The Terminators

The Terminators, or rather the liquidators, arrived yesterday, en masse. There was an army of them and they swooped in and sucked the trash out. I never saw people move so fast. It was a little overwhelming and at times frightening, as I saw parts of my life being carried out the door, to destinations unknown. They divided everything into three categories - high value and therefore to be displayed inside the house, garage sale value and therefore to be gathered and eventually taken to the flea market, and no value and therefore off to the dumps. Unfortunately I had my doctor's appointment in the middle of the day, and I came home to find, much to my dismay, that some very important personal items were in the truck on their way to the dump. Luckily the truck never made it to the dump because of traffic, and I've been told the drivers found these items this morning when they searched the bags in the truck and they will be delivered to me tomorow. The Liquidator boss was explaining to me that my situation was a little unusual for them, in that usually the people aren't there when they're clearing out the house. I asked is that because they've already moved, and he kind of hemmed and hawed and didn't really answer, and then I suddenly realized it was because they were usually dead! So I apologized to him for the fact that I was still alive.

Things are progressing very quickly and I'm beginning to believe that we will actually be ready on time. I like the women who are working on pricing and arranging very much. I definitely feel I made a good decision in picking this company.

The doctor has ordered a myriad of tests because I've been losing so much weight. I feel I'll gain some of it back once I'm in my own place, but just in case, I've been told to start supplementing my meals with Ensure.

The house is starting to look nice now, and I'm beginning to remember why we fell in love with it in the first place. It'll be a bittersweet parting.

I'm Moving Into The Carriage House!

I called Carla today and notified her officially that I'm going to be her new tenant. I'm so happy. It just feels right. Carla already feels like an old friend. She's a francophile like I am - her coffee table books are French Dreams and French Tea - and we keep talking about French movies and French singers and French food. I told her how I'd found an old steno pad that I'd used to take notes during a French cooking class I'd taken when I lived in Paris, and all the notes are in French. Even though there are only two closets in the entire apartment (the house is almost 100 years old), there's lots of wall space so I'm going to be able to bring more furniture than I'd originally planned, which will help with the storage. I can't wait until my first morning when I wake up and take my morning coffee out on the balcony overlooking that gorgeous garden. I bet I sleep better that first night than I've slept in months. It's such a relief to know I have a place to go to and to be able to plan what I keep and don't keep. My sister kept telling me to stop worrying and to trust that everything would work out. She was so right.

There are so many things about the carriage house that make it perfect for me for right now, but one thing that everyone has pointed out is that there will be somebody nearby just in case something happens to me, ie I fall or something. Everyone's been so worried about me, going up and down these stairs and moving boxes and getting physically tired with no one around.

So I go to sleep tonight with sweet dreams in my head. The clock is still ticking, but there's a yellow brick road leading to a happy destination.

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Christian the Lion - the full story (in HQ)

This is so uplifting and a wonderful message I want to send to all my terrific friends out there.

Stuff and a great video

I'm buried in stuff. I can't believe how much STUFF I've accumulated. It's suffocating. I can't wait to get to my new, small apartment, wherever it might be, and start all over again and stop accumulating. I will never do this again, I promise.

A good friend sent me the most wonderful, uplifting video today. I'm posting it on this website so everyone can see it. Please do look at it, and know that I am thinking of you, of all my wonderful friends and family who have been so supportive of me.

I'm going to look at the carriage house again tomorrow, along with Wayne and Arlene. I've taken measurements of all the furniture I'd like to keep and Wayne is bringing a tape measure and is going to sketch the floorplan. I'll let you know how it goes. I'm also bringing my camera. I've also been looking at other listings and am going to look at a cottage in Woodside on Sunday. This is my life now - looking for apartments, sorting through STUFF, trying to plan my future and figure out how I'm going to survive financially, trying to stay healthy (everyone complains I'm too thin, but I think it's the stress and I'll gain weight once I get settled), writing my journal daily, taking photos to document the process of getting the house ready for the sale, etc.

The estate sale will be August 8, 9 and 10, so please tell anybody in the area to come by. I won't be here myself, so you don't have to worry about the prices!

