called Child Advocates of Silicon Valley (www.BeMyAdvocate.org). Their bookkeeper suddenly quit two weeks ago and Vickie was desperately searching for a replacement and Liza recommended she call me. I started there a week ago Friday. The only negative is that it involves a commute - it's 22 miles away in Silicon Valley and I have to take the horrible 101 Freeway to get there. But I get to pick my hours, so I've been going in around 10-10:30 and leaving at either 3:30 or 6:30, so I avoid the busy commute times. Even if I did travel during the rush hours, I would be able to drive in the commuter lane because I have a Prius. I'm working part-time, about 3 days a week, and I love it. It's a bit challenging, because I only got to spend 4 hours with the person I'm replacing before she left. It's a little bit of hit or miss. But I like the people, and I've always liked bookkeeping, and I like having a job and going into an office. It's funny, because this is exactly what I was doing 32 years ago when I met Elson. I'd quit my corporate job and had my own freelance bookkeeping company with several small businesses as clients. I hope to eventually add some more clients that are located closer to home. I don't know whether this will be a permanent position. Vickie was very open with me that they might end up outsourcing it. I'm just enjoying it while I have it, and it's serving the great purpose of allowing me to refresh myself in this field plus learn to use the software that everyone seems to be using these days. It was all done manually 32 years ago.
So, my life consists of the job in Milpitas, working on loans, working estate sales, exercising when I can, seeing friends, seeing Trish and spending time with Carla. We became really close when she had her operation. I spent a lot of time with her, helping her, doing things for her, etc. She had just started to recover the use of her hand and to become active again when she started experiencing debilitating pain in her back and legs. I'm not going to go through the whole story, because it's a long one and very upsetting, but the upshot is that her doctors were wrong when they told her it was not related to her cancer (she'd been in remission from multiple myeloma) and that it was sciatica. She wasted two months going from doctor to doctor and trying all kinds of pain medications. She finally had an MRI 10 days ago that isolated a tumor and they rushed her into a 10 day treatment of radiation. They knew they had blown it. We got copies of the CT scan and bone survey she'd had done in December and it mentioned the probable connection to her cancer on both of them. Her last radiation treatment was on Thursday. I accompanied her to the appointment, spoke with her doctor, and then took her out for a celebratory lunch. She leaves on Wednesday for England to attend a wedding and spend two weeks vacation. She certainly deserves it.
I know everyone wants to know what's happening with the divorce. Well, Trish accompanied me to a free workshop in Redwood City on doing your own divorce and I left with the paperwork partially filled in. I'm working on finishing it now. Elson has chosen not to accept early release to a halfway house because he heard how horrible they are, and is now applying for early release in July to home detention. A law was passed in February of this year authorizing early release to homes for prisoners of non-violent crimes once they've served 75% of their sentences (that would be July 15 for Elson). Hopefully they will accept an apartment near Deja as a suitable home for this. I speak to Elson about once a week. He has accepted the divorce, takes full responsibility for what went wrong in our marriage, and we have very civil conversations. I still care about him, always will and want nothing but the best for him. I know it's going to be very difficult for him once he gets out. I know it's not my problem (as everyone keeps telling me) but that doesn't mean I'm not concerned. I'm glad that his kids have been so supportive and will be there for him when he gets out. Deja visits him once a month and has brought Roxy (age 19)twice, Charlton visits as often as he can and has brought the boys (ages 10 and 15) a couple of times, and Kent has visited from Sacramento several times with Kristopher (age 14).
I still love my apartment. I finally unpacked all the CDs and not only did they fit on the racks that I brought, but there's room for more! I play my music often - sometimes on the PC, sometimes on the iPod on the special mp3 speakers I brought with me, sometimes on the CD player, and sometimes I just listen on my headphones to the iPod or my cell phone. Music is still a very important part of my life. The garden is starting to bloom again and the wisteria is starting to grow back on my balcony. Carla has given me several gorgeous bouquets of flowers from the garden to put in my apartment. I've started to cook again, beginning with Larry Negri's recipe for Dijon chicken. It was delicious. I made it for Trish one time when she stayed with me. I'm looking forward to working my way through Larry's recipes.
The MS is about the same as the last time I wrote. My legs get tired after I walk around 20 minutes, so I can't do too many errands at one time. I still haven't gone back to the way I was before the infamous hot tub incident, but I'm not as bad I was the two months after it.
