That's what Helen said about me, and fortunately it's true. My new life is much quieter and calmer than my former life. I don't try out all the new restaurants, I don't see all the new plays, I don't get to the ballet anymore, I'm not at all the jazz concerts anymore, I haven't traveled for two years....but I'm not complaining, for I truly have done it all. I subscribe to the San Francisco Chronicle because I still want to know what is going on, what restaurants are closing or opening, read reviews of all the plays, peruse the travel section, read the entertainment section, but I don't follow up on it. Reading about it is enough for me. My physical condition dictates my activities, and that's okay with me.
This blog is going to be a bit of a hodgepodge. I have news and I have reflections. I'll start with explaining who Helen is. She is this amazing force of life whom I've gotten to know through Brenda. Brenda finally came! We've been planning a birthday celebration since before my birthday last month, but due to Brenda's extremely hectic and busy schedule, it didn't take place until last weekend. But it was worth the wait. We started Friday afternoon with an impromptu cocktail party chez moi, with my niece Kimberly who picked Brenda up at the airport and brought her here. Then early Saturday morning Brenda and I set off for Santana Row in San Jose where Brenda had booked us a room in a beautiful hotel for the night (I love that people want to whisk me off to these glamorous hotels!). We spent the afternoon meeting with Helen and some friends, followed by relaxing in our room, then Helen joined us for a delicious dinner at Left Bank for both of our birthdays (Helen's birthday was just a few days before this weekend). There's something about a French bistro restaurant, like Left Bank, that has an immediate physical and emotional effect on me, just like hearing someone speak French does, or listening to music. I'm like a dog who smells a certain scent - my ears perk up, I feel chills up and down my spine, I stand up straighter, my tail wags (well, maybe not that). I had a glass of a wonderful Sancerre that had whispers of Paris in it, oysters, steak tartare, mussels in a wonderful broth, great French bread, and we finished it off with a delicious creme brulee. I would have purred if I could have - but with a French accent, naturellement. Then we went to the movie theatre a block away and saw Ghost Writer, Polanski's new film. Brenda and I ended the day by relaxing in our room, each of us reading, listening to music. A perfect day. On Sunday we'd been planning on going to the Farmer's Market, but it rained and the wind blew, so we ended up meeting Helen for coffee at Barnes & Noble and talking for several hours (after spending the entire day together on Saturday, we still had so much to talk about - I love my women friends), then eating lunch (lots of food was consumed over the 4-day weekend), and then Brenda and I returned to my carriage house where we curled up on the sofa and relaxed some more. I guess there was lots of relaxing in addition to lots of eating! Monday Helen joined us again for a wonderful lunch at an Italian restaurant in Redwood City, some strolling about, some Scrabble at home, and then Helen took Brenda to the airport around 7 PM. I was sad to see them go, partly because I'd had such a good time with them, but also because I think this is finally the end of my birthday celebrations. Oh wait, no, there's more to come, I'm to meet Mary Lou and Bill for Dim Sum sometime soon! Oh goody. More celebrating.
In case you're wondering about the photo I've posted at the beginning of this blog, that's the latest incarnation of my Family Photo corner. These consist of various photos of my parents and of me and Trish, ranging from a photo of our father at around age 2, to photos of Trish and me as toddlers, and to that wonderful photo of my mother looking up from reading the Sunday paper. I feel that during my marriage I had turned my back on my blood family in a certain sense. I'd only started putting framed photos of them about in the house towards the end of the marriage. For most of the marriage I'd concentrated on being a Lui and being a part of the Lui family. No one had asked me to do this. I think it stemmed from my deep seeded desire for family, I'd been starved for one for so long. When the marriage ended, at first I felt so alone, adrift and lost, but connecting with Trish made me remember that I did still have family, that I'd always been part of another, primal family. I am now glorying in that. My apartment is filled with photos from both my families.
There is news on the medical front. I saw the new MS doctor on March 24th. I was on a high for days afterwards. I finally have a specialist who wants to help me. Here is a blurb about him:
Jeffrey Dunn, MD Associate Director, Stanford Multiple Sclerosis Center Associate Professor of Neurology and Neurological Sciences. Dr. Dunn is a board certified neurologist specializing in the diagnosis, treatment and clinical research of multiple sclerosis and demyelinating disease. With a focus on clinical care, he also conducts research on combination therapy and emerging immunotherapy and has worked as a principal investigator for clinical research studies sponsored by the NIH and other organizations. Dr. Dunn served as president and chief medical officer of the "MS Hub," a novel regional care center at Evergreen Healthcare in Kirkland, WA, before joining the MS Center at Stanford in early 2008. He has been recognized as one of the nation's "top docs" for the last eight consecutive years. Dr, Dunn earned his MD from Temple University and did his specialty training in neurology at the University of Washington.
My cousin Dana in Michigan had recommended him and I am so happy that she did. He's already ordered two full MRIs - one on the brain and one on the spine, plus he's ordered the brand new medication that was just approved by the FDA in January that helps all people with MS, no matter which kind, with their walking and with their fatigue. It's in pill form, not a shot. For the first time, I'm willing to try one of the drugs, partly because I'm beginning to lose quality of life and it is now worth it to me to try it, partly because this is the first MS drug to be in pill form and to not have that many side effects. It does still have side effects, of course, and it will be up to me to decide whether the benefits are worth the discomfort. Dr. Dunn gave me the most complete and extensive exam I've ever had, including interviewing me and getting to know me and asking what I want to accomplish by seeing him, what my fears are, my goals, etc.
My experience so far with Medicare has been very positive, except for the drug plan. I'm not so happy with that. I'm learning all about the donut hole and if I continue with this new MS medication, I will definitely fall into that hole. Stanford has a patient assistance plan and I'm getting more information about that. If this is going to cost me in the thousands of dollars, then of course I can't and won't do it. I'll find out more in the next month or two. In the meantime, I have an appointmet with an MS clinic to see about getting a "walking aid". It's callled "The WalkAide System" and it's a battery operated device that helps with "foot drop", which is what I've been experiencing. After walking for just a short period of time, my legs get heavy, especially my right leg, and I have trouble lifting my right foot, usually ending up by dragging it. This device works with a bluetooth. I have no idea if I'll like it or if it will work for me, but if it does, it'll be free. I like that part!
This is probably enough for one post. I've also included a photo of all the birthday cards I received. The best part about having a blog is that everyone knows when it's your birthday and you get all these birthday cards! I've never received so many, and I love each and every one of them. Thank you, everyone, for helping to make this birthday so memorable.
In the beginning of the blog, I said there would be news and reflections. Well, the reflection is that although I've done it all, and most of it I'm not doing anymore, that doesn't mean that I've stopped living or having new experiences or adventures. Every day still brings something new and delightful and I look forward to having lots more adventures, albeit different ones from before. I'm not through with life yet, not by a long shot. I discover new music almost every day, am meeting new people, discovering new books and tv programs, and every day in my carriage house fills me with peace and happiness. Brenda said, as we were relaxing here Sunday night, that although she loved staying in the hotel, being in the carriage house was as delightful and was like a vacation for her and she almost felt like it was her birthday. That's how I feel every day. Yesterday Carla and I had a day like we used to have, when I wasn't working and when the weather was nice. She helped me do my laundry and hang it out to dry, we went to our favorite Vietnamese restaurant for lunch, we ran some errands, we came back here and sat in the garden talking, and we finished the day by watching that old classic The Snake Pit with Olivia deHavilland. It was a wonderful and magical day.
Thanks for "listening."
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Fears and Conquests
That's how I began my sharing at last week's Support Group session. The last month has been a mixture of both, sort of a combination of little steps backwards and big steps forward. I suppose that as long as the backward steps are little and the forward steps big, I'm doing ok.
I'll start with the conquests, just like I did in Group. First, I want to write how much I love being in this Group. My original intent was to network with people on how to manage and survive these health challenges we all have. But I'm getting so much more out of being there and getting to know them. It's become a safe place to express the fears. We all have the same fear - that of being a burden - but you don't really want to talk about it with anyone, for fear of becoming a burden just from talking about it. But in this Group we all understand, we've all been there, and that creates a wonderful feeling of "being home", of being in a safe place where you're accepted and loved and understood.
Anyway, I finally turned 65. And thanks to my sister Trish, I got to celebrate it. We spent two glorious nights at the French Sofitel Hotel in Redwood Shores (as far away as you can get from where I live and still be in Redwood City!). We left the hotel only once, to go to a luxurious spa less than a mile away (called Spa Luxe, strangely enough), where I was treated by Trish to a wonderful hour facial followed by an hour massage. We were at the spa 4 hours! We'd been planning to go to a restaurant outside the hotel for our second dinner, but we were so relaxed, neither of us felt like putting on makeup or leaving the hotel, so when we got back from the spa we went straight to the hotel bar and had cocktails and then another wonderful dinner. I've posted a slide show that pretty much sums up our decadent birthday celebration. If you click on one of the slides, it will take you to the web album with captions which will give you the full story. Thank you so much, Trish. It was very special.
I also am now officially insured by Medicare along with AARP (United Healthcare) - no more Kaiser. I already have appointments with a new dermatologist and an MS specialist and have chosen a new primary physician, all of whom came highly recommended and have excellent reviews on the internet. In getting my medical records forwarded to these new doctors, I found out that the last MRI I had done was in 1998. This is the main reason I chose to leave Kaiser. I find that outrageous.
I spent Thursday evening in San Francisco with Dennis and Linda and Michael and Francine. Our old house on Ashbury Street is up for sale - listed at just under $3 million - and they suggested I come up and go to the wine and cheese open house there and then they'd take me out for dinner for my birthday. I took the train up. It made going up there so easy. It's opened up a whole new world for me. I've been reluctant to go to the city because I already drive so much, plus I hate the parking there. But I love the city and the museums and theatres and restaurants and the friends I have there. I think now I will go up much more often. I'm very happy about that. By the way, for those interested, there's a slide show of the house which the listing agent has put on the internet at http://www.908ashbury.com/. Just be prepared - the owners have made a lot of changes and the staging is very modern.
Now for the fears. I've already written how the MS is steadily getting worse. I tire easily and don't seem to be able to walk very far without my legs getting heavy and my feet dragging. Well, last Saturday I took a hot shower (which I normally do, I love hot showers), and for the first time, I felt the hot water affecting my legs. My thighs began to go numb. This numbness lasted for almost an entire week. The nonprofit where I work had their annual gala fundraiser that evening and I was working at it, and I had to bring my cane. Even with the cane, I had difficulty getting around. Trish came with me and was an enormous help. I continued to have problems walking until Thursday evening.
Now here's where it gets very interesting. Thursday morning I had taken photos at the site of Edwin's current estate sale, which entailed going up and down stairs in an 8,000 sq ft house. I was exhausted by the time I had to take the train for SF. I rested on the train, but I was really dragging. I somehow made it from the train to Francine's car where she was waiting to pick me up - I climbed up into the car - and when I turned to greet her and started talking, I noticed this instant transformation. I went from being an exhausted, limp, drained shell of a gal to being an energetic, excited, happy, enthusiastic, non-stop talking and laughing whippersnapper. Instantly! If someone had been watching, they would have thought someone else had taken my place. And I stayed that way. I was able to go up and down the three flights of stairs at 908 Ashbury, take photos, tour the entire house, and then go to dinner. I didn't even sleep on the train back. In fact, I didn't even need my cane to walk to my car from the train. I wrote in a previous post about my having the happiness gene. I also seem to have the "people" gene. I thrive when I'm with my friends. I've noticed it when Carla comes up to watch a movie. I'll be tired and lacking any energy, and then she comes up and I'm cracking jokes and laughing.
