Always Within Never

I've just finished reading the most amazing book - The Elegance of The Hedgehog by the French novelist and philosopher Muriel Barbery.  It took me a long time to get into it, but once I did, I was spellbound, and the final paragraph has become my new mantra:

I have finally concluded, maybe that's what life is about: there's a lot of despair, but also the odd moment of beauty, where time is no longer the same. It's as if those strains of music created a sort of interlude in time, something suspended, an elsewhere that had come to us, an always within never..... moments of always within never. Beauty, in this world.

This paragraph sums up my life the last few years, what helped me to get through it, survive, maintain my sense of humor and joie de vivre.  I called it the happiness gene, but there's more to it than that.  I've often said it was because of music, but I wasn't able to put it into words or explain it.  This paragraph finally enables me to.  I have always been able to find the moments of "always within never" - even in my darkest moments.  A couple of weeks ago, as I was driving to work my mind began to revisit some of those dark moments and I found myself once again on the verge of tears and starting to have that feeling represented by Edvard Munch's The Scream, when all of a sudden the music playing pierced the veil and I suddenly was singing along and smiling and feeling joy.  Tout d'un coup, as they say.  I thank God for these moments of beauty, not just for their existence, but for my always being able to see and feel them.

Along that vein, I have two additional mantras.  One was in the SF Chronicle section and the other was a New Yorker cartoon that Carla gave me:

1) I say when life hands you a lemon, make lemonade....when life hands you a juniper berry, make a gin martini.
2) Wife to husband: If they gave us lemons, you'd make lemonade, but I'd make limoncello.

Both, words to live by!

On to other news.  I'm back on the new MS drug, Ampyra, but so far I am not having the success I originally had with it.  The first time I tried it, I felt an immediate increase in energy and ability to walk.  Then I had that debacle with the double dosage, and I stopped taking it for 4 days.  I started again this past Saturday, and I'm still feeling "off".  I was dizzy on Saturday, and the dizziness has mostly gone away, but I just don't feel right.  I'm low on energy, my legs are heavy and slow, and I'm shuffling around.  I will stick with it though.  However, this is not making me very positive about trying one of the interferon drugs like Dr. Dunn wants me to.  I do not enjoy not feeling well.

I had my first appointment with Physical Therapy at Stanford on Thursday.  I am very excited about this.  I'd been reading in my various MS magazines about physical therapy and exercises specific for MS, but Kaiser either did not offer them or my doctor did not feel compelled to tell me about them.  I'd asked Dr. Dunn about them during my first visit and he sent a referral to the rehab clinic.  I spent almost an hour with a personal trainer, Tashina Fuelling, who showed me about 10 exercises that I can do on my own at home.  I'm going to meet with her once a week for a month.  In addition, she leads a group exercise class once a week from 10:30 AM to noon composed exclusively of MS patients ranging in age from early 30s to my age, a large amount of whom are taking this same drug Ampyra, and I have signed up for that as well.  I can't go this Thursday because I have to work, but I'll start on June 10th.  All of this is covered by Medicare.  Hooray for Medicare, may the force be with you!  She also told me about a yoga class exclusively for MS patients that is taught right here in Redwood City.  That probably wouldn't be covered by Medicare, but it's not expensive and I will definitely check it out, but not right away, not while I'm still working in Milpitas.  There are not enough hours in the day.  I'm already finding out that I don't have enough time to attend the support group I'd started on Wednesdays.  It's too bad I have to work!

I've decided to not renew my subscription to TheatreWorks.  I enjoy their productions very much, but I've missed two of the 8 plays this last season because I was too tired to go directly from work.  I can usually get half price tickets online, so I've decided to just go that route for the new season, just seeing the ones I really want to see, on days when I'm not too tired.  On the other hand, I've decided to get half price tickets on my own for some productions in SF.  I hated missing the A.C.T. productions of Brief Encounter and 39 Steps, so I bit the bullet and got a ticket for next Saturday's preview of the world premiere of The Tosca Project at A.C.T.  It's a matinee so I plan to either drive or take the train and BART.  It's a purely San Francisco play based on the bar/cafeTosca in North Beach with original choreography by our San Francisco Ballet's own Val Caniparoli.  Here's what the internet has to say about it: "the uniquely San Francisco movement and theater event four years in the making. Created and staged by Carey Perloff and San Francisco Ballet choreographer Val Caniparoli, The Tosca Project brings together world-renowned dancers from San Francisco Ballet, including prima ballerina Sabina Allemann and Pascal Molat, with such acclaimed actors as The Overcoat’s Peter Anderson.  'The Tosca Project is a celebration of North Beach’s legendary Tosca Café as a metaphor for all those magical bars around the world in which the ghosts of a million encounters remain present in the air,' says Perloff. 'This beautiful, emotionally vivid, and magical piece is a unique collaboration between some of the best Bay Area artists and the city we love, offered as a valentine to our extraordinary audience.'

I'm really looking forward to it.  The last bit of news concerns the divorce - it is final as of May 24th, just two months past schedule.  It seems the document reviewer had lost the paperwork (I finally called asking about it a couple of weeks ago) but he eventually found it and processed it while I was on the phone with him.  I received the paperwork in the mail a few days later.  To be honest, I have mixed feelings.  It wasn't all bad; in fact, there were a lot of really good moments and times.  We had an extraordinary amount of things in common, things we both liked to do, and I miss having a playmate.  I miss having someone to share the little moments with.  I miss having a family.  I'm a little concerned about my future and what it holds for me, given my current state of health.  How long will I able to keep working?  How will I survive if I can't work?  These are the kinds of thoughts that wake me up in the middle of the night.

But mostly I listen to my music, read my books, enjoy lying on my chaise lounge on my balcony looking out over Carla's beautiful garden and her majestic redwood tree, enjoy my dinners across the street at Liza's, and basically take it a day at a time.  And always, always, I look for the always within never.