The Clock Is Ticking

The estate sale liquidators come a week from today. Then they'll be here 3 weeks setting things up for the estate sale, which will take place August 8, 9 and 10. I'm starting to get a little nervous. When I come back Sunday night, August 10th, a large part of my life from the past 30 years will be gone. I think it's going to be hard living here for the final 3 weeks. I'll be concentrating on looking for an apartment, packing my things and getting them ready for storage, taking care of change of address notifications, looking for a laptop, etc. My life will be very different. The plan right now is, if I haven't found an apartment by end of August, to move in with Deja for a month or two until I find something. Roxy will have gone back to college, so I can have her room. It will be strange not having my own place, but it might be liberating as well. I will take advantage of that time to recover and heal, but also to travel and visit friends and family.

I've had an idea for future employment. Someone suggested to me that I try commercial mortgages. This could be a good fit. I already have the tools, but it's different enough that it would feel like something new, I could work from my home, and I could earn good income, more than from residential mortgages. If anyone knows anyone who is looking for an intern or for someone like me, please let me know. The best part is that I would be able to do my writing on the side.

Most of my time is spent getting the house ready for the estate sale. Wayne is here almost every day now, as we get close to our deadline. Tick, tock, tick, tock.....

No Carriage House

I just wanted to let everyone know that I've released the dream of moving into that carriage house. The owner, Carla, was not very receptive to the idea of installing a stairlift, which I totally understand, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I cannot rent a place with stairs. One of the major appeals of the carriage house was that I could rent it right away and start moving in gradually a little at a time. Well, how can I do that when I can't carry anything up the stairs?

I was a little down today, but I've recovered and am moving on. As Trish says, I've broken the barrier of at least having seen one apartment I could see myself being happy in. Up until now they were all depressing. So I'm back to looking.

I was gathering up all the videotapes I've recorded over the years to take to be recycled and I found a videotape of my aunt and uncle's 50th wedding anniversary bash over 10 years ago. I'd written them a poem and read it out loud at the front of the room - I wish I could post a photo of me from it on this blog. I looked EXACTLY like Natalie Wood! I know I'd always been told that, but it's been awhile since I looked like her so I'd forgotten. I had the big hair and heavy dark eyeliner around my eyes and even the way I spoke...it was just like her. There was a documentary on her the other night that I'd watched so she was fresh in my mind. Wow.

Happy July 4th - Freedom Day!

This has been one of the best July 4ths I've ever had. The day started out with LOTS of phone calls - Wayne and Arlene, Brenda, Carla (I'll explain her later). I barely had time to get ready for Trish's arrival. She drove down with her friend Ronnie who wanted to buy one of my microwaves and maybe some other things, and they wanted to take me out for lunch. They got here around 1:30. The first sign that today was going to be a good day was when I went into a part of my closet I hadn't gone through yet and tried on some shorts. Most of them were huge, but one pair not only fit perfectly, but I loved them! They're beige cargo shorts that flare out a little like in the 1940's. It was like finding my treasures in the garage (ie the French espresso maker, the water pipe, etc.) We went straight to the restaurant since I was really hungry. What a magical place it was. I'd been there once after it first opened, but it was in winter and we'd eaten inside. It's called Angelica's Bistro and it's in the back of an antique store. I wanted to go somewhere where you could eat outside and I knew they had this wonderful garden in the back with all these Italian fountains imported from Italy. We went straight to the garden, walking down this narrow path framed by trees and lined with ornate, wonderful fountains. They gave us the best table - right next to the owner Peter, a Londoner who is outgoing and warm and who immediately welcomed us and started telling us all about the restaurant and the evening musical concerts they put on. He couldn't believe we were all Senior Citizens (well, I will be in a couple of years) and said we made him look forward to getting there. We were there several hours. Each of us loved our entrees and we shared a scrumptious dessert crepe. Then I took them for a walking tour of downtown Redwood City, which they loved. We didn't get back home until 5 PM and it was 7 PM by the time they left. It was a wonderful, delightful, exhiliarating day and I loved being with my sister and one of her close friends.