To get back to the fear part. I was very worried that maybe I had progressed to a point of no return, with images of the dreaded wheelchair hovering on the edge of my consciousness, but now I feel NOT YET. I just need to make sure that I keep seeing people. It's too easy to collapse on my couch and watch tv or read. I spend an inordinate amount of time doing that. Maybe too much time. There's a fine line between pacing yourself and becoming a hermit. So that's my new resolution - to make more of an effort to get out and do things and see people. All the while being reasonable and not overdoing it of course.
The other fear that keeps popping up in my mind is about finding new sources of income, where I can work out of my home or at least locally. The stickers on my Prius expire this coming January. I cannot do that commute to Milpitas if I can't use the commuter lane. It would take me 2 hours to get home. I need to start looking now. Unfortunately, I will have to keep working the rest of my life. I've accepted that. I've never minded working. It's been good for me this last year. It's gotten me out of the house, it keeps my brain oiled, I enjoy being with people. However, now that the MS is getting worse, for the first time I worry about being ABLE to keep working.
Another step backward concerns the divorce. I'd assumed the divorce would become final on the 24th of March. That's what the paperwork said. But when I called the County Courthouse to make sure I could pick up a certified copy on the 24th, the clerk asked me what made me think it would be final then. It turns out that the judge, instead of signing off on it, instead sent it on up to South San Francisco, which means there's some kind of problem. What kind of problem I don't know. So I'm left hanging in limbo. This means that Medicare keeps getting to deduct an extra $178 a month from my Social Security. Don't ask. It's a long story.
However, I remain optimistic, I hold my head high, I force my back straight and I will those leg muscles to move. I find new music that thrills me, I read new books which take me to far off lands, I make myself an apple martini. Spring has sprung and Carla's garden is in glorious bloom. I bought a beautiful frame today in which to hang the incredible photo which cousin Susan sent me. Carla baked scrumptious "refrigerator cookies" today which we ate fresh out of the oven. I refuse to look backwards and I won't hide from the future, and in the meantime I am enjoying the present.
I'll start with the conquests, just like I did in Group. First, I want to write how much I love being in this Group. My original intent was to network with people on how to manage and survive these health challenges we all have. But I'm getting so much more out of being there and getting to know them. It's become a safe place to express the fears. We all have the same fear - that of being a burden - but you don't really want to talk about it with anyone, for fear of becoming a burden just from talking about it. But in this Group we all understand, we've all been there, and that creates a wonderful feeling of "being home", of being in a safe place where you're accepted and loved and understood.
Anyway, I finally turned 65. And thanks to my sister Trish, I got to celebrate it. We spent two glorious nights at the French Sofitel Hotel in Redwood Shores (as far away as you can get from where I live and still be in Redwood City!). We left the hotel only once, to go to a luxurious spa less than a mile away (called Spa Luxe, strangely enough), where I was treated by Trish to a wonderful hour facial followed by an hour massage. We were at the spa 4 hours! We'd been planning to go to a restaurant outside the hotel for our second dinner, but we were so relaxed, neither of us felt like putting on makeup or leaving the hotel, so when we got back from the spa we went straight to the hotel bar and had cocktails and then another wonderful dinner. I've posted a slide show that pretty much sums up our decadent birthday celebration. If you click on one of the slides, it will take you to the web album with captions which will give you the full story. Thank you so much, Trish. It was very special.
I also am now officially insured by Medicare along with AARP (United Healthcare) - no more Kaiser. I already have appointments with a new dermatologist and an MS specialist and have chosen a new primary physician, all of whom came highly recommended and have excellent reviews on the internet. In getting my medical records forwarded to these new doctors, I found out that the last MRI I had done was in 1998. This is the main reason I chose to leave Kaiser. I find that outrageous.
I spent Thursday evening in San Francisco with Dennis and Linda and Michael and Francine. Our old house on Ashbury Street is up for sale - listed at just under $3 million - and they suggested I come up and go to the wine and cheese open house there and then they'd take me out for dinner for my birthday. I took the train up. It made going up there so easy. It's opened up a whole new world for me. I've been reluctant to go to the city because I already drive so much, plus I hate the parking there. But I love the city and the museums and theatres and restaurants and the friends I have there. I think now I will go up much more often. I'm very happy about that. By the way, for those interested, there's a slide show of the house which the listing agent has put on the internet at http://www.908ashbury.com/. Just be prepared - the owners have made a lot of changes and the staging is very modern.
Now for the fears. I've already written how the MS is steadily getting worse. I tire easily and don't seem to be able to walk very far without my legs getting heavy and my feet dragging. Well, last Saturday I took a hot shower (which I normally do, I love hot showers), and for the first time, I felt the hot water affecting my legs. My thighs began to go numb. This numbness lasted for almost an entire week. The nonprofit where I work had their annual gala fundraiser that evening and I was working at it, and I had to bring my cane. Even with the cane, I had difficulty getting around. Trish came with me and was an enormous help. I continued to have problems walking until Thursday evening.
Now here's where it gets very interesting. Thursday morning I had taken photos at the site of Edwin's current estate sale, which entailed going up and down stairs in an 8,000 sq ft house. I was exhausted by the time I had to take the train for SF. I rested on the train, but I was really dragging. I somehow made it from the train to Francine's car where she was waiting to pick me up - I climbed up into the car - and when I turned to greet her and started talking, I noticed this instant transformation. I went from being an exhausted, limp, drained shell of a gal to being an energetic, excited, happy, enthusiastic, non-stop talking and laughing whippersnapper. Instantly! If someone had been watching, they would have thought someone else had taken my place. And I stayed that way. I was able to go up and down the three flights of stairs at 908 Ashbury, take photos, tour the entire house, and then go to dinner. I didn't even sleep on the train back. In fact, I didn't even need my cane to walk to my car from the train. I wrote in a previous post about my having the happiness gene. I also seem to have the "people" gene. I thrive when I'm with my friends. I've noticed it when Carla comes up to watch a movie. I'll be tired and lacking any energy, and then she comes up and I'm cracking jokes and laughing.
To get back to the fear part. I was very worried that maybe I had progressed to a point of no return, with images of the dreaded wheelchair hovering on the edge of my consciousness, but now I feel NOT YET. I just need to make sure that I keep seeing people. It's too easy to collapse on my couch and watch tv or read. I spend an inordinate amount of time doing that. Maybe too much time. There's a fine line between pacing yourself and becoming a hermit. So that's my new resolution - to make more of an effort to get out and do things and see people. All the while being reasonable and not overdoing it of course.
The other fear that keeps popping up in my mind is about finding new sources of income, where I can work out of my home or at least locally. The stickers on my Prius expire this coming January. I cannot do that commute to Milpitas if I can't use the commuter lane. It would take me 2 hours to get home. I need to start looking now. Unfortunately, I will have to keep working the rest of my life. I've accepted that. I've never minded working. It's been good for me this last year. It's gotten me out of the house, it keeps my brain oiled, I enjoy being with people. However, now that the MS is getting worse, for the first time I worry about being ABLE to keep working.
Another step backward concerns the divorce. I'd assumed the divorce would become final on the 24th of March. That's what the paperwork said. But when I called the County Courthouse to make sure I could pick up a certified copy on the 24th, the clerk asked me what made me think it would be final then. It turns out that the judge, instead of signing off on it, instead sent it on up to South San Francisco, which means there's some kind of problem. What kind of problem I don't know. So I'm left hanging in limbo. This means that Medicare keeps getting to deduct an extra $178 a month from my Social Security. Don't ask. It's a long story.
However, I remain optimistic, I hold my head high, I force my back straight and I will those leg muscles to move. I find new music that thrills me, I read new books which take me to far off lands, I make myself an apple martini. Spring has sprung and Carla's garden is in glorious bloom. I bought a beautiful frame today in which to hang the incredible photo which cousin Susan sent me. Carla baked scrumptious "refrigerator cookies" today which we ate fresh out of the oven. I refuse to look backwards and I won't hide from the future, and in the meantime I am enjoying the present.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
A Month To Remember
Actually, it's going to be two months to remember by the time we get to the end of March. So many things are happening so fast, that my head is spinning - in time to the wonderful sounds of Mark Murphy playing in iTunes right now.
It started with the surprise delivery of a dozen ruby red roses for Valentine's Day from my precious Brenda. What would I do without her. She never allows me to feel neglected or alone or unloved. She literally will not allow it. The roses arrived on Saturday, February 13th, the day I spent with my niece Amy. I hadn't seen Amy for quite a while and it was wonderful to see her. She came armed with a bag full of gluten free food products for me to try. I have promised her I will follow a strict gluten free diet for two weeks (to start after poker night and the following night's birthday extravaganza at Liza's, of course, so I started a week ago Wednesday). We're hoping for two positive results from this - an improvement in both the MS and the bloating I've been struggling with for many years. I've been on the diet for over a week now and I have to admit that I've had very little to no bloating, and the only time I've had bloating is when I mistakenly ate something with wheat in it. As for the MS, I did think there were a couple of days when I had more energy than I usually do, considering the activities I'd been involved in, and I haven't used a cane at all. So it all looks very promising. Thank you, Amy!
The next big event revolves around my turning 65, leaving Kaiser (a very big step for me) and signing up for Medicare. I like my primary doctor there very much, and so I had a final appointment with her last week (I hadn't had a physical since shortly before moving to the carriage house, so I was due). We both got very emotional, exchanged multiple hugs and she wished me luck and all the best. She also ordered a slew of blood tests just for good meansure, and I'm happy to report that every single one of them came out positive.
I did a lot of research on what kind of insurance to get and with which company. I sent out emails to everyone I could think of who might be able to advise me, and I received wonderful, long emails and long distance phone calls from people all over the country telling me of their experiences, their choices and why, things to look out for, etc. This was extremely helpful and I thank everyone. I finally decided on AARP Supplemental Insurance Plan F and Part D Tier 2. I also decided to use an independent agent to help me and I'm so glad I did. A friend and neighbor from Vernal Way recommended her agent, a lovely woman named Connie. Connie confirmed that I'd made the right choice for now, but added that she would check again for me every year and if ever the situation changes such that I would be better off with another company or another plan, she would help me change. In the state of California, there's an open window of enrollment every year between November 15 and December 31st where you can change and no one looks at pre-existing conditions. I feel very good about this. It's a comforting feeling to know you have an advocate whom you can call at any time with questions or concerns and who doesn't work for any of the insurance companies. She's also a breast cancer survivor and she stayed and chatted with me and Carla for quite awhile before leaving. She was here yesterday with the paperwork. This weekend I'm going to order a final supply of the one drug that I take (for hypothyroid) through Kaiser as I don't know when I'll choose a new primary physician.
There's also been some exciting developments in the field of MS research and treatment. Carla's friend Peter in London sent me an article on a new "cause" of MS - here's a quote:
damage to the nervous system may instead be caused by poor blood flow in narrowed veins in the chest, neck and head. This allows toxins to break through what is known as the blood-brain barrier to attack nerves in the brain. The solution, say surgeons, is to widen the veins with keyhole surgery using a balloon or thin metal tubes known as stents. Both techniques are already used to treat narrowed heart arteries.