That's about it. Life is good. I don't stress about things anymore, I go with the flow as they say, and let things happen. And they do. In a good way.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
A New Year
This will be my first birthday in my new home and in my new life. I turn 64 next week - a sobering thought. Not exactly the ideal age for starting all over. I feel like I'm finally doing what I should have done when I graduated college. At that time, in 1967, I dashed off to Paris and began what turned out to be 42 years of living a day-to-day existence, never worrying about the future, assuming that my life would continue to be this exciting, wondrous adventure. And here I am, having faced the crossroads and having chosen a new, unknown path. Starting all over. Who would have guessed.
I have no idea what lies ahead of me. Will I continue doing mortgage loans? It's a very difficult time to be in this business. Real estate values have come crashing down, leaving homeowners with not enough equity in their homes to be able to refinance. Interest rates have started to climb back up. Wholesale lenders (which are the kind of lenders I use) are getting out of the wholesale business. Second lien lenders (ie home equity lines of credit) are imposing impossible requirements for resubordinating the lines, hoping the borrowers will just pay them off instead of keeping them. Except that again, back to the original problem, there is not enough equity in the home to do that. I did close one small loan, but all the others are in limbo. So what else can I do to earn income? I should rephrase that, because I can do lots of things, but what will I be able to do? What kind of employment can I find in the present environment where I can work out of the home, utilize my various skills, be employable at my age, earn enough to cover my monthly expenses and provide a little for the uncertain future and uncertain health requirements, not be bored, feel fulfilled? I try to do visualizations and I draw a blank. My sister keeps assuring me that everything will fall into place, just as it has with finding the carriage house and Carla, and getting out of my former house and divesting myself of all that was in it. A year ago at this time I was in the pit of that "black hole", not seeing any way out of it, not seeing any possible future for myself. I couldn't imagine myself finding an apartment that I would like, furnishing it, making new friends. And yet I did. So hopefully not being able to imagine my new career does not mean that I will not find one.
I'm very reflective today. I guess that's what impending birthdays do. I'm not planning any celebrations. I don't want one and it doesn't feel right. Not yet. I'm still in a kind of limbo with many goals still unaccomplished - filing for divorce, finding employment, figuring out my place in the Lui family which had been my family for 30 years. Next year at this time all of that should be behind me and I will be turning 65 - an appropriate time for a celebration. I think I'll just skip this birthday.
I have no idea what lies ahead of me. Will I continue doing mortgage loans? It's a very difficult time to be in this business. Real estate values have come crashing down, leaving homeowners with not enough equity in their homes to be able to refinance. Interest rates have started to climb back up. Wholesale lenders (which are the kind of lenders I use) are getting out of the wholesale business. Second lien lenders (ie home equity lines of credit) are imposing impossible requirements for resubordinating the lines, hoping the borrowers will just pay them off instead of keeping them. Except that again, back to the original problem, there is not enough equity in the home to do that. I did close one small loan, but all the others are in limbo. So what else can I do to earn income? I should rephrase that, because I can do lots of things, but what will I be able to do? What kind of employment can I find in the present environment where I can work out of the home, utilize my various skills, be employable at my age, earn enough to cover my monthly expenses and provide a little for the uncertain future and uncertain health requirements, not be bored, feel fulfilled? I try to do visualizations and I draw a blank. My sister keeps assuring me that everything will fall into place, just as it has with finding the carriage house and Carla, and getting out of my former house and divesting myself of all that was in it. A year ago at this time I was in the pit of that "black hole", not seeing any way out of it, not seeing any possible future for myself. I couldn't imagine myself finding an apartment that I would like, furnishing it, making new friends. And yet I did. So hopefully not being able to imagine my new career does not mean that I will not find one.
