Giving Thanks

Thanksgiving was this past Thursday and as the name implies, it has caused me to look back over the past two years and think about both what I have to give thanks for and also what I need to let go of. It was two years ago this month that Elson was arrested and my life suddenly changed overnight. My life had been in limbo for quite some time, but this was a definitive event that I knew meant some huge changes. It's been quite a ride. There have been some highs and there have been some lows. I am hugely thankful to My Village that has been there for me throughout this journey, their arms held out to catch me when I've been about to fall, to support me, to advise me, to remind me of what I knew to be true but which at times I seemed to forget, to let me know that I was loved, to help me get past my fears of the unknown, and to help me celebrate and enjoy the new happinesses and joys in my new life. It seems that every day I call on them for one thing or another, and they are always there. They know who they are.

Elson has been out of prison for almost two months now and I have not heard one word from him. This was kind of a shock for me. I had not expected this. However, I am learning to accept it and to move on. It is after all for the best. It just seems so strange and cold, after 31 years together. But it is what it is. The only Lui's I have any contact with anymore are Brenda (who is a quasi Lui, or an ex-Lui), Linda Lui (another ex-Lui -- hmm, is there a pattern here?), Charlton, Janet and Kent, Kimberly, and Cameron and Devon. It is not what I expected or hoped, and it is at times still hard for me to digest. However, I have wonderful grandchildren who hopefully still think of me as their grandma.

It has given me cause for thought however. I have been searching for a family to be a part of ever since my father died. My sister has too. We never really felt part of a family growing up (that's another story and for another blog). We both found ourselves watching tv programs like Eight Is Enough and Family, yearning for something like that. We never had it with each other. We've always been estranged until recently. When I was with Trish over the weekend, she showed me an autograph book she had from when she'd left grammar school. There were comments in it not only from her friends and classmates, but also from each of our parents - but nothing from me. Even back then we weren't close; we weren't even friendly. I would embrace and become "adopted" by the families of all the boys I dated. I even adopted France as my home country and wanted to live there forever. And then I met Elson and I felt like I could stop searching.

Why am I going into all this now? Because I think for the first time I'm beginning to not only understand the meaning of family, but I am also truly experiencing it. I am experiencing it with Trish. She commented that she was happy and touched that I had chosen to spend Thanksgiving with her and Stan when I could have stayed home and spent it with Carla and Liza, which would have been so much easier for me since I had only to cross the street. My response to her was that of course I would spend it with her - she's my FAMILY.

I have two other families. I have my family consisting of My Village and other close friends. They see me as I am, love me as I am, have been with me through it all,and I know we'll be friends forever. There will be no sudden cutting me out of their lives.

My other family is here with Carla and the friends I've made through her, particularly Liza. I truly do feel like I'm part of a family with them. I haven't had this with friends since the old days in San Francisco, pre-Elson, with Kate, Larry, Richard and Rick and Dick and Dan. We had a wonderful family then, and we're all still close, except for Larry and Dick who passed away and Dan who retreated after Dick died.

N.B. I just heard from my French cousin Martine in Paris who had read my blog and she wrote to me "Don't forget that you have family who think of you in France and who love and admire you". How could I have forgotten them? It has been a love affair between us (Martine and her husband Jean-Christophe and their children and Martine's parents Francoise and Jacques - Francoise is my father's cousin). So I have four families! How rich can one be?

So I have a lot to be thankful for. One door closes and another one opens. Even though I'm still hurt by what has happened, I can smile through my tears as I consider my new life.

Other random news bits: my wonderful Aunt Anita Schaeffer has died. Many people remember her as the one who became like a mother to me after my parents died (along with my uncle Howie, who has been struggling with his health for years). Her passing leaves a large hole in my heart. I never really felt like an "orphan" because I always knew they were there for me. I owe them so much. I couldn't fly back to Florida for the funeral, but I did keep in close touch with my cousin Joanie.

That additional bookkeeping job didn't pan out - he never returned my calls. Trish keeps reminding me of how well everything has worked out so far and to just keep trusting that it will continue to work out. I'm letting everyone know that I'm looking.

My health is about the same, except for a nasty fall I took at work where I tripped on a loose rug and bruised my ribs. I've never had bruised ribs before and now I can empathize with people. It takes a long time to heal.

The holidays are fast approaching. This will be my second holiday season in my new home and my new life. I was slightly apprehensive last year, wondering how I would spend it. I'm not worried this year. I know whatever I do, I will be with people whom I love and who love me. And I think that is a good note on which to end this posting.