The most exciting part is that the article says this surgery has already been performed successfully at Stanford. Thanks to my cousin Dana in Michigan, who is a doctor in internal medicine, I have found a specialist in MS at Stanford with excellent credentials and who is accepting new patients. This is the whole reason I am leaving Kaiser. I am getting zero care for the MS there. They haven't allowed me to have another MRI since my initial ones when I was first diagnosed. How can they tell what is really happening with me without an MRI? Kaiser's response was that since I refused to take the recommended drugs, why bother. Not a good answer as far as I am concerned. There is also a brand new drug just approved by the FDA in January that helps MS patients with their walking - including Secondary Progressive MS patients like myself. All the other drugs are just for Relapsing Remitting patients, which is what I used to have before it changed to Secondary Progressive.
So this is all good.
There's been another new development. I've spoken of the Live Strong, Live Well class that Carla and I took at the local YMCA. We met a wonderful (boy, I use that word a lot - well, why not!) group of people there, all cancer survivors, and I do mean survivors. We've all stayed in touch. We've already had one holiday party and are planning our next party which will be designed around mustard tasting (as opposed to wine tasting). Anyway, Leslie, who was in the class, told me about a support group for people with chronic illnesses that she attends and she said there was at least one person in the group with MS. Trish had been urging me for some time to find a local support group where I could network with people, find out what works for them and what doesn't, etc. Well, this is destiny in action. The meetings take place at the Buddhist Meditation place where my college roommate Andrea took me a year ago - and which is only 5 blocks away! When I realized that, I knew it was meant to be. But I tried very hard not to get my expectations up. I know I tend to do that. So I went yesterday, not expecting much.
I don't even know how to put into words how excited I am about finding this group. I felt like I was home. My soul is still twittering and squealing with happiness. It's not just because we are all facing similar challenges. It's because of who they are, each and every one of them. They are poets and writers, a retired psychologist, artists. They welcomed me right away, made me feel as if I'd known them forever, plus there was so much love in that room - love and compassion and support and understanding and offering of strength - which I felt wash over me and fill and surround my entire inner being. I emailed them immediately upon returning home, sending them links to the recent articles on MS which I had discussed when I told my story (we were seated in a circle and everyone shared their particular stories and how and why they'd joined this group - they did this for me so I could get to know everyone) and I've since been emailing back and forth with one of them. We've been exchanging links and websites and blogs. Some of them are part of a blog called Caring Bridge where cancer patients can post blogs to update their loved ones as to how they are doing. It's beautiful. People in this group have posted poems and articles there and have running journals. I love being part of that. The group meets every Wednesday 1:30-3 so I will try to arrange my work schedule so I can be there as often as possible.
Trish has a big celebration planned for my 65th. We're going to the Sofitel Hotel, a luxury hotel nearby, for two nights. She said the entire stay is her treat - massage, dinners, whatever we end up doing. I'll be Queen For Two Days! I'm really looking forward to it. The last time we did something like that was many many years ago when she had Lasik surgery in Cupertino (around 25 miles south of here) and I went with her and we stayed in a hotel for two nights. I remember lots of giggling took place, as always does when we get together. Then Brenda is hoping to come down at the end of the month for a couple of days of drinking and celebrating - oh boy.
To round out the celebrations, the divorce will become final on March 24th. Then I can truly start my new life.
This is a big longer than usual, but I had too much to say. I'll be posting two photographs. One is of the lovely roses from Brenda. The other is of a surprised that arrived in the mail a couple of days ago from my cousin Susan in upstate New York. She'd found a large photo of our fathers and their sisters and our grandparents taken when the four siblings were young and she had copies made and sent to each of the cousins - to Florida, California, Michigan and New York. What a loving and generous thing to do. I can't wait to frame it and hang it.
I'll legitimately be a Senior Citizen next time I write!
It started with the surprise delivery of a dozen ruby red roses for Valentine's Day from my precious Brenda. What would I do without her. She never allows me to feel neglected or alone or unloved. She literally will not allow it. The roses arrived on Saturday, February 13th, the day I spent with my niece Amy. I hadn't seen Amy for quite a while and it was wonderful to see her. She came armed with a bag full of gluten free food products for me to try. I have promised her I will follow a strict gluten free diet for two weeks (to start after poker night and the following night's birthday extravaganza at Liza's, of course, so I started a week ago Wednesday). We're hoping for two positive results from this - an improvement in both the MS and the bloating I've been struggling with for many years. I've been on the diet for over a week now and I have to admit that I've had very little to no bloating, and the only time I've had bloating is when I mistakenly ate something with wheat in it. As for the MS, I did think there were a couple of days when I had more energy than I usually do, considering the activities I'd been involved in, and I haven't used a cane at all. So it all looks very promising. Thank you, Amy!
The next big event revolves around my turning 65, leaving Kaiser (a very big step for me) and signing up for Medicare. I like my primary doctor there very much, and so I had a final appointment with her last week (I hadn't had a physical since shortly before moving to the carriage house, so I was due). We both got very emotional, exchanged multiple hugs and she wished me luck and all the best. She also ordered a slew of blood tests just for good meansure, and I'm happy to report that every single one of them came out positive.
I did a lot of research on what kind of insurance to get and with which company. I sent out emails to everyone I could think of who might be able to advise me, and I received wonderful, long emails and long distance phone calls from people all over the country telling me of their experiences, their choices and why, things to look out for, etc. This was extremely helpful and I thank everyone. I finally decided on AARP Supplemental Insurance Plan F and Part D Tier 2. I also decided to use an independent agent to help me and I'm so glad I did. A friend and neighbor from Vernal Way recommended her agent, a lovely woman named Connie. Connie confirmed that I'd made the right choice for now, but added that she would check again for me every year and if ever the situation changes such that I would be better off with another company or another plan, she would help me change. In the state of California, there's an open window of enrollment every year between November 15 and December 31st where you can change and no one looks at pre-existing conditions. I feel very good about this. It's a comforting feeling to know you have an advocate whom you can call at any time with questions or concerns and who doesn't work for any of the insurance companies. She's also a breast cancer survivor and she stayed and chatted with me and Carla for quite awhile before leaving. She was here yesterday with the paperwork. This weekend I'm going to order a final supply of the one drug that I take (for hypothyroid) through Kaiser as I don't know when I'll choose a new primary physician.
There's also been some exciting developments in the field of MS research and treatment. Carla's friend Peter in London sent me an article on a new "cause" of MS - here's a quote:
damage to the nervous system may instead be caused by poor blood flow in narrowed veins in the chest, neck and head. This allows toxins to break through what is known as the blood-brain barrier to attack nerves in the brain. The solution, say surgeons, is to widen the veins with keyhole surgery using a balloon or thin metal tubes known as stents. Both techniques are already used to treat narrowed heart arteries.
The most exciting part is that the article says this surgery has already been performed successfully at Stanford. Thanks to my cousin Dana in Michigan, who is a doctor in internal medicine, I have found a specialist in MS at Stanford with excellent credentials and who is accepting new patients. This is the whole reason I am leaving Kaiser. I am getting zero care for the MS there. They haven't allowed me to have another MRI since my initial ones when I was first diagnosed. How can they tell what is really happening with me without an MRI? Kaiser's response was that since I refused to take the recommended drugs, why bother. Not a good answer as far as I am concerned. There is also a brand new drug just approved by the FDA in January that helps MS patients with their walking - including Secondary Progressive MS patients like myself. All the other drugs are just for Relapsing Remitting patients, which is what I used to have before it changed to Secondary Progressive.
So this is all good.
There's been another new development. I've spoken of the Live Strong, Live Well class that Carla and I took at the local YMCA. We met a wonderful (boy, I use that word a lot - well, why not!) group of people there, all cancer survivors, and I do mean survivors. We've all stayed in touch. We've already had one holiday party and are planning our next party which will be designed around mustard tasting (as opposed to wine tasting). Anyway, Leslie, who was in the class, told me about a support group for people with chronic illnesses that she attends and she said there was at least one person in the group with MS. Trish had been urging me for some time to find a local support group where I could network with people, find out what works for them and what doesn't, etc. Well, this is destiny in action. The meetings take place at the Buddhist Meditation place where my college roommate Andrea took me a year ago - and which is only 5 blocks away! When I realized that, I knew it was meant to be. But I tried very hard not to get my expectations up. I know I tend to do that. So I went yesterday, not expecting much.
I don't even know how to put into words how excited I am about finding this group. I felt like I was home. My soul is still twittering and squealing with happiness. It's not just because we are all facing similar challenges. It's because of who they are, each and every one of them. They are poets and writers, a retired psychologist, artists. They welcomed me right away, made me feel as if I'd known them forever, plus there was so much love in that room - love and compassion and support and understanding and offering of strength - which I felt wash over me and fill and surround my entire inner being. I emailed them immediately upon returning home, sending them links to the recent articles on MS which I had discussed when I told my story (we were seated in a circle and everyone shared their particular stories and how and why they'd joined this group - they did this for me so I could get to know everyone) and I've since been emailing back and forth with one of them. We've been exchanging links and websites and blogs. Some of them are part of a blog called Caring Bridge where cancer patients can post blogs to update their loved ones as to how they are doing. It's beautiful. People in this group have posted poems and articles there and have running journals. I love being part of that. The group meets every Wednesday 1:30-3 so I will try to arrange my work schedule so I can be there as often as possible.
Trish has a big celebration planned for my 65th. We're going to the Sofitel Hotel, a luxury hotel nearby, for two nights. She said the entire stay is her treat - massage, dinners, whatever we end up doing. I'll be Queen For Two Days! I'm really looking forward to it. The last time we did something like that was many many years ago when she had Lasik surgery in Cupertino (around 25 miles south of here) and I went with her and we stayed in a hotel for two nights. I remember lots of giggling took place, as always does when we get together. Then Brenda is hoping to come down at the end of the month for a couple of days of drinking and celebrating - oh boy.
To round out the celebrations, the divorce will become final on March 24th. Then I can truly start my new life.
This is a big longer than usual, but I had too much to say. I'll be posting two photographs. One is of the lovely roses from Brenda. The other is of a surprised that arrived in the mail a couple of days ago from my cousin Susan in upstate New York. She'd found a large photo of our fathers and their sisters and our grandparents taken when the four siblings were young and she had copies made and sent to each of the cousins - to Florida, California, Michigan and New York. What a loving and generous thing to do. I can't wait to frame it and hang it.
I'll legitimately be a Senior Citizen next time I write!
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
The year I officially become a senior citizen
This is that year. I turn 65 next month. The last 6 months I've been inundated with sales pitches from insurance companies seeking my business. Now that my birthday is less than a month away, I'm seriously poring through all this pile of brochures and paperwork so that I can make an informed decision. I've pretty much decided to leave Kaiser, the HMO I've been with since 1989. They were great in the beginning, especially during the whole breast cancer journey, but about 10 years ago they started cutting costs and I am not very happy with the care I'm getting (or not getting). I'd been intending to stay with them because of the convenience of having all my doctors and laboratories in one place that's less than 2 miles from where I live, but now that my MS is worsening at such a rapid pace, I realize it's time to become more proactive in my medical care and try to find some good help. It's just so confusing! I thought it would be relatively simple - just choose between AARP and Anthem and sign up for Medicare. But each entity has multiple plans and each plan has several options, and so on. You'd think they'd make it simpler for us senior citizens with dwindling mental capacities. When are we getting that health care reform??!!!