I'm very reflective today. I guess that's what impending birthdays do. I'm not planning any celebrations. I don't want one and it doesn't feel right. Not yet. I'm still in a kind of limbo with many goals still unaccomplished - filing for divorce, finding employment, figuring out my place in the Lui family which had been my family for 30 years. Next year at this time all of that should be behind me and I will be turning 65 - an appropriate time for a celebration. I think I'll just skip this birthday.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
One Step At A Time
I guess I didn't write last time what had caused the relapse. I'd gone in a hot tub. It turns out that is a big NO NO for people with MS - or perhaps anyone with a neurological disease. I finally went to see my MS doctor about a week after my last post on this blog, and his eyebrows climbed straight up his forehead when he heard what I'd done. He said that in the early days the method they used to diagnose MS was to put people in a hot bath! The reason they stopped doing that was because they didn't know what the long-term effects would be. Oh my. The good news is that he didn't think I'd done any permanent damage; the bad news is that it could take up to 6 months for me to recover. I'm writing in my blog today because for the first time since early November I'm feeling good again. I went for a 23 minute walk a couple of hours ago and it felt great. I didn't get any numbness in my legs, which is what had been happening the last few months. I just got numbness in my feet, which is normal for me, and it didn't start to happen until near the end of the walk. This is wonderful news.
I never did apply with a temp agency or do anything else regarding getting a job. It's all worked out perfectly, though. Former clients started calling me a couple of weeks ago regarding refinancing now that the rates are so low . I have 3 clients right now that I'm working with, and have two others who are waiting for rates to get even lower. I'd just renewed my broker's license last week, so I guess I'm back in the loan business. If anyone knows someone who wants to refinance or purchase and who lives in California, please give them my name and number.
I had a very nice holiday season. It was a nice mixture - I spent time with Trish and Stan, with Carla, and with my Lui family. There was a Christmas dinner at Judy and Dave Jaeger's (Deja's ex-in-laws)with Deja and Robert and Roxy and Brian as well as with Judy and Dave's family. Charlton flew down with the two boys the day after Christmas for a week and I got to see a lot of them as well. I even played scrabble with my two grandsons in my new place. I didn't know how the boys (ages 10 and 14) would react to the carriage house since it was so much smaller than what they were used to seeing me in, but they loved it and thought it was perfect for me. How grown up they are! I'm going to post a photo of 3 of my 4 grandchildren (unfortunately Kristopher wasn't there) because it gave me so much joy to spend time with them. There are many reasons that I don't regret the 30 years I was married to Elson, and they comprise 4 of them, in addition to the 3 kids (Deja, Charlton and Janet) and their various mates, who are more reasons.
It's a new year now, to go with my new life. It's been a year since Elson went to prison and over 5 months since the estate sale and my move. So much has happened. I feel like I'm a totally different person from who I was a year ago. My friends and my sister say I'm just becoming who I was, before I "disappeared", but it's more than that. I'm who I was, but I'm also a different, new, stronger person than who I was, and hopefully a wiser person. I have different needs and desires. I find I can live and be very happy with a lot less money. I dress differently. I eat differently. I drink a lot more! (just kidding - always with moderation) I find I have less patience for certain kinds of tv programs. My time has become more precious to me. I've learned to say no - I don't have to do everything, go out every time someone asks me, always be included. I love spending time by myself in my wonderful apartment. Sometimes I just sit on the couch, listening to music, and look around me and feel like pinching myself. Is this all real? Do I really live in such a wonderful space? Have I really found such a wonderful friend in my landlady, Carla? I've escaped from Hell, from a very dark space, and I've landed in the light. I still have challenges ahead of me (the divorce, my financial situation, figuring out my relationship with Elson when he gets out and hopefully establishing some kind of friendship with him, my relationship with the kids, finding a permanent means of income that I'm passionate about) but the operative word is challenges - not problems, not disasters. Just challenges. And they don't frighten me. I take one step at a time. I don't get as much accomplished in a day as I used to, but every day I take a step forward. What more can one ask for?
I never did apply with a temp agency or do anything else regarding getting a job. It's all worked out perfectly, though. Former clients started calling me a couple of weeks ago regarding refinancing now that the rates are so low . I have 3 clients right now that I'm working with, and have two others who are waiting for rates to get even lower. I'd just renewed my broker's license last week, so I guess I'm back in the loan business. If anyone knows someone who wants to refinance or purchase and who lives in California, please give them my name and number.