Now I'll get to who Clara is. I found the perfect apartment. I fell in love with it as soon as I saw it. First yesterday morning I saw the cottage and it was horrid. I won't even give any details. I was extremely disappointed, and then after that I had some upsetting news, and I was in tears when Trish called me on my cell phone, wanting to find out how the cottage was. She talked to me for awhile, and offered to come that evening if I needed her. What I did next is an important sign of how far I've come in the last 6 months. Instead of just canceling my plans for the rest of the day (to look at more apartments, run errands, go to the bank, etc.) and going home to be depressed and cry, I pulled myself together and carried through with the items on my list. I saw a few places in San Carlos, which were all horrible, then walked into this really pretty, peaceful looking building to inquire about apartments. I thought it was strange there were so many really really old people milling about in wheelchairs and walkers and it turned out it was an Assistd Living place! Well, I'm not there yet. Then I called Carla to see if I could come by and see her place. She'd placed an ad on Craig's List and I'd called her that morning. I liked her right away and was excited about her place, but there were stairs involved - it's the second story of a 2-story house above where she lives. She'd encouraged me to come see it anyway, and I felt I needed a lift.

Well. It's paradise. It's a carriage house built in 1910 set in the most beautiful English garden. The master bedroom even has a balcony overlooking the garden. It's in a lovely part of Redwood City and I've been wanting to stay in Redwood City. Carla and I hit it off right away and I fell in love with the whole package - the setting, the apartment, living above her. I knew she liked me, too. But there was the issue of the stairs. I came home and called Deja, Trish, Wayne and Kate. They all agreed the stairs presented a major problem and counseled me not to go back and to continue looking. However, they all pointed out that this was a good sign, at least I'd found something I liked. So I released it and left a message for Carla reluctantly telling her I couldn't handle the stairs.

Then this morning two things happened. Carla called and said she really wanted me to have it and asking if there was any way I could manage it. I said no, and we agreed to keep in touch and she invited me to come by sometime for a drink or tea. Then Wayne called and said, since my heart was so taken by this apartment, that I needed to find a solution and he suggested getting an electric stairlift installed. Hmm. He'd even found a website and a company. I later looked on Craigs List and there are several companies around. Hmm. I started thinking more and more about it. It seems to me that what is most important for me right now is to be someplace peaceful, healing, where I can be happy and recuperate from all the trauma of the last several years. I can always move someplace else after a year or two. She doesn't even want me to sign a 1-year lease - it's month-to-month. I took Trish and Ronnie by there after our tour of Redwood City and they were enchanted by the garden. Trish said she had told me no yesterday to see how attached to it I was. We all talked about how my MS improves when I'm happy or away from the house and there's the possibility that I might not even need the stairlift. Arlene even said that going up and down stairs is good exercise, especially for the bones. So I left a message for Carla asking her to call me because I might have a way to make it work. I'm going to ask if she is open to the idea of my installing one later on if I need it, but I would try it without at first. It wouldn't be like living here, where I'm constantly going up and down the stairs. Once I'm in the apartment, everything is level.

I'm not going to give any more details about it in case I end up not getting it. And if I don't get it, that's ok, too, because now I know there are apartments out there like this. But it would really make the next month a lot easier if I knew I already had a place to go to. It would even facilitate my choosing what to keep and what to sell.

I'll end this VERY LONG post (sorry) with a very nice thing that Trish said at lunch. Ronnie is taking a class on "Awakening The Joy" and she thought I might be interested in taking it, too. Trish said I didn't need it, because even though I've had many low periods in the last few years, I've never lost my capacity to feel joy, and that is so true. I'll bounce back and forth multiple times in one day. I'm only a song or a joke or a good meal or good book or being with a good friend away from feeling deep joy - no matter what's going on in my life. Trish had asked me once, a long time ago, if I'd thought about what I wanted written on my tombstone. My answer was "She never lost her sense of humor." I've never lost my joy, my joie de vivre. I am so thankful for that.

So Happy 4th - Happy Day of Freedom.

Ups and Downs and Search for Apartment

It's been quite a ride since Kate left. I know people have been posting comments about how brave and strong and inspiring I am, but I don't feel that way. The truth is, I often get overwhelmed and depressed and unable to see a bright, cheery future. However, I know it's out there. I think the closer I get to the date of the sale and moving out, the more frightened I get. The unknown can be a scary thing.