There have been some more sad events. My Uncle Howard Schaeffer died, not too long after my Aunt Anita died. As some might remember, they became surrogate parents for me after my parents died. They always made me feel I had a home with them. I stayed with them when I would visit from Paris and I visited them often in Florida after they moved there. I felt as though I belonged and was part of their family. Losing them has affected me almost more than losing my parents, although that's probably because my parents died so long ago. My cousin Joanie shared with me the eulogies she gave at their respective funerals, which I appreciated because I couldn't go myself. All my other cousins were there, flying in from various points north and west, which was a true testament to how everyone felt about them.
And then suddenly, out of the blue, Jack King died. Jack, who was always there for everyone else. He was one of Elson's oldest friends (old in the number of years they knew each other, not in age, for Jack was only one year older than I am) and was always there for us, ready with his friendship and support. I can't believe he's gone. He'd become Charlton, our son's, right hand man in Charlton's restaurant business and they spent more time together than Charlton had probably ever spent with his father. I don't know what Charlton is going to do now. My heart also breaks for Peggy, Jack's wife (I don't like to use the word "widow"). They were a great couple.
And here I am, still here, even though I never expected to live past 46 (the age of my mother when she died). I seem to be indestructible. I'm withering, though. I tire easily, have trouble walking (except for bursts of brilliance, like at Thanksgiving and also the other night walking from the BART station to Herbst Theatre). Those bursts give me hope, and that's why I want to change doctors.
The divorce is almost final. I filed the last paperwork (the default judgment) last month and if the judge doesn't object or intervene, the divorce will become final March 24th. So March is a pivotal month this year. I of course have mixed feelings. I am still not comfortable with not being at all in contact with Elson. We shared so much for over 30 years. I still think of him when I watch certain tv programs or hear certain music or read an article in the paper - I want to call him and tell him about it. Maybe later this year we can do that. I do know that he's doing well and is moving on. He has a nice apartment, a car, and even a job - working at Costco of all places. Such irony. I'm glad he's doing well. I always knew he would.
I'm still having problems accepting my being cut off from most of the Lui family. It makes no sense to me, and I go back and forth with how I feel about it. Mostly I feel abandoned. Maybe that feeling will never go away.
But I do have a wonderful life. I treasure my new friends - mainly Carla and Liza. What a difference they have made in my life. Maybe I'm being unreasonable, wanting both the old and the new. Maybe I needed to create this space for the new. Maybe that's the way it has to be, for it to work.
Speaking of work, I love my job, but there are problems connected with it. The drive is sometimes debilitating and I don't have any energy for doing anything at all once I get home. The saving grace is that the stickers on the Prius allow me to use the commuter lane, but the stickers expire in January 2011 and then what do I do. Even the stickers sometimes don't help - last Friday it took me an hour and a half to get home when normally it should take 25 minutes. It was raining quite heavily, there was flooding, and all the roads were backed up. It's going to be a rough, wet winter.
The solution is for me to first find additional work here in my neighborhood to supplement my income. As the year progresses, I can figure out what to do with my current job. I'd like to continue there as I like the people and the work, but maybe I could reduce my hours going only two days a week and at easier commute times. However, I can't reduce my hours until I find other work to supplement it. Thus my dilemma. Any suggestions? My talents are bookkeeping, administrative aide, and iTunes and iPod technical support. Not to mention comic relief!
The last subject I would like to comment on is the happiness gene. I am glad to report that I think I have one. No matter what is happening in my life, no matter how upset or distraught I might be, I can always shift immediately into happiness and delight. All it takes is a song, a movie, a play, a book, a friend, a sunset, an apple martini, a good meal, a molasses cookie baked by Carla, a childhood memory shared with my sister, a tv program, a joke in an email, a phone call, a photo of one of my grandchildren, dim sum with family, an impromptu dinner at Liza's, Edwin suddenly joining me and Carla to watch the Golden Globes, an evening with friends......I could go on and on, but the point is that it doesn't take very much to lift me out the doldrums and to have me feel joy and delight. Therefore, I have concluded that I definitely have what I call the happiness gene. And that is what got me through the last few years and enables me to still be here. I feel very lucky to have it. And I will end on that note.
There have been some more sad events. My Uncle Howard Schaeffer died, not too long after my Aunt Anita died. As some might remember, they became surrogate parents for me after my parents died. They always made me feel I had a home with them. I stayed with them when I would visit from Paris and I visited them often in Florida after they moved there. I felt as though I belonged and was part of their family. Losing them has affected me almost more than losing my parents, although that's probably because my parents died so long ago. My cousin Joanie shared with me the eulogies she gave at their respective funerals, which I appreciated because I couldn't go myself. All my other cousins were there, flying in from various points north and west, which was a true testament to how everyone felt about them.
And then suddenly, out of the blue, Jack King died. Jack, who was always there for everyone else. He was one of Elson's oldest friends (old in the number of years they knew each other, not in age, for Jack was only one year older than I am) and was always there for us, ready with his friendship and support. I can't believe he's gone. He'd become Charlton, our son's, right hand man in Charlton's restaurant business and they spent more time together than Charlton had probably ever spent with his father. I don't know what Charlton is going to do now. My heart also breaks for Peggy, Jack's wife (I don't like to use the word "widow"). They were a great couple.
And here I am, still here, even though I never expected to live past 46 (the age of my mother when she died). I seem to be indestructible. I'm withering, though. I tire easily, have trouble walking (except for bursts of brilliance, like at Thanksgiving and also the other night walking from the BART station to Herbst Theatre). Those bursts give me hope, and that's why I want to change doctors.
The divorce is almost final. I filed the last paperwork (the default judgment) last month and if the judge doesn't object or intervene, the divorce will become final March 24th. So March is a pivotal month this year. I of course have mixed feelings. I am still not comfortable with not being at all in contact with Elson. We shared so much for over 30 years. I still think of him when I watch certain tv programs or hear certain music or read an article in the paper - I want to call him and tell him about it. Maybe later this year we can do that. I do know that he's doing well and is moving on. He has a nice apartment, a car, and even a job - working at Costco of all places. Such irony. I'm glad he's doing well. I always knew he would.
I'm still having problems accepting my being cut off from most of the Lui family. It makes no sense to me, and I go back and forth with how I feel about it. Mostly I feel abandoned. Maybe that feeling will never go away.
But I do have a wonderful life. I treasure my new friends - mainly Carla and Liza. What a difference they have made in my life. Maybe I'm being unreasonable, wanting both the old and the new. Maybe I needed to create this space for the new. Maybe that's the way it has to be, for it to work.
Speaking of work, I love my job, but there are problems connected with it. The drive is sometimes debilitating and I don't have any energy for doing anything at all once I get home. The saving grace is that the stickers on the Prius allow me to use the commuter lane, but the stickers expire in January 2011 and then what do I do. Even the stickers sometimes don't help - last Friday it took me an hour and a half to get home when normally it should take 25 minutes. It was raining quite heavily, there was flooding, and all the roads were backed up. It's going to be a rough, wet winter.
The solution is for me to first find additional work here in my neighborhood to supplement my income. As the year progresses, I can figure out what to do with my current job. I'd like to continue there as I like the people and the work, but maybe I could reduce my hours going only two days a week and at easier commute times. However, I can't reduce my hours until I find other work to supplement it. Thus my dilemma. Any suggestions? My talents are bookkeeping, administrative aide, and iTunes and iPod technical support. Not to mention comic relief!
The last subject I would like to comment on is the happiness gene. I am glad to report that I think I have one. No matter what is happening in my life, no matter how upset or distraught I might be, I can always shift immediately into happiness and delight. All it takes is a song, a movie, a play, a book, a friend, a sunset, an apple martini, a good meal, a molasses cookie baked by Carla, a childhood memory shared with my sister, a tv program, a joke in an email, a phone call, a photo of one of my grandchildren, dim sum with family, an impromptu dinner at Liza's, Edwin suddenly joining me and Carla to watch the Golden Globes, an evening with friends......I could go on and on, but the point is that it doesn't take very much to lift me out the doldrums and to have me feel joy and delight. Therefore, I have concluded that I definitely have what I call the happiness gene. And that is what got me through the last few years and enables me to still be here. I feel very lucky to have it. And I will end on that note.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Some fun tidbits
I was a bit serious in yesterday's post, so I thought I'd be a little lighter in this one. As you can see from the photo I posted, Trish and I had some girlie fun last weekend. We first had a pedicure (Trish's treat), which was nice and luxurious. Trish was a little concerned about my sticking my feet in hot water (memories of the famous hot tub incident), but I was careful to tell the pedicurist (is that a word?) to not make it too hot and everything was fine. I especially enjoyed the foot and leg massage. It reminded me that I'm supposed to be massaging my feet every night to improve the circulation. I'm going to try to do that. Trish sent me home with a tube of foot massage cream to help me remember.
Then we went back home and treated ourselves to a mud pack facial. That was fun! We applied the mud with a paint brush - it reminded me of watercoloring - let it dry until it became white and caked, then washed it off with warm water, leaving us with baby smooth skin. What fun.
Trish has now formally and completely moved into Stan's townhouse in El Sobrante. It's further out than Oakland and a longer drive, so I opted to take public transportation. Carla dropped me off at the train station here in Redwood City. I then took the train to Millbrae, where I transferred to BART (our version of an underground) which took me to Oakland where Trish picked me up. It was easy and painless, as the BART car was right across the track from the train and was ready and waiting for me, and only took about an hour.
The trip back, however, was another story. Trish took me to a BART station in Oakland that was bigger and therefore sure to have working elevators (I don't like to take an escalator when I have a suitcase and a cane). Unfortunately, this station had two lower levels, so you had to take two separate elevators, and of course the two elevators were two blocks apart from each other. By the time I got to the relevant track, I was exhausted, plus by taking the second elevator to the lower level I seemed to have bypassed the turnstile where you use your ticket. That unfortunately meant that when I tried to exit the BART car in Millbrae, I couldn't. The turnstile wouldn't accept my ticket because I hadn't used it at the start of the journey and thus the system couldn't figure out what the fare was (I have a senior/disabled card that's 62.5% discounted). I ended up having to walk all the way to the end of the platform where someone let me exit through an official gate. Then I discovered that the track for the southbound trains were on the other side, making it necessary to take an elevator up a level, cross over the tracks, then take another elevator back down to the platform. By the time I did this, dragging my suitcase, my cane, and my legs, I'd missed my train. And the trains only run once an hour. Oy.
The adventure continued in Redwood City where I had to decide whether to take a rogue yellow cab that was allegedly illegal because it was waiting right where you get off the train, or a suspicious white limousine that had tiny tiny lettering saying "American Cab" whose driver was jumping up and down shouting that I shouldn't take the yellow "illegal" cab and should take his. I spent about a minute trying to decide who was the bigger liar and finally opted for the white limo. All's well that ends well. I made it home in one piece. The entire journey took 3 hours. But it's still better than driving in the East Bay which I HATE.