I had a very nice holiday season. It was a nice mixture - I spent time with Trish and Stan, with Carla, and with my Lui family. There was a Christmas dinner at Judy and Dave Jaeger's (Deja's ex-in-laws)with Deja and Robert and Roxy and Brian as well as with Judy and Dave's family. Charlton flew down with the two boys the day after Christmas for a week and I got to see a lot of them as well. I even played scrabble with my two grandsons in my new place. I didn't know how the boys (ages 10 and 14) would react to the carriage house since it was so much smaller than what they were used to seeing me in, but they loved it and thought it was perfect for me. How grown up they are! I'm going to post a photo of 3 of my 4 grandchildren (unfortunately Kristopher wasn't there) because it gave me so much joy to spend time with them. There are many reasons that I don't regret the 30 years I was married to Elson, and they comprise 4 of them, in addition to the 3 kids (Deja, Charlton and Janet) and their various mates, who are more reasons.
It's a new year now, to go with my new life. It's been a year since Elson went to prison and over 5 months since the estate sale and my move. So much has happened. I feel like I'm a totally different person from who I was a year ago. My friends and my sister say I'm just becoming who I was, before I "disappeared", but it's more than that. I'm who I was, but I'm also a different, new, stronger person than who I was, and hopefully a wiser person. I have different needs and desires. I find I can live and be very happy with a lot less money. I dress differently. I eat differently. I drink a lot more! (just kidding - always with moderation) I find I have less patience for certain kinds of tv programs. My time has become more precious to me. I've learned to say no - I don't have to do everything, go out every time someone asks me, always be included. I love spending time by myself in my wonderful apartment. Sometimes I just sit on the couch, listening to music, and look around me and feel like pinching myself. Is this all real? Do I really live in such a wonderful space? Have I really found such a wonderful friend in my landlady, Carla? I've escaped from Hell, from a very dark space, and I've landed in the light. I still have challenges ahead of me (the divorce, my financial situation, figuring out my relationship with Elson when he gets out and hopefully establishing some kind of friendship with him, my relationship with the kids, finding a permanent means of income that I'm passionate about) but the operative word is challenges - not problems, not disasters. Just challenges. And they don't frighten me. I take one step at a time. I don't get as much accomplished in a day as I used to, but every day I take a step forward. What more can one ask for?
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Trouble In Paradise
I'm having a tough time with the MS. I'm very low on energy, the smallest task or exertion results in heavy legs and a need to rest, my hands and feets are freezing cold most of the time. I'm hoping it's all temporary, that it's just a result of my still working through things, processing all the recent changes, still dealing with the aftermath and trying to figure out my future and my finances. I've been advised to take frequent naps, continue my daily walks, take it one step at a time.
On a more positive note, I'm still loving the carriage house. I almost love it too much, in that I'm reluctant to leave it and can't wait to come home. It's just perfect for me and I can't imagine living anywhere else.
I was planning on signing up with a temp agency and finally start working, but this recent relapse makes that impossible for the time being. What would be perfect would be to find some kind of work that I can do at home, on my own schedule.
I'll keep the blog updated with my progress on the health front.
On a more positive note, I'm still loving the carriage house. I almost love it too much, in that I'm reluctant to leave it and can't wait to come home. It's just perfect for me and I can't imagine living anywhere else.
I was planning on signing up with a temp agency and finally start working, but this recent relapse makes that impossible for the time being. What would be perfect would be to find some kind of work that I can do at home, on my own schedule.
I'll keep the blog updated with my progress on the health front.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Oops
Everything was going so well. On Sunday October 12 I was on my way from an afternoon party (where I only imbibed bottled water, I swear) to a matinee movie. I was not tired, I was not distracted, I'd had nothing to drink, so I have no explanation for what then happened, but it seems I went through a stop sign. No one was hurt, not even the cop who broadsided me (yes, a cop, can you believe it?). I had a stop sign, he didn't, and he said he was already in the intersection when he saw me so he didn't have time to avoid hitting me. Neither of us was going fast, but cop cars are like tanks and it's going take up to 6 weeks and over $13,000 to fix my Prius. Luckily my insurance covers it and also covers car rental for 30 days. As I sat there waiting for Carla to come pick me up after AAA towed away my baby, I kept trying to understand how this could have happened. That's when I noticed the tree in front of the stop sign, completely obscuring it. It just so happened I had my camera in my purse, so I snapped a photo of it. A cop was waiting with me and he noticed what I was doing. He called me later that night, at 10 PM, and told me he'd gone back to the intersection later that day and after looking again at that stop sign, decided to cancel the citation he'd written and also write on the police report that the stop sign was obscured. My insurance adjustor has assured me that this will not go on my record since I am not at fault, and that they are trying to get the city of Palo Alto to cover the claim. As they say - from his mouth to God's ears. I still can't quite believe it happened. It's been over 2 weeks and I still haven't rented the car. I really don't need one, as I have lots of food on hand and Carla has been an angel, letting me accompany her when she's gone on errands. It's been kind of nice not having a car. I'm still doing my daily walk, up to 25 minutes as of tonight, so I'm getting some exercise and fresh air. Speaking of walking, when Trish stayed overnight last week we walked all the way downtown to have breakfast and then walked back. I love it! This is the first time since the San Francisco house that I've been able to walk downtown. I feel like I'm back in civilization. I've posted some photos - of the car, the stop sign, and of me to show you that I'm in fine form post accident.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
A Month Later
I've been here 6 weeks now and I love it as much as ever. I've unpacked everything except the CDs and the apartment looks great. I love waking up to it, to its neatness and warmth and brightness, to how I can see and find everything I have, to the trees and sunlight coming through the windows, to its charm. Everyone who comes here feels it. I wanted a complete change from what I had before, and I got my wish.