Fortunately, the bad days don't last very long. In the beginning they would last for upwards to a week. Last week I had a meltdown on Tuesday which lasted all the way through Thursday, with a little window of happiness on Wednesday. A new friend, Laura Taylor, invited me to San Francisco for dinner and then to join her and some friends to see one of my favorite jazz singers, Karrin Allyson, at the new Yoshi's. It was a wonderful evening. It's the first time I've driven to the city just for the evening. After Elson first left, I was very uncomfortable driving and afraid to drive at night. This was the result of all the years of criticism - of my driving and everything else I did. I didn't have any confidence that I could do anything right. When Brenda stayed with me in January, I had her do all the driving, and when I'm with Wayne in my car he does the driving. I'm gradually getting my confidence back. Brenda noticed it right away during her most recent visit where I did all the driving, and did it well, with confidence. I was fine driving to the city on Wednesday, and I was even fine driving back at night after having a glass of wine with dinner and a cocktail at Yoshi's. I loved being in Laura's apartment (there's something special about an apartment in SF, as there is with apartments in NY) and she had prepared a wonderful dinner. The jazz concert was great and I loved being with her friends. It felt like I had come home. Part of me wishes I could live in SF, but not only can I not afford it, also it would be too hard for me. There was a whole flight of stairs leading up to Laura's building, then another flight up to her apartment. Most of them would be like that.

On Friday I was back to my usual self and got back to work. Unfortunately, I hurt my back on Tuesday and it still hurts, so I have to take things slowly. I haven't done my sunset walk since then because of my back, but I'm going to try to do it today. Trish came on Friday and helped me, and my good friends Sten and Carole Mawson were here yesterday helping me pack boxes and dump the bottles of wine and champagne that Kate had christened as "no good". So there has been progress. Wayne helped me find a great storage space for Elson's things at a terrific price and I signed a year's contract on the 24th. It comes with a free truck, and so tomorrow Wayne is using it to take the boxes we've packed so far for Elson to the storage space. That will clear room in the garage for my boxes.

Wayne and Arlene's hairdresser lives in a cottage in San Carlos which she will be vacating in a few weeks. The rent is incredibly low and I'm thinking of renting it temporarily until I find the perfect apartment. It's on a creek surrounded by trees and it sounds very restful and peaceful, which everybody agrees would be the ideal situation for me. The rent is low enough that I would be able to afford getting a storage space for most of my stuff and also go visit people, like Art in Malibu and the kids in Seattle, and maybe even my friends in NY. I'd love that. It would also give me time to look for a job. I can't really decide on how much rent I can afford until I get a job. I haven't seen the cottage yet though. I've heard it's very basic and rustic, which would be a big change for me. But I think I can do it.

I'm going to put together a list of what I'm looking for in a job and also what I'm looking for in an apartment, and I'll both post the lists on this blog and also email them to everyone. I have a feeling I'll find both through networking. I'm also going to look for other cottages and apartments in San Carlos when I go to see this one.

I have 3 weeks until the estate sale people come to starting setting up for the sale. The sale is going to take place on August 8, 9 and 10. I know I'm going to only get a fraction of what everything is worth, but it's better than nothing.

That's about it for now. I just wanted to be honest that not every day is what could be called "inspiring", but I'm basically doing ok and moving forward. I just keep picturing Mary Tyler Moore, tossing her hat up in the air to the sound of "she'll make it on her own." Of course, I'm not on my own yet. I don't know where I'd be without the tremendous help I've been getting, from Wayne and Arlene, Trish, Brenda, Kate and now my other friends who have begun pitching in - Francine, the Mawsons, etc. I can't wait until I'm settled in my new apartment and can start entertaining again and can have them all over. My apartment will not be decorated with lalique or lladro or jade and ivory carvings. I will have my water pipe from Israel (photo included), momentos from Paris, my antique oil lamp I purchased at a flea market in Paris, signed artwork by Betty Guy, a framed embroidered strip tease on handkerchiefs that someone had made for my mother, lots of family photos, etc. I want it to be uncluttered but warm and inviting. I'm very excited about it.

4 Days With Kate

Kate left tonight after a whirlwind visit. It's amazing how much we got accomplished. I've posted a slide show that kind of recaps the visit. She arrived 2 hours late Thursday night, thanks to American Airlines, not landing until 11 PM that night. Friday morning I gave her a tour of Redwood City (she hadn't seen it since she moved away 17 years ago) and she was duly impressed. We visited Cost Plus since she works at the one in Fort Worth and she was interested to see how it compared (ours is much prettier). While there she bought some wine and my first housewarming gift - a martini shaker so I can make apple martinis! We came back to find Wayne already here hard at work. We spent the day working on the house. We emptied all the old jars of sauces, etc. in the fridge, put items in large bottles into small ones, threw out all the old stuff, and ended up with a beautiful, organized fridge where I can see everything I have. There's a photo of Kate at the sink emptying the jars. She also went through all the cases of wines we had in the garage and separated the maybes from the definitely nots. She opened several of them, finding a Veuve Cliquot I'd purchased in the last 2 years which was quite fine and which helped her get through the arduous day. There's a photo of the empty bottles of all the wines we ended up pouring down the drain. We took a break for lunch with Wayne. It got really hot in the afternoon, which caused me to have a meltdown and have to take a nap. The day ended with my sunset walk and dinner and then we crashed fairly early.