My "cancer class" ended two weeks ago, but we all bonded and have decided to continue to go on the same days at the same time. One of us is also having a holiday party in a few weeks, saying that "since we all had such a good time in class, I'm sure we'll have an equally good time at a party." Everyone is very supportive of everyone else, and it almost feels like another village. I'm not lifting as much weight as I did before, however, due to some pains in my shoulder and those bruised ribs, but I plan on getting back up there soon. I'll let you know when I do.
However, I still miss the people from my exercise class at Canada College and so will continue to drop in there now and again. After Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday (which was a wonderful, fun occasion at Stan's sister's house), I went for a vigorous walk with my sister and Stan's two sisters and was surprised and thrilled at how well I did. It gives me hope for being able to do the walk in class. Of course, I always do better at night - I've begun to think I must have some Vampire blood in me. After all, my ancestors do come from someplace in Russia. Weren't there vampires there as well?
Speaking of Stan's family, they have welcomed me into their fold and accepted me as part of the family, along with Trish. So that's another family I can count on. The riches just keep increasing!
That's all, folks.
Then we went back home and treated ourselves to a mud pack facial. That was fun! We applied the mud with a paint brush - it reminded me of watercoloring - let it dry until it became white and caked, then washed it off with warm water, leaving us with baby smooth skin. What fun.
Trish has now formally and completely moved into Stan's townhouse in El Sobrante. It's further out than Oakland and a longer drive, so I opted to take public transportation. Carla dropped me off at the train station here in Redwood City. I then took the train to Millbrae, where I transferred to BART (our version of an underground) which took me to Oakland where Trish picked me up. It was easy and painless, as the BART car was right across the track from the train and was ready and waiting for me, and only took about an hour.
The trip back, however, was another story. Trish took me to a BART station in Oakland that was bigger and therefore sure to have working elevators (I don't like to take an escalator when I have a suitcase and a cane). Unfortunately, this station had two lower levels, so you had to take two separate elevators, and of course the two elevators were two blocks apart from each other. By the time I got to the relevant track, I was exhausted, plus by taking the second elevator to the lower level I seemed to have bypassed the turnstile where you use your ticket. That unfortunately meant that when I tried to exit the BART car in Millbrae, I couldn't. The turnstile wouldn't accept my ticket because I hadn't used it at the start of the journey and thus the system couldn't figure out what the fare was (I have a senior/disabled card that's 62.5% discounted). I ended up having to walk all the way to the end of the platform where someone let me exit through an official gate. Then I discovered that the track for the southbound trains were on the other side, making it necessary to take an elevator up a level, cross over the tracks, then take another elevator back down to the platform. By the time I did this, dragging my suitcase, my cane, and my legs, I'd missed my train. And the trains only run once an hour. Oy.
The adventure continued in Redwood City where I had to decide whether to take a rogue yellow cab that was allegedly illegal because it was waiting right where you get off the train, or a suspicious white limousine that had tiny tiny lettering saying "American Cab" whose driver was jumping up and down shouting that I shouldn't take the yellow "illegal" cab and should take his. I spent about a minute trying to decide who was the bigger liar and finally opted for the white limo. All's well that ends well. I made it home in one piece. The entire journey took 3 hours. But it's still better than driving in the East Bay which I HATE.
My "cancer class" ended two weeks ago, but we all bonded and have decided to continue to go on the same days at the same time. One of us is also having a holiday party in a few weeks, saying that "since we all had such a good time in class, I'm sure we'll have an equally good time at a party." Everyone is very supportive of everyone else, and it almost feels like another village. I'm not lifting as much weight as I did before, however, due to some pains in my shoulder and those bruised ribs, but I plan on getting back up there soon. I'll let you know when I do.
However, I still miss the people from my exercise class at Canada College and so will continue to drop in there now and again. After Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday (which was a wonderful, fun occasion at Stan's sister's house), I went for a vigorous walk with my sister and Stan's two sisters and was surprised and thrilled at how well I did. It gives me hope for being able to do the walk in class. Of course, I always do better at night - I've begun to think I must have some Vampire blood in me. After all, my ancestors do come from someplace in Russia. Weren't there vampires there as well?
Speaking of Stan's family, they have welcomed me into their fold and accepted me as part of the family, along with Trish. So that's another family I can count on. The riches just keep increasing!
That's all, folks.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Giving Thanks
Thanksgiving was this past Thursday and as the name implies, it has caused me to look back over the past two years and think about both what I have to give thanks for and also what I need to let go of. It was two years ago this month that Elson was arrested and my life suddenly changed overnight. My life had been in limbo for quite some time, but this was a definitive event that I knew meant some huge changes. It's been quite a ride. There have been some highs and there have been some lows. I am hugely thankful to My Village that has been there for me throughout this journey, their arms held out to catch me when I've been about to fall, to support me, to advise me, to remind me of what I knew to be true but which at times I seemed to forget, to let me know that I was loved, to help me get past my fears of the unknown, and to help me celebrate and enjoy the new happinesses and joys in my new life. It seems that every day I call on them for one thing or another, and they are always there. They know who they are.
Elson has been out of prison for almost two months now and I have not heard one word from him. This was kind of a shock for me. I had not expected this. However, I am learning to accept it and to move on. It is after all for the best. It just seems so strange and cold, after 31 years together. But it is what it is. The only Lui's I have any contact with anymore are Brenda (who is a quasi Lui, or an ex-Lui), Linda Lui (another ex-Lui -- hmm, is there a pattern here?), Charlton, Janet and Kent, Kimberly, and Cameron and Devon. It is not what I expected or hoped, and it is at times still hard for me to digest. However, I have wonderful grandchildren who hopefully still think of me as their grandma.
It has given me cause for thought however. I have been searching for a family to be a part of ever since my father died. My sister has too. We never really felt part of a family growing up (that's another story and for another blog). We both found ourselves watching tv programs like Eight Is Enough and Family, yearning for something like that. We never had it with each other. We've always been estranged until recently. When I was with Trish over the weekend, she showed me an autograph book she had from when she'd left grammar school. There were comments in it not only from her friends and classmates, but also from each of our parents - but nothing from me. Even back then we weren't close; we weren't even friendly. I would embrace and become "adopted" by the families of all the boys I dated. I even adopted France as my home country and wanted to live there forever. And then I met Elson and I felt like I could stop searching.
Why am I going into all this now? Because I think for the first time I'm beginning to not only understand the meaning of family, but I am also truly experiencing it. I am experiencing it with Trish. She commented that she was happy and touched that I had chosen to spend Thanksgiving with her and Stan when I could have stayed home and spent it with Carla and Liza, which would have been so much easier for me since I had only to cross the street. My response to her was that of course I would spend it with her - she's my FAMILY.
I have two other families. I have my family consisting of My Village and other close friends. They see me as I am, love me as I am, have been with me through it all,and I know we'll be friends forever. There will be no sudden cutting me out of their lives.
My other family is here with Carla and the friends I've made through her, particularly Liza. I truly do feel like I'm part of a family with them. I haven't had this with friends since the old days in San Francisco, pre-Elson, with Kate, Larry, Richard and Rick and Dick and Dan. We had a wonderful family then, and we're all still close, except for Larry and Dick who passed away and Dan who retreated after Dick died.
N.B. I just heard from my French cousin Martine in Paris who had read my blog and she wrote to me "Don't forget that you have family who think of you in France and who love and admire you". How could I have forgotten them? It has been a love affair between us (Martine and her husband Jean-Christophe and their children and Martine's parents Francoise and Jacques - Francoise is my father's cousin). So I have four families! How rich can one be?
So I have a lot to be thankful for. One door closes and another one opens. Even though I'm still hurt by what has happened, I can smile through my tears as I consider my new life.
Other random news bits: my wonderful Aunt Anita Schaeffer has died. Many people remember her as the one who became like a mother to me after my parents died (along with my uncle Howie, who has been struggling with his health for years). Her passing leaves a large hole in my heart. I never really felt like an "orphan" because I always knew they were there for me. I owe them so much. I couldn't fly back to Florida for the funeral, but I did keep in close touch with my cousin Joanie.
That additional bookkeeping job didn't pan out - he never returned my calls. Trish keeps reminding me of how well everything has worked out so far and to just keep trusting that it will continue to work out. I'm letting everyone know that I'm looking.
My health is about the same, except for a nasty fall I took at work where I tripped on a loose rug and bruised my ribs. I've never had bruised ribs before and now I can empathize with people. It takes a long time to heal.
The holidays are fast approaching. This will be my second holiday season in my new home and my new life. I was slightly apprehensive last year, wondering how I would spend it. I'm not worried this year. I know whatever I do, I will be with people whom I love and who love me. And I think that is a good note on which to end this posting.
Elson has been out of prison for almost two months now and I have not heard one word from him. This was kind of a shock for me. I had not expected this. However, I am learning to accept it and to move on. It is after all for the best. It just seems so strange and cold, after 31 years together. But it is what it is. The only Lui's I have any contact with anymore are Brenda (who is a quasi Lui, or an ex-Lui), Linda Lui (another ex-Lui -- hmm, is there a pattern here?), Charlton, Janet and Kent, Kimberly, and Cameron and Devon. It is not what I expected or hoped, and it is at times still hard for me to digest. However, I have wonderful grandchildren who hopefully still think of me as their grandma.
It has given me cause for thought however. I have been searching for a family to be a part of ever since my father died. My sister has too. We never really felt part of a family growing up (that's another story and for another blog). We both found ourselves watching tv programs like Eight Is Enough and Family, yearning for something like that. We never had it with each other. We've always been estranged until recently. When I was with Trish over the weekend, she showed me an autograph book she had from when she'd left grammar school. There were comments in it not only from her friends and classmates, but also from each of our parents - but nothing from me. Even back then we weren't close; we weren't even friendly. I would embrace and become "adopted" by the families of all the boys I dated. I even adopted France as my home country and wanted to live there forever. And then I met Elson and I felt like I could stop searching.
Why am I going into all this now? Because I think for the first time I'm beginning to not only understand the meaning of family, but I am also truly experiencing it. I am experiencing it with Trish. She commented that she was happy and touched that I had chosen to spend Thanksgiving with her and Stan when I could have stayed home and spent it with Carla and Liza, which would have been so much easier for me since I had only to cross the street. My response to her was that of course I would spend it with her - she's my FAMILY.
I have two other families. I have my family consisting of My Village and other close friends. They see me as I am, love me as I am, have been with me through it all,and I know we'll be friends forever. There will be no sudden cutting me out of their lives.
My other family is here with Carla and the friends I've made through her, particularly Liza. I truly do feel like I'm part of a family with them. I haven't had this with friends since the old days in San Francisco, pre-Elson, with Kate, Larry, Richard and Rick and Dick and Dan. We had a wonderful family then, and we're all still close, except for Larry and Dick who passed away and Dan who retreated after Dick died.
N.B. I just heard from my French cousin Martine in Paris who had read my blog and she wrote to me "Don't forget that you have family who think of you in France and who love and admire you". How could I have forgotten them? It has been a love affair between us (Martine and her husband Jean-Christophe and their children and Martine's parents Francoise and Jacques - Francoise is my father's cousin). So I have four families! How rich can one be?
So I have a lot to be thankful for. One door closes and another one opens. Even though I'm still hurt by what has happened, I can smile through my tears as I consider my new life.
