Today is the first day of my new life

That's not exactly true, but it sounds good. I've actually been on this path for a few months now. This is a new blog that I am creating just for my special, close friends so that I can keep them apprised on what's going on with me - just me - not for universal viewership. I've got a lot of news to share, and not a lot of time right now, but I wanted to at least give you all an overview. You've probably noticed that I haven't posted anything to my original blog A New Journey for awhile. My friends didn't want to hear anything about Elson, and I didn't want to share my personal news there. So I'm starting this blog. The last 4 months have been an emotional roller coaster for me. I've been up and down, depressed and optimistic, angry and sad, focused and overwhelmed, scared and excited, fearful and hopeful, clearsighted and confused. Every day I wake up not knowing how I will feel that day, how much I will get accomplished, what I will learn, what kind of decisions I'll have to make. I've lost 15 pounds in the process (not a diet I would recommend) and can count on my fingers the number of nights I've slept through without fitful dreams or awakening and not being able to get back to sleep. HOWEVER, I finally see light at the end of the tunnel. I finally know in my heart that I will get through this. I will emerge a better and happier and stronger person.

I told everyone that Elson being sentenced to prison was a gift from God to me, and I still believe that. I never would have had the courage or strength to get out of this marriage without his having been forcibly removed from my presence. I still dread his calls, and I still react emotionally to them, usually becoming depressed, traumatized, confused, but each time less and less so. I have spent the last 4 months working on myself. I somehow knew that I had to become strong and clear on the inside before beginning to work on my outer environment. I have been in counseling with a wonderful counselor, Kathy. I have also been working with Art Mortell, an old friend of both mine and Elson's who is a motivational speaker and has written several books on dealing with and surviving failure and abuse, etc. Hilary Clinton said it takes a village, and I agree, and I have my own village, consisting of my sister Trish (yes! we finally have a wonderful sisterly relationship! that is one of the gifts to emerge from this whole trauma), Elson's sister Arlene and her husband Wayne, my daughter-in-law and soul sister Brenda, and Art Mortell. They check in with me on a daily basis, they provide me with love, support and advice with each one of them coming from a different perspective and all of it extremely helpful. I write a journal every evening of not just the day's events, but also my feelings and reactions and any insights I might have gained, and I email it to them, and they respond back. I have finally started dealing with my childhood and how it has affected me and my decisions over the years. I now understand why I married someone like Elson and why I stayed with him through all these years of abuse and trauma, and why he married me. We were both damaged goods and we were each of us bad for the other. I know that I became an enabler and bear responsibility for what we created together. I'm dealing with the shame and embarrasment connected with that. I want to say right here that I thank you, each and every one of you, for sticking with me through all these years, as uncomfortable as it must have been.

But I digress. Let me jump to the concrete changes and decisions that have been made. I am filing for divorce, and Elson knows and accepts it. In fact, he was the one to first suggest it after I finally said an emphatic no to a request (ie order) of his. I made it clear to him that his lifestyle and choices were too stressful for me and had impacted my health. I told him that I knew in my heart that if I'd spent one more year with him, I would have not have survived it. Because there is a 6 month waiting period in California, I must file before the end of June. It's complicated because of our financial situation, but I will get it done. I have a financial advisor helping me. I have also told Elson that I am moving out of the house and selling everything. He wasn't very happy about that either. I'm still very angry that he expected me to stay in this huge house (4500 sq ft) and pay this exorbitant rent ($3720/month) for 2 years so that he would have it to come home to. The stairs and the size are becoming too much for me, and the rent is draining the few resources I have left. I hadn't done any real estate loans for a year because I was too depressed. Now I either have to get back into it or find a regular job. I can't do the latter until I'm settled in a new place. I'm exploring parking my broker's license with a mortgage company that would provide me with some leads. I'm also exploring earning money through writing, which has always been a dream of mine.

I am in the process of interviewing estate sale liquidators. That seems the most efficient option - they would sell everything - furniture, clothing, office supplies, kitchen appliances, books, records, etc. It's going to take a couple of months to prepare for it, though, since the house is a mess. I've been gradually getting rid of stacks of newspapers and magazines and returning unopened items to Costco, but now we're (along with Wayne, my sister, and others) opening the boxes that have been stored in the garage since 1989 which we moved from San Francisco and never opened, as well as working on other rooms in the house. It's a huge process. My friend Kate who now lives in Texas has offered to fly out one weekend and help me. I'm going to feel so light and free once I get rid of all this STUFF.

Some people are recommending I not search for an apartment right away. They think I should just store my personal items and some furniture and spend time visiting people and healing and recovering and saving the expense of rent for awhile. Then there's the other camp that understands my need to have my own space and to feather my nest. It's also difficult to know what furniture to keep for myself without knowing what the new apartment looks like. I bounce back and forth between these two options on a daily basis, sometimes switching sides within the day. There are pros and cons for each.

I'm very frightened of running out of money. That's what keeps me up at night the most. I'll feel a lot better once I have some money coming in.

That's probably enough for now. I encourage you all to write me with any questions or suggestions you might have. I basically wanted you to know that I am on the road to recovery, my health is very good considering, I have lots of help and support, I am FINALLY getting free, I am becoming once again the Laurel you once knew and somehow still loved. Oh, I forgot the most exciting news. My friend and mentor and guru Art Mortell and I are going to write a book together. I am so excited. We are going to include my journals from this year, and poetry I've been writing, as well as notes from his almost daily conversations with me helping me find my way through this maze that's become my life. He's already had several books published, so I know ours will get published as well. He's still editing and working on his most recent book, so it'll be a while before we start working on ours.

Please keep in touch. You'll notice I changed the photo on my profile to include an apple martini. It's a symbol of my new life. Oh, and while I was unpacking one of the boxes in the garage, I found my old aluminum stovetop coffeemaker from Paris. I was so excited! I made myself a cappucino with it yesterday and boy did it bring back memories. Happy memories.

Wish me luck!