Saturday was another story. It started off well. Kris Gardner, an old friend from the San Francisco heydays, dropped by for coffee and catching up. I hadn't seen her for about 20 years but she looks the same-gorgeous. She left with a plant, a sweater and a small vase. Kate and I have decided everyone has to leave with something! Kate and I then spent the day looking at apartments. Before leaving the house, we looked at Craigs List and spent a lot of time narrowing down the choices so we could focus on the ones that were the most promising. Well, I have one thing to say - they lie on Craigs List. We looked at 5 buildings, getting inside 2 apartments, and it was the most depressing day I'd had in a long time. Very very depressing. Tiny, no closet space, dark, tiny kitchens with no microwave or cupboard space, tiny bathrooms, dark, dark, dark, with coin-operated laundry machines in the basement. After the 5th one I'd had enough and we repaired to Trader Joe's where we got some wine, cheese, bread, antipasto and frozen espresso cups for dessert and headed home to drown our sorrows. There's a photo that reflects how I felt. It was a dark ending to the day.

Sunday I woke up and said to Kate that I will not accept living anywhere where I have to use coin-operated laundry machines in the basement - I'd already done that in college, Paris, and San Francisco and those days were behind me! - and that I didn't want to look at any more apartments this weekend. Kate had also been thinking that night and suggested we put some items on Craigs List. We ended up listing 8 items and I've already sold 4! I sold an ice cream maker, a Kitchenaid Mixmaster, a compact refrigerator and a breadmaker. I've got a list of more things I'm going to add. She also wants me to contact some consignment shops regarding some of my high end clothing, shoes and hats. We spent all of Sunday unpacking boxes, going through the kitchen cabinets and pulling out things for me to keep, deciding which furniture I should keep and opening several more boxes in the garage. That evening we trotted over to Michelle's across the street for more cocktails and hors-d'oevres. Kate had never met Michelle and they hit it off immediately. I made sure I didn't get drunk this time, adding tonic to my vodka tonic as I drank it. We had a great time though and it was a nice ending to the day.

Monday Francine drove down from San Francisco and brought a gourmet lunch with her. We had prosciutto, brie, smoked gouda, fabulous baguette, foccaccia, homemade olives (the olives came from a friend's olive orchard and Michael had marinated them), a salad that Francine made on the spot, accompanied by Louis Roederer Estate champagne that Kate had found in my garage and which was excellent. We laughed and caught up. The three of us hadn't been together since the last time Kate was here, which was several years ago. We've all known each other since 1976 and share a lot of great memories. Then we got to work. Or at least they did. I've never seen anyone pack so fast. I tried to make lists of what went into the boxes, but I finally gave up. I think they packed 7 boxes - stemware, dishes, cookware, photo albums, sweaters and jackets, cutting boards, mugs, knives, escargo plates and tongs, etc. - all destined for my new apartment, wherever that might be. I made espresso later in one of my newly found Parisian espresso makers and Francine was favorably impressed (she's Italian and drinks espresso regularly, so I was pleased). Wayne came by around 3 like he does every Monday, to prepare the garbage for pickup Tuesday morning, and he spent a couple of hours organizing things. Francine left at 4:30 along with Kate whom she dropped off at the airport on her way back to the city. I was sad to see them both go.

So here I am, on my own again, but much further ahead in this process than I was before the two powerhouses - Brenda and Kate - came to help. I now can see the light at the end of the tunnel regarding getting out of this house. The more junk I uncover, hidden in the darkest recesses of the house, the more toxic this house becomes for me and the more anxious I am to get out. I don't know where I will end up, but at least it will not be here. I might find it on Craigs List, or it might be via word of mouth, but I will find it. If it's not in time for when I'm ready to move, then I'll just put everything in storage and find a temporary situation and also take advantage of my lack of roots to go visit friends and family

Upward and onward, as they say.