Other random news bits: my wonderful Aunt Anita Schaeffer has died. Many people remember her as the one who became like a mother to me after my parents died (along with my uncle Howie, who has been struggling with his health for years). Her passing leaves a large hole in my heart. I never really felt like an "orphan" because I always knew they were there for me. I owe them so much. I couldn't fly back to Florida for the funeral, but I did keep in close touch with my cousin Joanie.
That additional bookkeeping job didn't pan out - he never returned my calls. Trish keeps reminding me of how well everything has worked out so far and to just keep trusting that it will continue to work out. I'm letting everyone know that I'm looking.
My health is about the same, except for a nasty fall I took at work where I tripped on a loose rug and bruised my ribs. I've never had bruised ribs before and now I can empathize with people. It takes a long time to heal.
The holidays are fast approaching. This will be my second holiday season in my new home and my new life. I was slightly apprehensive last year, wondering how I would spend it. I'm not worried this year. I know whatever I do, I will be with people whom I love and who love me. And I think that is a good note on which to end this posting.
Monday, October 12, 2009
New Chapter
A new chapter has begun in both of our lives - in mine and in Elson's. He got out Friday - freedom finally,fresh air, Chinese food, people to talk to, large screen tv,comfortable shoes, a real bed, privacy - all things we take for granted and all things he hasn't had since January 16, 2008. Our wonderful son-in-law Kent drove down from Sacramento, only to do a u-turn to take Elson back up to Sacramento for the flight to Seattle. Deja and her significant other drove from San Jose to be there at Atwater for Elson's release, and also drove up to Sacramento in their car for the flight to Seattle. There was a family reunion (all 3 kids with Kent representing Janet), two of the grandkids. Elson is now ensconced at Charlton's and comfortably settled in, from what I hear. I'm happy for him. I think it's the best scenario of all scenarios that could have taken place, and everyone agrees with me. He will have surgery for his hernia, which has gotten quite large, in the next month, as well as surgery for his cataracts. Finally - good medical care. And lots of Chinese food. Let's keep our priorities straight, after all.
And life goes on for me. I wasn't sure how I would feel over this weekend, but I got through it ok. It's a bit strange to have him be out, and for us not to be together, but I know it's what's best for both of us. I'm lucky in that by the time it happened, I'd already settled into my new life. I spent a quiet weekend, resting, doing things with Carla, reading, watching tv, communing with my couch.
I've had a referral for a new part-time position as a bookkeeper for a local small company located in the town next to Redwood City. I've left him a voicemail message, but haven't heard back yet. I hope to hear soon. If that doesn't work out, I'll start putting the word out seriously and also look on Craigs List. I've been hit with some serious capital gains taxes, so I need to start supplementing my current income Pronto.
I don't think I've mentioned the wonderful gift from PG&E that Carla and I received a couple of months ago. Someone from their CARE program came out and inspected the premises and interviewed us, the result of which is that they replaced the 35 year old non-defrosting refrigerator up here with a brand new one from Sears. It's gorgeous and bright and has a large, sparkling freezer that is frost free. It's such a treat to put things in it and know that they'll be edible and not covered with bits of snow when I take them out, not to mention not having to defrost it every few weeks. They also winterized Carla's doors and windows, plugging up any leaks, did something with the insulation in the attic, and did something with the furnace. I don't know what they did exactly, but now when Carla turns the heat on, my apartment gets nice and toasty almost immediately. It's lovely. Just in time for our early winter. And to cap it all off, they replaced one of my torchiere lamps with a safer one that exactly matches my other one. How lucky can one be.
There's exciting news regarding the class I'm taking at the Y. Today I lifted the equivalent of 10,850 pounds! When I first started the class, I was lifting the equivalent of 2,450. It's been increasing every time as I both increase the repititions I do and also increase the weight, and I can feel the difference in my legs. I'm Super Woman!
And life goes on for me. I wasn't sure how I would feel over this weekend, but I got through it ok. It's a bit strange to have him be out, and for us not to be together, but I know it's what's best for both of us. I'm lucky in that by the time it happened, I'd already settled into my new life. I spent a quiet weekend, resting, doing things with Carla, reading, watching tv, communing with my couch.
I've had a referral for a new part-time position as a bookkeeper for a local small company located in the town next to Redwood City. I've left him a voicemail message, but haven't heard back yet. I hope to hear soon. If that doesn't work out, I'll start putting the word out seriously and also look on Craigs List. I've been hit with some serious capital gains taxes, so I need to start supplementing my current income Pronto.
I don't think I've mentioned the wonderful gift from PG&E that Carla and I received a couple of months ago. Someone from their CARE program came out and inspected the premises and interviewed us, the result of which is that they replaced the 35 year old non-defrosting refrigerator up here with a brand new one from Sears. It's gorgeous and bright and has a large, sparkling freezer that is frost free. It's such a treat to put things in it and know that they'll be edible and not covered with bits of snow when I take them out, not to mention not having to defrost it every few weeks. They also winterized Carla's doors and windows, plugging up any leaks, did something with the insulation in the attic, and did something with the furnace. I don't know what they did exactly, but now when Carla turns the heat on, my apartment gets nice and toasty almost immediately. It's lovely. Just in time for our early winter. And to cap it all off, they replaced one of my torchiere lamps with a safer one that exactly matches my other one. How lucky can one be.
There's exciting news regarding the class I'm taking at the Y. Today I lifted the equivalent of 10,850 pounds! When I first started the class, I was lifting the equivalent of 2,450. It's been increasing every time as I both increase the repititions I do and also increase the weight, and I can feel the difference in my legs. I'm Super Woman!
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Another Milestone
It's been over 5 months since I last posted and a lot has happened since then. The milestone referred to in the title is that I finally filed the petition for the divorce and served the papers to Elson in prison. He'd opted not to get early release to a halfway house in July and so is getting out on his official release date, October 9, less than a week from now. It's been a very rough one and a half years for him - I can't imagine what it's been like - and I'm happy for him that he's finally getting out. We still talk once a week and it's friendly and civil. The good part about having delayed for so long getting this done is that it's given him time to accept it and get used to the idea. He received the papers on Sept 23rd and immediately sent me back the required Acknowledgment of Receipt form which I then filed with the court along with the Proof of Service of Summons. After 30 days (10/23) the 6 month clock starts ticking, after which the divorce becomes final. Hopefully all goes smoothly as planned.
Another major new development is that immediately upon his release this Friday Elson is getting on a plane, along with Deja and our son-in-law Kent and flying to Seattle where he will then live with Charlton. After several months with Charlton, he will hopefully have found an apartment nearby that will accept him. This is the best arrangement for both of us. It's going to be a hard adjustment to be living apart once he's out of prison and it will make it easier if he's out of the area. He'll also be near not only Charlton but also Brenda and the two boys. It's the best of the best scenarios.
As for me, I love my new life. The bookkeeping job at the nonprofit has become permanent. I work 3 days a week, from 10-10:30 to anywhere between 5 and 7 PM. I'm usually pretty exhausted by the time I get home, so I don't do much during the week. I spend most of my weekends with Carla and Liza, who have become very close friends. I used to see Trish every two weeks, but it's gotten much less frequent due to my work schedule and her love life. She's in the process of moving in with her boyfriend and spends every weekend with him getting his house ready for her. She's coming here this Tuesday for two nights though (first time here in a long time) and we're both looking forward to that. I still plan to look for additional bookkeeping work locally that wouldn't involve a commute, but haven't had the energy to do that yet. My current job doesn't cover my monthly expenses so I will have to get cracking on that in the new year. I'm not doing loans anymore. It's become too difficult due to the new regulations (resulting from a panicked government that seems to be blaming mortgage brokers for the financial crisis) and I also don't have the energy. I spend a huge portion of my free time crashed on my lovely new couch (purchased from the former tenant).
Another big change in my life involves my exercise program. After 20 years, I have stopped taking the exercise class at the local college. It was a hard decision because I'd made a lot of friends there who had become almost like family, but I couldn't go on the days I worked and I didn't have the energy to go on the days I didn't work. HOWEVER, there is a happy ending to this story. Carla and I have joined the local YMCA which is less than 2 miles from our home. The best thing about the "Y" is that I can go anytime up until 10 PM during the week and 5 or 6 on the weekends. With the other class, if I couldn't get up in time for the 7:45 AM class during the week, then that was it. I usually go the "Y" after work on Fridays, and on either Saturday or Sunday. The other two times I go are on Monday and Wednesday, the two days I don't work. Now here's where it gets really interesting. This is another example of how the Universe has been providing for and looking out for me. Carla and I visited the "Y" for the first time end of July, and the woman giving us the tour told us about a 3-month free class called Live Strong Live Well, sponsored by Stanford University, available for cancer patients and cancer survivors, that would be starting up again on August 24th - just in time for us! The class is not only free, but there are no monthly membership fees for the "Y" during those 3 months. Carla and I also applied for financial assistance with the membership and we both got it - the sign-up fee was waived and our monthly fee, when we do pay it, will only be $25.50 instead of $70. What a deal! The class has been great. There are two personal trainers working with us (there are 12 people in the class)and they've set us up on a series of weight bearing machines. I'm using only 11 of the 14 machines because of my shoulder issues. The machines are all computerized so that when we enter our unique code at each machine, a screen shows us our personal settings so we don't have to remember them. Not only that, but when we log out at the mother ship, it tells us the equivalent of how many pounds we've lifted in that session and to date. When I started a month ago, little weakling that I was, I was lifting the equivalent of 2450 pounds in a session. When I went this past Friday evening, I lifted the equivalent of 7950 pounds. Progress! I've gradually been increasing the weight I'm lifting at each machine plus the number of repititions that I do. I can feel the difference in my legs - they're definitely getting stronger, as are my arms. Carla and I were up in Sonoma County a couple of weekends ago visiting her daughter who'd invited us for the weekend and for the Blues Festival and on Saturday I walked over an hour without my legs giving out. That's the longest I've walked for a long time - usually my legs would give out after only 20 minutes.
However, my legs do still get weak after certain exertions, like vacuuming or running errands. My hands are gradually losing strength making it difficult to write or eat. I try to remember to squeeze a rubber ball while watching tv to help strengthen them. I have to pace myself and not plan too many activities too many days in a row. So some things are getting better because of the class and some things are still the same.
In addition to the machines, we spend around 15 minutes at the end of each class being shown certain breathing exercises or flexibility or balance exercises. It's a great class and I feel so lucky to be part of it. I'm also taking advantage of all the free classes available at the "Y". I've taken several Tai Chi classes, a beginner's Pilates class, and even a spinning class (I didn't do very well, couldn't stand up on the bike, and had to leave after a half hour - but at least I tried it!). Joining the "Y" is one of the best things I've ever done, and I keep pinching myself that it's so close to home. The people in the class have bonded and some of us are talking of getting together socially outside of class. Everyone is very upbeat and positive, no matter what the stage of their cancer is.
Speaking of cancer, Carla has now finished her several months of chemotherapy, and the bone marrow test and MRI done last week showed positive results. They are recommending she do a bone marrow transplant, though, and she is looking into that, although she's not very receptive to the idea (I don't blame her).