I've mainly been resting, showing my place off, reconnecting with people, getting organized, processing what I went through, working on myself to make sure that never happens to me again, having fun with Carla. I kind of went overboard the first month with the drinking and eating, and I'm now shooting for more moderation. I was like a kid in a candy store whose parents aren't looking, eating all the foods that I love but know aren't good for me, drinking martinis, too much wine. My body finally rebelled, screaming Stop! Please don't do this to me! So this past month I've been more reasonable with my diet, not eating any rich foods. I finally received my shipment of matcha tea, so I have a matcha latte in the mornings now instead of coffee. Not that I don't still love my cafe latte and I'll sneak it in every now and then, but not on a daily basis like before. I've gone back to drinking more tea in general. I've cut out all alcohol for 3 weeks on doctor's orders (my liver test was too high - over 60 instead of under 36 the month before) and will have the liver tested again this week. Hopefully the spike will have just been due to the sudden increase in alcohol consumption, and I can go back to having the occasional glass of wine or martini. I've gained 5 pounds as the doctor had ordered (of course, in all the wrong places!), so I think I'm pretty healthy now.
I'm now about ready to get back to work. But I still don't know what the work will be. I'm putting together a list of different opportunities that might exist, and I'm requesting that all my friends email me any ideas they might have. I have several different talents and areas that I enjoy - I would like to find something that combines my administrative talents with my love for the arts and my people skills. I'm open to anything - I just require that I be able to work out of the home.
Life is good. I almost have to pinch myself to see if it's all real. I've gone from the darkest place imaginable to all this light almost overnight. I don't take it for granted. I breathe it in and let it fill me with joy every single day.
I've mainly been resting, showing my place off, reconnecting with people, getting organized, processing what I went through, working on myself to make sure that never happens to me again, having fun with Carla. I kind of went overboard the first month with the drinking and eating, and I'm now shooting for more moderation. I was like a kid in a candy store whose parents aren't looking, eating all the foods that I love but know aren't good for me, drinking martinis, too much wine. My body finally rebelled, screaming Stop! Please don't do this to me! So this past month I've been more reasonable with my diet, not eating any rich foods. I finally received my shipment of matcha tea, so I have a matcha latte in the mornings now instead of coffee. Not that I don't still love my cafe latte and I'll sneak it in every now and then, but not on a daily basis like before. I've gone back to drinking more tea in general. I've cut out all alcohol for 3 weeks on doctor's orders (my liver test was too high - over 60 instead of under 36 the month before) and will have the liver tested again this week. Hopefully the spike will have just been due to the sudden increase in alcohol consumption, and I can go back to having the occasional glass of wine or martini. I've gained 5 pounds as the doctor had ordered (of course, in all the wrong places!), so I think I'm pretty healthy now.
I'm now about ready to get back to work. But I still don't know what the work will be. I'm putting together a list of different opportunities that might exist, and I'm requesting that all my friends email me any ideas they might have. I have several different talents and areas that I enjoy - I would like to find something that combines my administrative talents with my love for the arts and my people skills. I'm open to anything - I just require that I be able to work out of the home.
Life is good. I almost have to pinch myself to see if it's all real. I've gone from the darkest place imaginable to all this light almost overnight. I don't take it for granted. I breathe it in and let it fill me with joy every single day.
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