I still am totally in love with my apartment. Sometimes I just sit on the couch and look around me and feel so happy. On August 8th I celebrated my one year anniversary here with Carla and Liza, Liza's husband Frank and Edwin. Liza made cockles she'd gotten at Costco, they brought champagne, I also provided champage plus cheese and pate and crackers. We toasted my happy arrival here and to many more happy years. It's hard for me to remember how I felt a year and a half ago - the panic, despair, fear, the wracking sobs in the middle of the night, the hopelessness - they're just words now. Trish kept telling me to have faith, that everything would work out, that I didn't have to figure it all out and picture it at that moment, and she was right. Now when I think about the fact that I need to earn more money and find additional work, I'm not trying to figure out how it will happen, I'm just knowing that it will.
Elson gets out this Friday and thus we will both enter an entirely new chapter of our life together. We first met 32 years ago this Thursday, and October 21st would have been our 31st anniversary. That's a long time, some of it very good, some of it very bad. We will always be connected in some way. That is not necessarily a bad thing, not if I remain strong and secure in who I am. I feel confident that I will. I'm very comfortable with who I am now. When I was a young girl, I couldn't accept that anyone could not like me. I found out this girl in my class didn't like me and it bothered me to no end, kept me up nights, even though I didn't particularly like her! Well, Arlene and Wayne no longer speak to me, Deja doesn't speak to me, Charlton's new girlfriend doesn't seem particularly crazy about me......and it's all ok. I don't focus on the negative anymore - as the song goes, I accentuate the positive.
I just reread this post, and I see that I use the word "energy" a lot. That's my biggest problem resulting from the MS - lack of energy, or the impact on my energy leve. I'm hoping the class will help with this too.
Speaking of energy, I think this is more than enough for one post!
Another major new development is that immediately upon his release this Friday Elson is getting on a plane, along with Deja and our son-in-law Kent and flying to Seattle where he will then live with Charlton. After several months with Charlton, he will hopefully have found an apartment nearby that will accept him. This is the best arrangement for both of us. It's going to be a hard adjustment to be living apart once he's out of prison and it will make it easier if he's out of the area. He'll also be near not only Charlton but also Brenda and the two boys. It's the best of the best scenarios.
As for me, I love my new life. The bookkeeping job at the nonprofit has become permanent. I work 3 days a week, from 10-10:30 to anywhere between 5 and 7 PM. I'm usually pretty exhausted by the time I get home, so I don't do much during the week. I spend most of my weekends with Carla and Liza, who have become very close friends. I used to see Trish every two weeks, but it's gotten much less frequent due to my work schedule and her love life. She's in the process of moving in with her boyfriend and spends every weekend with him getting his house ready for her. She's coming here this Tuesday for two nights though (first time here in a long time) and we're both looking forward to that. I still plan to look for additional bookkeeping work locally that wouldn't involve a commute, but haven't had the energy to do that yet. My current job doesn't cover my monthly expenses so I will have to get cracking on that in the new year. I'm not doing loans anymore. It's become too difficult due to the new regulations (resulting from a panicked government that seems to be blaming mortgage brokers for the financial crisis) and I also don't have the energy. I spend a huge portion of my free time crashed on my lovely new couch (purchased from the former tenant).
Another big change in my life involves my exercise program. After 20 years, I have stopped taking the exercise class at the local college. It was a hard decision because I'd made a lot of friends there who had become almost like family, but I couldn't go on the days I worked and I didn't have the energy to go on the days I didn't work. HOWEVER, there is a happy ending to this story. Carla and I have joined the local YMCA which is less than 2 miles from our home. The best thing about the "Y" is that I can go anytime up until 10 PM during the week and 5 or 6 on the weekends. With the other class, if I couldn't get up in time for the 7:45 AM class during the week, then that was it. I usually go the "Y" after work on Fridays, and on either Saturday or Sunday. The other two times I go are on Monday and Wednesday, the two days I don't work. Now here's where it gets really interesting. This is another example of how the Universe has been providing for and looking out for me. Carla and I visited the "Y" for the first time end of July, and the woman giving us the tour told us about a 3-month free class called Live Strong Live Well, sponsored by Stanford University, available for cancer patients and cancer survivors, that would be starting up again on August 24th - just in time for us! The class is not only free, but there are no monthly membership fees for the "Y" during those 3 months. Carla and I also applied for financial assistance with the membership and we both got it - the sign-up fee was waived and our monthly fee, when we do pay it, will only be $25.50 instead of $70. What a deal! The class has been great. There are two personal trainers working with us (there are 12 people in the class)and they've set us up on a series of weight bearing machines. I'm using only 11 of the 14 machines because of my shoulder issues. The machines are all computerized so that when we enter our unique code at each machine, a screen shows us our personal settings so we don't have to remember them. Not only that, but when we log out at the mother ship, it tells us the equivalent of how many pounds we've lifted in that session and to date. When I started a month ago, little weakling that I was, I was lifting the equivalent of 2450 pounds in a session. When I went this past Friday evening, I lifted the equivalent of 7950 pounds. Progress! I've gradually been increasing the weight I'm lifting at each machine plus the number of repititions that I do. I can feel the difference in my legs - they're definitely getting stronger, as are my arms. Carla and I were up in Sonoma County a couple of weekends ago visiting her daughter who'd invited us for the weekend and for the Blues Festival and on Saturday I walked over an hour without my legs giving out. That's the longest I've walked for a long time - usually my legs would give out after only 20 minutes.
However, my legs do still get weak after certain exertions, like vacuuming or running errands. My hands are gradually losing strength making it difficult to write or eat. I try to remember to squeeze a rubber ball while watching tv to help strengthen them. I have to pace myself and not plan too many activities too many days in a row. So some things are getting better because of the class and some things are still the same.
In addition to the machines, we spend around 15 minutes at the end of each class being shown certain breathing exercises or flexibility or balance exercises. It's a great class and I feel so lucky to be part of it. I'm also taking advantage of all the free classes available at the "Y". I've taken several Tai Chi classes, a beginner's Pilates class, and even a spinning class (I didn't do very well, couldn't stand up on the bike, and had to leave after a half hour - but at least I tried it!). Joining the "Y" is one of the best things I've ever done, and I keep pinching myself that it's so close to home. The people in the class have bonded and some of us are talking of getting together socially outside of class. Everyone is very upbeat and positive, no matter what the stage of their cancer is.
Speaking of cancer, Carla has now finished her several months of chemotherapy, and the bone marrow test and MRI done last week showed positive results. They are recommending she do a bone marrow transplant, though, and she is looking into that, although she's not very receptive to the idea (I don't blame her).
I still am totally in love with my apartment. Sometimes I just sit on the couch and look around me and feel so happy. On August 8th I celebrated my one year anniversary here with Carla and Liza, Liza's husband Frank and Edwin. Liza made cockles she'd gotten at Costco, they brought champagne, I also provided champage plus cheese and pate and crackers. We toasted my happy arrival here and to many more happy years. It's hard for me to remember how I felt a year and a half ago - the panic, despair, fear, the wracking sobs in the middle of the night, the hopelessness - they're just words now. Trish kept telling me to have faith, that everything would work out, that I didn't have to figure it all out and picture it at that moment, and she was right. Now when I think about the fact that I need to earn more money and find additional work, I'm not trying to figure out how it will happen, I'm just knowing that it will.
Elson gets out this Friday and thus we will both enter an entirely new chapter of our life together. We first met 32 years ago this Thursday, and October 21st would have been our 31st anniversary. That's a long time, some of it very good, some of it very bad. We will always be connected in some way. That is not necessarily a bad thing, not if I remain strong and secure in who I am. I feel confident that I will. I'm very comfortable with who I am now. When I was a young girl, I couldn't accept that anyone could not like me. I found out this girl in my class didn't like me and it bothered me to no end, kept me up nights, even though I didn't particularly like her! Well, Arlene and Wayne no longer speak to me, Deja doesn't speak to me, Charlton's new girlfriend doesn't seem particularly crazy about me......and it's all ok. I don't focus on the negative anymore - as the song goes, I accentuate the positive.
I just reread this post, and I see that I use the word "energy" a lot. That's my biggest problem resulting from the MS - lack of energy, or the impact on my energy leve. I'm hoping the class will help with this too.
Speaking of energy, I think this is more than enough for one post!
Saturday, April 25, 2009
I Got A Job!
I can't believe it's been 2 months since I last posted on this blog. It's been a very full 2 months though. I'll start with the exciting news that I have a new job. And it happened just as I said it would - it just fell into place without my doing anything. I did apply for several jobs online (tutoring, editing, etc.) but never heard anything back. I also had a free consultation through the Redwood City library on updating my resume. In the meantime, I continued doing mortgages (I've closed two now and am working on two more) and started working part-time for Carla's friend Edwin who has an estate sale company. Carla and her whole group of friends work for and with Edwin (some get paid, some just volunteer because they don't need the money) and I kept hearing about the great times they had and the wonderful finds they would bring home for either nothing or next to nothing. Carla would even bring me things that she thought I would like. Then Carla had surgery on her right hand beginning of February and couldn't work at the sale Edwin had that month. I offered to help out in her place, which I did, and I loved it and was happily surprised and thrilled when I even got paid for it. I brought a whole bag of things home with me, and even sold my fur coats that the estate sale company I had used had not been able to sell. I liked working there, and they liked having me work there, and so I have been added to the group. I'm at the bottom of the list and so only get to work when someone else can't make it, but that's ok. I've worked at one other sale (last weekend) and also sporadically in between sales helping pack up and unpack boxes.
The JOB, though, is something entirely different. A friend of Liza's (Liza lives across the street, is Carla's closest friend and hosts the Poker Night parties once a month) is the executive director of a non-profit agency that helps abused and neglected children. Her name is Vickie and the agency is called Child Advocates of Silicon Valley (www.BeMyAdvocate.org). Their bookkeeper suddenly quit two weeks ago and Vickie was desperately searching for a replacement and Liza recommended she call me. I started there a week ago Friday. The only negative is that it involves a commute - it's 22 miles away in Silicon Valley and I have to take the horrible 101 Freeway to get there. But I get to pick my hours, so I've been going in around 10-10:30 and leaving at either 3:30 or 6:30, so I avoid the busy commute times. Even if I did travel during the rush hours, I would be able to drive in the commuter lane because I have a Prius. I'm working part-time, about 3 days a week, and I love it. It's a bit challenging, because I only got to spend 4 hours with the person I'm replacing before she left. It's a little bit of hit or miss. But I like the people, and I've always liked bookkeeping, and I like having a job and going into an office. It's funny, because this is exactly what I was doing 32 years ago when I met Elson. I'd quit my corporate job and had my own freelance bookkeeping company with several small businesses as clients. I hope to eventually add some more clients that are located closer to home. I don't know whether this will be a permanent position. Vickie was very open with me that they might end up outsourcing it. I'm just enjoying it while I have it, and it's serving the great purpose of allowing me to refresh myself in this field plus learn to use the software that everyone seems to be using these days. It was all done manually 32 years ago.
So, my life consists of the job in Milpitas, working on loans, working estate sales, exercising when I can, seeing friends, seeing Trish and spending time with Carla. We became really close when she had her operation. I spent a lot of time with her, helping her, doing things for her, etc. She had just started to recover the use of her hand and to become active again when she started experiencing debilitating pain in her back and legs. I'm not going to go through the whole story, because it's a long one and very upsetting, but the upshot is that her doctors were wrong when they told her it was not related to her cancer (she'd been in remission from multiple myeloma) and that it was sciatica. She wasted two months going from doctor to doctor and trying all kinds of pain medications. She finally had an MRI 10 days ago that isolated a tumor and they rushed her into a 10 day treatment of radiation. They knew they had blown it. We got copies of the CT scan and bone survey she'd had done in December and it mentioned the probable connection to her cancer on both of them. Her last radiation treatment was on Thursday. I accompanied her to the appointment, spoke with her doctor, and then took her out for a celebratory lunch. She leaves on Wednesday for England to attend a wedding and spend two weeks vacation. She certainly deserves it.
I know everyone wants to know what's happening with the divorce. Well, Trish accompanied me to a free workshop in Redwood City on doing your own divorce and I left with the paperwork partially filled in. I'm working on finishing it now. Elson has chosen not to accept early release to a halfway house because he heard how horrible they are, and is now applying for early release in July to home detention. A law was passed in February of this year authorizing early release to homes for prisoners of non-violent crimes once they've served 75% of their sentences (that would be July 15 for Elson). Hopefully they will accept an apartment near Deja as a suitable home for this. I speak to Elson about once a week. He has accepted the divorce, takes full responsibility for what went wrong in our marriage, and we have very civil conversations. I still care about him, always will and want nothing but the best for him. I know it's going to be very difficult for him once he gets out. I know it's not my problem (as everyone keeps telling me) but that doesn't mean I'm not concerned. I'm glad that his kids have been so supportive and will be there for him when he gets out. Deja visits him once a month and has brought Roxy (age 19)twice, Charlton visits as often as he can and has brought the boys (ages 10 and 15) a couple of times, and Kent has visited from Sacramento several times with Kristopher (age 14).
I still love my apartment. I finally unpacked all the CDs and not only did they fit on the racks that I brought, but there's room for more! I play my music often - sometimes on the PC, sometimes on the iPod on the special mp3 speakers I brought with me, sometimes on the CD player, and sometimes I just listen on my headphones to the iPod or my cell phone. Music is still a very important part of my life. The garden is starting to bloom again and the wisteria is starting to grow back on my balcony. Carla has given me several gorgeous bouquets of flowers from the garden to put in my apartment. I've started to cook again, beginning with Larry Negri's recipe for Dijon chicken. It was delicious. I made it for Trish one time when she stayed with me. I'm looking forward to working my way through Larry's recipes.
The MS is about the same as the last time I wrote. My legs get tired after I walk around 20 minutes, so I can't do too many errands at one time. I still haven't gone back to the way I was before the infamous hot tub incident, but I'm not as bad I was the two months after it.
That's about it. Life is good. I don't stress about things anymore, I go with the flow as they say, and let things happen. And they do. In a good way.
The JOB, though, is something entirely different. A friend of Liza's (Liza lives across the street, is Carla's closest friend and hosts the Poker Night parties once a month) is the executive director of a non-profit agency that helps abused and neglected children. Her name is Vickie and the agency is called Child Advocates of Silicon Valley (www.BeMyAdvocate.org). Their bookkeeper suddenly quit two weeks ago and Vickie was desperately searching for a replacement and Liza recommended she call me. I started there a week ago Friday. The only negative is that it involves a commute - it's 22 miles away in Silicon Valley and I have to take the horrible 101 Freeway to get there. But I get to pick my hours, so I've been going in around 10-10:30 and leaving at either 3:30 or 6:30, so I avoid the busy commute times. Even if I did travel during the rush hours, I would be able to drive in the commuter lane because I have a Prius. I'm working part-time, about 3 days a week, and I love it. It's a bit challenging, because I only got to spend 4 hours with the person I'm replacing before she left. It's a little bit of hit or miss. But I like the people, and I've always liked bookkeeping, and I like having a job and going into an office. It's funny, because this is exactly what I was doing 32 years ago when I met Elson. I'd quit my corporate job and had my own freelance bookkeeping company with several small businesses as clients. I hope to eventually add some more clients that are located closer to home. I don't know whether this will be a permanent position. Vickie was very open with me that they might end up outsourcing it. I'm just enjoying it while I have it, and it's serving the great purpose of allowing me to refresh myself in this field plus learn to use the software that everyone seems to be using these days. It was all done manually 32 years ago.
So, my life consists of the job in Milpitas, working on loans, working estate sales, exercising when I can, seeing friends, seeing Trish and spending time with Carla. We became really close when she had her operation. I spent a lot of time with her, helping her, doing things for her, etc. She had just started to recover the use of her hand and to become active again when she started experiencing debilitating pain in her back and legs. I'm not going to go through the whole story, because it's a long one and very upsetting, but the upshot is that her doctors were wrong when they told her it was not related to her cancer (she'd been in remission from multiple myeloma) and that it was sciatica. She wasted two months going from doctor to doctor and trying all kinds of pain medications. She finally had an MRI 10 days ago that isolated a tumor and they rushed her into a 10 day treatment of radiation. They knew they had blown it. We got copies of the CT scan and bone survey she'd had done in December and it mentioned the probable connection to her cancer on both of them. Her last radiation treatment was on Thursday. I accompanied her to the appointment, spoke with her doctor, and then took her out for a celebratory lunch. She leaves on Wednesday for England to attend a wedding and spend two weeks vacation. She certainly deserves it.
I know everyone wants to know what's happening with the divorce. Well, Trish accompanied me to a free workshop in Redwood City on doing your own divorce and I left with the paperwork partially filled in. I'm working on finishing it now. Elson has chosen not to accept early release to a halfway house because he heard how horrible they are, and is now applying for early release in July to home detention. A law was passed in February of this year authorizing early release to homes for prisoners of non-violent crimes once they've served 75% of their sentences (that would be July 15 for Elson). Hopefully they will accept an apartment near Deja as a suitable home for this. I speak to Elson about once a week. He has accepted the divorce, takes full responsibility for what went wrong in our marriage, and we have very civil conversations. I still care about him, always will and want nothing but the best for him. I know it's going to be very difficult for him once he gets out. I know it's not my problem (as everyone keeps telling me) but that doesn't mean I'm not concerned. I'm glad that his kids have been so supportive and will be there for him when he gets out. Deja visits him once a month and has brought Roxy (age 19)twice, Charlton visits as often as he can and has brought the boys (ages 10 and 15) a couple of times, and Kent has visited from Sacramento several times with Kristopher (age 14).
I still love my apartment. I finally unpacked all the CDs and not only did they fit on the racks that I brought, but there's room for more! I play my music often - sometimes on the PC, sometimes on the iPod on the special mp3 speakers I brought with me, sometimes on the CD player, and sometimes I just listen on my headphones to the iPod or my cell phone. Music is still a very important part of my life. The garden is starting to bloom again and the wisteria is starting to grow back on my balcony. Carla has given me several gorgeous bouquets of flowers from the garden to put in my apartment. I've started to cook again, beginning with Larry Negri's recipe for Dijon chicken. It was delicious. I made it for Trish one time when she stayed with me. I'm looking forward to working my way through Larry's recipes.
The MS is about the same as the last time I wrote. My legs get tired after I walk around 20 minutes, so I can't do too many errands at one time. I still haven't gone back to the way I was before the infamous hot tub incident, but I'm not as bad I was the two months after it.
That's about it. Life is good. I don't stress about things anymore, I go with the flow as they say, and let things happen. And they do. In a good way.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
A New Year
This will be my first birthday in my new home and in my new life. I turn 64 next week - a sobering thought. Not exactly the ideal age for starting all over. I feel like I'm finally doing what I should have done when I graduated college. At that time, in 1967, I dashed off to Paris and began what turned out to be 42 years of living a day-to-day existence, never worrying about the future, assuming that my life would continue to be this exciting, wondrous adventure. And here I am, having faced the crossroads and having chosen a new, unknown path. Starting all over. Who would have guessed.
I have no idea what lies ahead of me. Will I continue doing mortgage loans? It's a very difficult time to be in this business. Real estate values have come crashing down, leaving homeowners with not enough equity in their homes to be able to refinance. Interest rates have started to climb back up. Wholesale lenders (which are the kind of lenders I use) are getting out of the wholesale business. Second lien lenders (ie home equity lines of credit) are imposing impossible requirements for resubordinating the lines, hoping the borrowers will just pay them off instead of keeping them. Except that again, back to the original problem, there is not enough equity in the home to do that. I did close one small loan, but all the others are in limbo. So what else can I do to earn income? I should rephrase that, because I can do lots of things, but what will I be able to do? What kind of employment can I find in the present environment where I can work out of the home, utilize my various skills, be employable at my age, earn enough to cover my monthly expenses and provide a little for the uncertain future and uncertain health requirements, not be bored, feel fulfilled? I try to do visualizations and I draw a blank. My sister keeps assuring me that everything will fall into place, just as it has with finding the carriage house and Carla, and getting out of my former house and divesting myself of all that was in it. A year ago at this time I was in the pit of that "black hole", not seeing any way out of it, not seeing any possible future for myself. I couldn't imagine myself finding an apartment that I would like, furnishing it, making new friends. And yet I did. So hopefully not being able to imagine my new career does not mean that I will not find one.
I'm very reflective today. I guess that's what impending birthdays do. I'm not planning any celebrations. I don't want one and it doesn't feel right. Not yet. I'm still in a kind of limbo with many goals still unaccomplished - filing for divorce, finding employment, figuring out my place in the Lui family which had been my family for 30 years. Next year at this time all of that should be behind me and I will be turning 65 - an appropriate time for a celebration. I think I'll just skip this birthday.
I have no idea what lies ahead of me. Will I continue doing mortgage loans? It's a very difficult time to be in this business. Real estate values have come crashing down, leaving homeowners with not enough equity in their homes to be able to refinance. Interest rates have started to climb back up. Wholesale lenders (which are the kind of lenders I use) are getting out of the wholesale business. Second lien lenders (ie home equity lines of credit) are imposing impossible requirements for resubordinating the lines, hoping the borrowers will just pay them off instead of keeping them. Except that again, back to the original problem, there is not enough equity in the home to do that. I did close one small loan, but all the others are in limbo. So what else can I do to earn income? I should rephrase that, because I can do lots of things, but what will I be able to do? What kind of employment can I find in the present environment where I can work out of the home, utilize my various skills, be employable at my age, earn enough to cover my monthly expenses and provide a little for the uncertain future and uncertain health requirements, not be bored, feel fulfilled? I try to do visualizations and I draw a blank. My sister keeps assuring me that everything will fall into place, just as it has with finding the carriage house and Carla, and getting out of my former house and divesting myself of all that was in it. A year ago at this time I was in the pit of that "black hole", not seeing any way out of it, not seeing any possible future for myself. I couldn't imagine myself finding an apartment that I would like, furnishing it, making new friends. And yet I did. So hopefully not being able to imagine my new career does not mean that I will not find one.
I'm very reflective today. I guess that's what impending birthdays do. I'm not planning any celebrations. I don't want one and it doesn't feel right. Not yet. I'm still in a kind of limbo with many goals still unaccomplished - filing for divorce, finding employment, figuring out my place in the Lui family which had been my family for 30 years. Next year at this time all of that should be behind me and I will be turning 65 - an appropriate time for a celebration. I think I'll just skip this birthday.
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